I’ve spent most of my life being suicidal. Every single day I wake up and wonder if it’s going to be my last. I exist in a dissociated haze or fog 99% of the time. I really hate my life. I don’t so much hate my job — I think I just hate doing anything that takes any effort… like I am just so thoroughly tired that I don’t give a shit enough to lift a finger for myself anymore. I just want to not work and wait for the credit card to run out and then kill myself.
Over the past seven years I’ve drifted further away from my family and attempts at establishing communication patterns with them have been unsuccessful. I live with my best friend. I broke up with my partner of five years six months ago and suddenly my phone has gone silent. There is no one to text. No one is calling me. There is only one person in the entire world who’ll notice if I disappear and that is my roommate. Everyone else would find out a few months down the road that something happened to me.
I can’t stand anything anymore. I wake up everyday and the only thing that comforts me is the fact that I don’t need to live to see tomorrow. I’m afraid that in this “meh” attitude to life that I’ve developed, I’ll eventually just kill myself because there’s really nothing better to do.
5 comments
“I exist in a dissociated haze or fog 99% of the time.” Do you have any history of mental conditions?
Depression, anxiety, probably PTSD, probably lots of other things…
Yeah
you sound catatonic
I’m not sure why that would be true… I think if I was catatonic I would not have been able to write that entire post. It did take a lot of effort to put together though and I think my lack of motivation is related to my severe depression and trauma responses right now.