First of all… I’m not going to censor this. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND. I NEED SOMEONE. Listen. Please, just hear me out! I can’t take being ignored anymore! So please, please just see what I have to say! Your the lucky one…all of you who are not me…all of you who you don’t have to ask for your own mother’s affection. Those of you whose own sister isn’t always planning to bring you down. Those of you who’s father actually spends time and gives a fuck about you. Why can’t I be you..? You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not over social media websites. You don’t have to deal with teachers after you express your feelings through adult contented drawings. I express my feelings, draw what’s in my head to get it out of my system, and my reputation is ruined. I’m crazy, I know, stupid, weird, a fucking liar, fat ass, ugly, and I shouldn’t be here. Why…why did I put the knife down from my throat? God doesn’t want me in heaven. I ruined my chance ever since I was fucking 7. I’m 13 years old. I’m black. And I disgust the human race. I had a dream…when I was 7 of two people, naked…and now…I have a feeling that I have to look at photos of it…this is what I CAN’T suppress…I’m stuck with it. My mom says get over it but…It’s EASIER SAID THAN FUCKING DONE!!  HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL?!?!?! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!….that’s what I want to say to her..so sure…I may like self torture and I don’t know why, and this goes against everything..but..I like being bullied…it gives me a rush…but I hate it too…please someone…kill me..you don’t care. You say you do but you don’t want me  here..you liar. You fucking liar. You hate me..are you even reading this?! I need someone..someone who will say with passion..I LOVE YOU. I want a boy who loves me…but..I’m bi curious..just..love me…Why does God hate me? Why can’t He take the pain filled memories away..? Why can’t I live in the world I want to…why…heaven, why?
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21 comments
Wait, why is having a libido bad lol who doesn’t fantasize about scantily clad individuals (aside from asexuals)
Thank you! Apparently, I’m a terrible person for thinking that way to my mother…
personally, i dont see anything wrong with a 13 year old watching porn that isn’t violent etc. I suppose the stigma comes from theism which values purity and deifies virginity. You got Google Images, do your thing, man, no shame in that
That’s what I try to tell her. Thank you for understanding. But now I’m grounded for looking at them. :I
wow, that sucks. My household was never particularly strict and things were almost never censored, I can’t imagine being punished for looking at somebody’s family jewels. Dang, that must be awfully hard having to suppress something as innate and strong as your sex drive.
Are you ashamed of being black?
Yes…I feel like I should be proud but..I’m not..I feel like I can;t do most things..and most of my class wont look twice at me… My household is a very, very rough place to live. They make me feel ashamed to live on this earth. My dad doesn’t even like to do anything with me. Only my step siblings..
(lots of hugs)
I’ll give a longer reply in a sec
Ok (hugs) <:)
You shouldn’t be ashamed of being black, it deeply upsets me that there is a subtle social hierarchy still perpetuates by others in the 21st century. A lot of the black girls at my school were actually really nice, very distinct, funny and confident, I liked them a lot as human beings, they aren’t defined by their ethnicities and neither are you. I would imagine being a minority in any situation would result in alienation, it’s not solely because you’re black, just a minority.
Tough parents are rough, the best you can do is learn from their flaws and try to understand them. Why is your mother angry so often and with you? Maybe she has issues she needs to have worked out, perhaps influenced by her past or other variables in her circumstances. She’s human, if she’s being unreasonably rough or angry she probably has a subjective reason for it that most people would consider invalid. I wouldn’t condone the abuse of anyone on any significance, there is no justification for inflicting pain on an innocent victim. You should sit down and have a talk with her maybe, have you done that?
Yes, I have…she says it’s stupid that I’m suicidal. She once caught me trying to kill myself and she scolded me. Every time we have this conversation she says it’s “bull crap” and that I’m trying to threaten her. But I’m not…she makes the world very hard for me. So does my sister…she constantly picks on me and calls me names..I’m very very sensitive and it brings me down a terrible amount…my mother sees this, yet she talks to her and ignores the issue just days after. My “friends” even judge me behind my back but when I talk to them, they act really nice towards me. They trick me into thinking we are friends…and it hurts…
Why do you feel like you need to look at pictures of something you had a dream about when you were 7? I’d say having hormones is a normal part of being a human being, to be honest. That bit just struck me as a little odd – how did dreaming something at age 7 make you, at age 13, feel like you need to look at images like what you dreamed about?
my curiosity as a child I suppose…but I can’t stop it now..It’s like an addiction…i don’t know what to think.
It sounds like an OCD obsession/compulsion. When people in their early teens get those, they usually grow out of it and stop having issues at some point before they turn 18 – it’s definitely not weird or abnormal. But worrying about it and feeling like it’s bad that you’re having those thoughts is what drives the thoughts to keep popping into your head. I’ll give you a good example – try not to think about a purple elephant. Once you have the thought, it just pops into your mind by itself – but when you’re worrying over some random thought, it’ll pop into your mind a lot more often than that purple elephant might. Just remember; it’s not your fault, and it’s not a bad thing – or even weird! it’s probably the most normal thing on earth – because you can’t force yourself to stop thinking about something. Brains don’t work that way.
If god hated you, you might have been a child who had cancer, you might not be able to remember the last time you had a warm meal or a meal at all, there might not be a roof over your head or a computer with internet access for you to even have posted this rant. I’m not trying to say your problems don’t matter, but sometimes when I read posts in this site this is how I end up feeling, and for once I’m not just going to close the website and walk away. Just like you said, “I’m not going to censor this”. You went on an awfully passionate rant with all sorts of capital letters and exclamation points, but it sounds like you’re a young teenager just dealing with some sexuality issues and clashing with your mom. Pretty much everyone in the world deals with this stuff. No need to be feeling forsaken by whatever god you might believe in. Chill out. I’m sorry you’re hurting and I’m not saying any of this to hurt you or belittle your problems. But I’m sure you are strong enough to live to fight another day. Survive until you’re 18 and move out of your house if it hasn’t gotten better yet. There are people with much bigger reasons for feeling forgotten by god than what you have written here. Try to keep a little perspective in your life. This isn’t being said to make you feel worse, but to try to make you feel better.
Thank you….I lost sight of other world problems and it helps to realize that I did…again, thank you…
same story here. growing up I clashed with my mom in every way. she had major issues then and still does now. I would say most parents would respond that way to finding out their child is looking at porn. most are just overwhelmed and at a loss for how to handle that tricky situation. don’t feel ashamed of yourself though it’s completely normal. if you weren’t curious and picturing people naked by now that would be abnormal.
I know it’s normal…mom just thinks I shouldn’t do it..she threatened me today by saying “If I EVER catch you on sites like these again, I will give you an ass whooping you’ll never forget.” then she went through my phone and found a couple more picture and scolded me for them and grounded me for who knows how long…
She shouldn’t be scolding you or punishing you for it – but it sounds like a sort of problem that a lot of parents have, and most parents never can figure out how to handle it. Just remember – it’s not your fault, but your mom cares about you or she wouldn’t care at all about what you were doing. Parents just have a really weird way of showing they care.
Yeah… at least I knows she still loves me..I guess…
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that looking at naked pictures of people is very very normal, especially for a 13 year old when you’re just discovering your sexuality. I’m sorry your parents react this way. Are they religious? I also wanted to know that you’re not anywhere near stupid for being suicidal, most people don’t understand the mental anguish it takes for a person to be in that state, but there are obviously others who feel that way so just remember you are not alone.
Hey well i feel sorry for you and the way u feel .i am 13 too and a girl but im white .there is nothing wrong with you looking at naked pictures or ever videos it is normal but i hate it about myself too everyone looks bad at me bc of tht ur just a bit infront of liking or seeing those things theres nothing wrong with . And about da wanting to die or anything i have that too and i am here to talk to you and help you if u want to im not making you too.i feel bad for you too becz of your classe mates i think its pretty terrible that they look at you just becz ur black and about da bullieng i get that too i hate it but it gives me a rush too .but then da thing of ur parents that is just bad that they ground you for that and all . This maybe won’t help or maybe it will but im here for you and i do care even that i dnt know u everyone deserves to live happy and has a good life and if it is possible i would love to help you out . I am here for you