Just another day of fighting with my fiancee. God, I CAN’T wait to find employment and move out of here. I have to. It’s so miserable knowing that I’m a 25 year old who will never be married as long as I’m with him. He’s verbally and physically abusive, and never sorry about it. He controls everything and takes so much from me. When his plans fall through, it’s my fault, or anyone else’s but his. He literally believes that he is God, and should actually be locked up in a psych ward. The amount of times that I should have called the cops on him for stealing from me or abusing me is substantial. My feelings of extreme lack of self worth have kept me from letting him go for 7 years. I’ve lost so much time that I could have spent being happy with a guy that would have treated me so much better.
I’m not sure what it is, but I recently reenrolled in college. I want to get a second associates degree in a different subject. I’m also registering for the SAT’s (even at my age), and planning on applying to Rice University or University of Houston. Probably both. I’ve also applied for a position at the nearest police department. I’ve never studied law enforcement and doubt highly that I will get in, but they actually called me in to take a test a few days ago, and once they let me know what my results are, I may proceed from there to take even more tests if I have passed the previous one.
I believe that my breaking point was our 7th year anniversary of being engaged. So many years wasted. We fought on that day. Just like on Valentine’s Day, and my birthday, on Christmas, and every anniversary or special day, or regular day before that. Every day. He hates me and I deeply loathe him. He’s not even cute, he smells bad, he’s obese, and I hate to sound like a b*tch, but honestly he’s completely not worth all of this. No, I don’t have anywhere to go until I get money, and I don’t want to share anymore homes with anyone else. I just want to be on my own. Anyway, I think my breaking point was our recent anniversary day. He took my cell phone and my laptop, and kicked me out without any of my belongings. That is the 10th time that he has kicked me out. I think I’m finally starting to see what life could be like without him. I want to jump out of a plane without a parachute every time I think about how I spent so many years of my life with this guy and it has come to this. Meanwhile I get to watch all of these other girls my age get married and have kids. Half of them are cheating on their new spouses. They don’t deserve to be married, but I’m the one that isn’t getting to wear a beautiful wedding dress and be happy for the rest of my life with a guy that loves me.
Sorry for this long rant. I just needed to vent. I’m sitting here next to the guy that I hate so much, and wonder if I’ll ever get away from him, or if I’ll commit suicide first.
3 comments
@notwhoiwanttobe: Wow I wish i felt like you did. I was best friends with an amazing guy and things went wrong he was jealous controlling. Tried killing me put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger (gun was unloaded luckily). I still stayed I still love him I saw that this was him in pain because of life. He probably wasn’t the greatest guy and I’m sure someone could treat me better but I love him. We were friends 6 yrs and dated for 4 we were engaged and after it all fell apart. I pushed myself to better my life because I was tired of him putting me down for still being in community college and not being done. He always said I was stupid and couldn’t make it at a 4 yr university that I was fat and no one wanted me. I hate myself still I beat myself up for my mistakes I cry still. But last semester I transferred to University of houston and got accepted that wasn’t good enough I was still stupid. Well the semester is over and I have a 3.0 semester gpa and I made it without him. But it means nothing to me sadly. I never really seen anyone post on here from houston.
Alina, I understand completely. I received my first associates degree from a community college. Did you go to Lonestar Community College System as well? It’s mostly either that or HCC here, as I’m sure you’re aware. Same things happened to me – he continues to call me stupid, fat, slutty, bitchy, and every negative thing you could ever say about anyone ever. I’m sure you have been through the exact same thing, sadly. I will be transferring to a university soon, but I’m 25. I feel too old to receive a bachelors degree, and too stupid. Anyway, it’s good that you got out of that relationship. I haven’t accomplished that much yet.
@notwhoiwanttobe: Yes LSC. I’m not that far off I’m 23 going on 24 and still have three more years left imagine that. And I guess I’m not really out we still talk we are still sleeping together i still havent managed to let go. We are all prisoners in our own hells and only we can release ourselves. I figured if I wanted to succeed in school i had to want it as badly as I wanted death. It’s hard but if I can do it so can you.