maybe I just don’t understand myself or perhaps my perception has been distorted to the point where I can’t recognize the familiarities in me, but I just don’t know. I don’t know where my life has gone and the prospect of where it’s going scares me. I don’t know what to say, my thoughts are jumbled and hard to articulate, those emotions are ineffable and I can’t stand their presence.
I’m longing for a life I never had or perhaps a life that I feel I no longer have the ability to conceive, a life I can’t even fathom or translate into words. the world around me feels surreal and I’m not sure if that bothers me or not. I don’t like the idea of reality and I would rather not participate in any aspect of it. nothing I do satisfies me in ways I need to be satisfied, nothing fulfills the hollow pockets of my heart that ache with emptiness. I’m very sure it’s loneliness, and it carves me to the bone. I’m suspended in a fixated position of surrealism, nothing feels tangible to me and nothing imbues me with any kind of feeling. I want to run away, but not necessarily physically, I want to remove myself from reality and escape to a place where I am no longer sentient or constantly conscious. I feel as though I’ve had a good life and the conclusion is imminent.
I want to elope with the fantasies I’ve fabricated of people, I want to be in the company of people who no longer and never existed. I don’t know what I want but I know it can’t be obtained in real life. I’m not fully aware of my existence, I’m just waiting in a phase of pre metamorphoses and I don’t even know if transformation is possible. I want to transform into a different person but I can’t escape myself and it kills me. I can just imagine a world seen through the eyes of someone opposite of me, how different the world would be and how it would be seen through lenses that aren’t fractured in a way that turn life into a fantasy. my dreams and emotions are all I have and all of them break my heart with their futility.
happiness does not seem obtainable as I don’t even know what could incite happiness in me. I just wish I wasn’t such a broken person, alienated from others by my own doing but obligated to because of my intrinsic characteristics. life doesn’t seem bland or mundane, it just feels tasteless. like eating a beautiful looking meal that has no flavor at all. I can appreciate how it looks and the artistry that exists in it but I can’t derive anything from it’s indulgence. life before depression was seen through a lens in which everything was magnified so intensely that anything beyond was I was focused on could not be seen. I’ve permanently moved on from that stage in my life and can no longer find an identity that suits me. I just want to be happy with myself but nothing can make me love myself, I could look like her and I would still feel as empty. I don’t think it’s necessarily how I look that constrains me to this deep depravity but rather my mindset and how external variables have influenced it.
I feel emotions, I’m not apathetic, it’s not that I dont care, it’s that I can’t feel. I don’t know what to do and the nebulous nature of my future scares me, I don’t want to think about it yet I am forced to because my present lifestyle will greatly influence the near future. I just want to ascend my soul into the sky and become something different. maybe I wasn’t made to live this life through the eyes of someone like me. I can only imagine happiness that juxtaposes my own emptiness through the experience of someone else. I’m just rambling don’t mind me. I wish I could start all over, all from scratch, a new slate all together. I deeply miss someone and I don’t know who. I miss her but it goes beyond that and it shatters me, the longing, the pain, the nostalgia, it tears me apart to the point where i can’t function and nothing can assuage it. I just want to disappear, not necessarily die, just slip away. I don’t know what I’m talking about
6 comments
I feel the same way. It is like my soul needs to be somewhere else but dose not know how to get there.
You feel a passion.. You can go ahead and write the words but in the end, I know better. You feel it. And you may not know what you want or what’s best for you, because you haven’t dropped all that yet.. You haven’t let it go to make room for what’s best for you now, rather than what’s been built up.
I think you are very smart, obviously. But unique..and being unique always comes at a price. But trust that there is a pay off.
I missed you kiddo. How’s 2014 treating you?
Hey Stendarr,
Your writing is beautiful like it can capture you in that moment make you feel and experience the emotion that your feeling. You have a great gift.
I have always wanted to talk to you, but i can’t write and I’m no good with the written word spelling punctuation grammar and all that jazz just literally blows my mind.
I can read and understand, talk shit with the best of them, but I can’t write down what i really want to say in words. It just overwhelms me to a point where my mind goes dead. The only way I can really write is in rhymes or raps, not that I want it like that but its the only way that makes sense to me, but I don’t want to sound like a wannabe! okay I’m ranting sorry but this post really struck a cord with me especially at the end, I deeply miss someone and I don’t know who?
wow that’s like me I just want the other half of my soul, I know he’s there I know hes here, and I feel him with me during the saddest times of my life. hes in my bones, hes in me, he is me. He is the reason I can’t commit suicide he has saved me and brought me back from the dead, its like no time or space or distance could ever separate us. I’m heartbroken though because i know this man in this physical world but we just cant physically be together, and it hurts like hell.
I have no motivation to follow my dreams or become the person I was destined to be I could be like jesus and heal the world but what good would it ever possibly serve me NOTHING!
I know the only thing that could possibly change me and my I don’t give a F*** attitude and motivate me to want to do anything with my life is LOVE! but that aint happening so yeah who gives a f*** aye, go have another puff and make yourself happy! lol…
#my2cents!
@SS
oh my gosh, thank you! we should totally talk if you want, I would love to get to know you and hear more of your thoughts if you’re willing to share. Ha, I can’t do grammar either, whom the fuck cares about grammar? aha.
I agree with your sentiment, there is nothing in this life that seems appealing enough to compel me to keep living aside from experiencing personal and legal autonomy but even so, the lifestyle I wish to leave is transient and perhaps futile in its self with its uncertainty and danger. I don’t ever remember being truly “alive” in respect of being mature enough to recognize myself and the environment and people around me objectively and having genuine purpose. I’ve never wanted anything in life that requires prestigious prerequisites or really anything that requires substantial effort to obtain, which is kind of good i guess because i’m extremely lazy. I just don’t see the point in exerting any effort into anything if no one is going to appreciate the results of my exertion and I certainly am never satisfied or pleased with any of my actions. I don’t know what could really bring me back to Earth and tether me to life so it can be seen in its true vibrancy. Everything feels clouded and distorted, like being drunk all the time lol
romantic relationships seem lovely, i would like nothing more than to have an intimate and personal relationship with a person in which passion, loyalty, care and love is exchanged but I’ve never felt particularly inclined or worthy of any. i’d like to stay with a person perennially but i just can’t see a person condoning my inferiority and flaws for a long period of time and truly investing dedication in me. i don’t know, i suppose it all comes back to my low self esteem, perhaps i hate myself so much i’ve subconsciously separated consciousness from my body and the dissonance is what’s causing this distorted perception? aha. i’m jealous of those with genuine romantic partners, it actually kind of hurts because it reminds me of my own estranged nature and the fact that i’m unsuitable to be compatible with another person. all i can do in the meantime is reminisce memories that don’t exist and probably never will, the yearnings for an intimate bond i feel worthy of and an aspiration that also doesn’t exist.
Thanks so much for your kind reply.
I would really like to talk with you and share my thoughts with someone, but I am afraid of opening myself up to anyone and telling them what I do, and who i am.
I fear they will believe i am insane. i’m just a joker who everybody loves but probably can’t figure out why, but I know why some people kind of know why, but just can’t put their finger on me.
I just cant trust anyone and I push everyone who has ever tried to get close to me away friendships, relationships but I’m tired of this life and this lie i’m living like a double life.
I can’t continue on like this in the shadows spiritually taking care of my entire family for the past 12 years, all by myself. but I’m terrified of trusting and loving someone, only for them to believe i’m crazy. I have spent years as an alcoholic believing I myself was crazy, but I would always here this voice inside tell me that: crazy people don’t know there crazy.
Okay fuck it you wanna know my secret….
I am deeply spiritual, and I am the Gatekeeper to a heaven named the God Level. I have the Knowledge of Truth and know the ultimate answer to all life and existence. I am one of the greatest healers in this world.
I just need someone to understand and talk to about my experiences and everything I have been through. you know i don’t even know why i’m telling you this but I guess i’m just desperate to tell someone another soul on this planet who i am and what i’m really about.
P.s I don’t mind if you think i’m crazy and you never want to talk to me again. Thanks for just helping me to write and acknowledge that much of myself to someone else.
Sometimes I wonder if words are a trap. Some cultures consider words to be dead. All these thoughts and pondering are just like balls on a pool table being bounced around, pinging off walls, ricocheting off each other trying to find meaning, trying to find a place to land and gain a foot hold.
I was recently on a bicycling tour and found that words, both internal and external, dropped away after some weeks. The sound of the wind whistling by my ear, trucks and cars passing, a distant bird calling out, the tires grinding it out against the pavement became a beautiful song, became truth. What else is there…really? It felt like when I engage my mind, my thinking speaking vocal mind..that is when I begin to lie to myself, tell myself stories, draw further and further from what is real.