Hi. I’m a 38-year-old female. I’ve been reading on this site for many months. But I’ve never posted. Today I felt like I should share my story. The first time I thought about suicide was when I was 10. I can remember locking myself in my bedroom closet for two months surrounding myself with pillows crackers and fantasizing about who would be at my funeral and whether anyone would care, I scratched at my wrists. That was the only self harm I can ever recall. That was the beginning of what I consider the bad gene. Fast forward to now present day and what I can tell you is that I’m a mother of four with two children that have developed normally and two children that unfortunately have the bad gene. For me the bad gene has caused me episodes of mania and depression since I was 10 the downs used to be worth the ups. But they are no longer, as I’ve grown older, the downs last longer in the ups aren’t as high and I find that it’s affecting my parenting skills a great deal. As an adult I thought of suicide but never attempted it because of my children. I could never leave the motherless. Even at my worst when I felt I was worthless I still couldn’t imagine leaving them without their mother. My oldest is almost 21 and my youngest four, yes that means I’ve been a mother since I was 17, I never really had a chance to grow up and I’m still mothering. Two of my children or adults and I’m still raising two of them. During my downtimes when I am sleeping all the time when I am not eating and my children are fending for themselves it seems as if my four-year-old doesn’t know the difference at least that’s what I tell myself at least that’s how I live with myself. But my 12-year-old knows, he suffers. He’s already diagnosed with emotional disorders. And he suffers more at my hands as I sleep for days on end. What mother does that? I tell myself that this is what they know, that they’re used to it. But lying to yourself doesn’t really work when you know the truth. The tears run down my face and my son asked why. A year and a half ago my daughter who was 19 at the time was prescribed benzodiazepines in an ungodly amount and Seroquel for her emotional disorders the psychiatrist who did this was practicing dangerously with my freshly adult child. When her family including me found out how much been zoos she was being prescribed we told her how worried we were for her and how dangerous it was to be on that amount of medication. She was a walking zombie. I will backtrack a little. The same daughter had several suicide attempts as a teenager, however these were milder temps if you can consider an attempt mild. What I mean by that is I would say they were more a cry for help. A few extra Tylenol’s. Things of this nature. I don’t believe she really wanted to die, she truly just needed to be heard. Now, back to the walking zombie state, when she realized how worried we were for her, she stopped taking the benzo’s completely. At the same time her boyfriend broke up with her and she flew into a manic state to the point of psychosis I believe. She attempted suicide, walked yourself up in her apartment with her dogs took 30 200 mg Seroquel and some other psychiatric meds but we never were able to figure out but were it not for her friends who were worried when she didn’t return a text, and went to her apartment and broke down her door, she would not be alive. Bad gene. I cried for her pain. I cry for my son’s pain. And yet here I am on this site reading about each and every one of your pain, and I cry every day for yours as it were mine. Because every day I feel your pain, I feel lost in this world. I present myself well, my home is usually clean, unless I been sleeping for five days. But as soon as I wake up its clean again. I hide well. I cry alone. I tell my son to buck up, things will be okay. But inside I cry for him, because I’m afraid they won’t. There are so many more things to say. The tears are willing up right now. Sorry if I’ve been all over the with this. Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to be here and listen to all of you. Everyone of you on this site are so intelligent, your words are so meaningful. I’ve never come across a site with so many people whose words are so deep and so full of meaning I don’t think I could stop reading if I wanted to. Please know that I am always here. I may not speak very often, but I’m always listening. I am your ally, and I feel your pain I feel your loneliness and I’m fighting the bigger fight with you.
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I don’t think it’s the genes; i think it’s the bizarre value systems instilled in the youth by those engineering our societies. It’s all the bullshit we all get thrown at us, due to the wrong things most people are taught to think. It’s the way people treat each other, the way they value, or rather, devalue each other. Some people are just more sensitive to those abuses than others, and those/we more sensitive types are the ones paying the heaviest prices for the transgressions of a mere privileged few.
We should be fixing the problems and teaching people to cope more effectively; not demanding they integrate with an unacceptable society, and stuffing them with experimental chemicals when they can’t.
People create all the most destructive problems in the world… not “bad genes.”
Welcome, greensky… so sorry you’re here. It’s definitely sad that you missed your chance to be a free adult, and I’m sure that’s contributing to your downs. I’m no psychologist, but I’d say the fact that you clean all the time shows that you have a lot of unfocused energy inside, energy that most people would pour into career or adventure or activism, but in your case you’re confined to taking care of a family. Sleep, for all of us, is the escape from confinement that we crave.
I don’t know if there’s a “depression gene”, but I definitely think there’s a genetic component to mental disorder. I know because I recently found out that my father’s side was riddled with mental disorder going back to my great grandfather. A famous example would be the Hemingway family which has had 7 suicides in the last 3 generations.
I will never have children for fear of passing the problems on (whether genetic or behavioral). It sounds like you became a mother too soon before you had a chance to grasp the potential damage, and now you’re dealing with it. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, not that you were asking, but I hope can manage, just to see your 12 and 4 year old out of the nest. I don’t know your financial situation, but maybe you can enlist some help like a nanny, and that would allow you to leave the house more, maybe even travel somewhere to get a fresh perspective?
Thank you, Clevername and Stain. Your thoughtful replies mean so much.
Hi Greensky,
This is my first ever post or comment. I’m a 45 yo female, with a 20 yr career as a youth & later social worker behind me. I’m currently in my final year of a psychology degree. I’m replying your post to try to offer some hope. I figure doing so will take my mind off my own probs for a while. I’m posting via my phone so please forgive any typos.
I will try to be succinct as it’s late & I’m tired. Firstly I hear your pain & relate in a general sense as we are close to a similar age range. I’m a mother to only 1 though & he is now 28 yo. He does not live with me. I’m sorry to hear life is such a struggle for you.
2. You have young children. As such you owe it to them to be a responsible parent by seeking treatment for your depression (if you haven’t done so already).
3. You may have a moral right to take your life if you had no dependent kids but you do NOT have right to forever write on the slate in a devestating way that will never be overcome by leaving your youngest kids without a mother due to suicide. Doing such a thing will TOTALLY DESTROY thoses kids lives & increase the chances that they themselves will eventually suicide (I will get to predisposing genetic heritability factors in a moment so bear with me). This next bit will be hard to hear but is said with care & compassion to wake you from the slumber of the automatic depressogenic thoughts which currently have you in their grip. For a person with parenting responsibilities for dependent kids to suicide is the height of selfishness. You could not do anything more to show a complete LACK of care & concern for your children than to suicide. I can tell you love your kids – so make a decision that killing yourself is NOT an option & start working on some viable solutions to what is overwhelming you instead. Your job is to SET AN EXAMPLE for your kids as to handle adversity. The lesson you need to teach them & yourself is that ARE strong under pressure, that you CAN cope & that life even though it is very hard at times is worth living, when all is said & done in the end.
4. It seems clear that you are suffering depression. If you haven’t already, I urge you to seek medical help for this. A combination of meds PLUS counselling (with a qualified psychologist preferably) is known to be the more effective than just meds or just counselling to treat depression. What type of meds would be best will depend on the type of depression. Yr Dr can advise on this.
5. There IS a gentic vulnerabilty for MDD (major depressive disorder. It is to do with the ss, ll, & s alleles in genes of the chromosones responsible the serotonergic activity in our brains. We each have ONE of these combinations. People with the ss & sl allele are at significantly greater risk for MMD than people who dont have these versions of this allele & reduced serotonergic activity in the brain is also (independently) associated with a higher risk of suicide. Who knows what your genetic make up is on the chromosome responsible (genetic narkers sit on long chromosomes of DNA) but here’s the takeaway. You need to ROLE MODEL to your older daughter with a history of suicide attempts (you are right even non fatal attempts should be taken very seriously as prior attempts are a predicitor of future attempts & statistically the risk of completing suicide ie succeeding increases significantly with each attempt) how to take responsibility for handling her mental condition. So how do you DO this? By managing your mental health issues in just such a way.
Very tired & must go now but I hope this gelps a little. In closing know that you are brave & courageous. Why? Because you here talking about yr situation & seeking help instead of acting on your thoughts. Only a suicidal person (like me) knows how truely courageous that really is. Hang in there. If not for yourself for the kids. They NEED you. Hugs.
PS I have never had a suicide attempt either, but like you I once scratched my wrists as a youn teen (I was 13 yo).
This alludes to the fact that completed suicide (as opposed to unseccessful attempts) is the result of a long process. This process usually begins in childhood (my suicidal ideation ie thoughts, began at age 7-8 yo) , with those that complete suicide tending to come from families in which there was a great deal of psychopathology, child maltreatment, &/or instability of some kind.
There reasons ppl like you & I scratched our wrists at a young age (no other similar behaviour by me after that other than that one time). No time to explain but I know this will come pouring out if you go there. Try to find a counsellor to talk about these things. Talking about our problems does alleviate stress even if only temporarily.
Finally, I know it must have been hard being a young mum to so many kids, I was only 16 yo myself when I became a mum, but give it enough years & I promise you will be surrounded.by the most LOVING adult kids & grandkids you can imagine. I swear, you will be so don’t quit before the miracle occurs. 😉
PS I do apologise Greensky. I see you suffer depressive episodes & episodes of mania. I’m thinking then that you perhaps have bi polar disorder. The ups if you suffer hypomanic episodes are indicative of Bipolar I. If you’ve had fully blown manic episodes in the past that is suggestive of bi polar II. You need to see a Psychiatrist to confirm your diagnosis. Bipolar is more heritable than MDD. So yes, who knows but your condition may possibly be partly caused by a genetic predisposition, most likely interacting with environmental factors (family circumstances as a child, school experiences, current life stessors etc), as well as malfunctioning of systems that regulate certain neurocheminals including serotonin, dopamine & norepinephrine.
Having suffered this condition from a young age, it’s likely your brain is different to people who don’t have your condition. The hippocampus in your limbic system may be considerable smaller than a normal persons.
The antidepressant treatment meds of choice are diff for bipolar as compared to depression. The lows in bipolar as you describe are severe than despressive episodes in MDD. Bipolar (&.depression) are treatable conditions. Your task is to get the treatment you need & to role model that it is possible to do this to your elder daughter. She can learn how to manage her condition (whatever that may be) by modeling herself on you responsibly handling yours. This job is far more important than achievement in the world of work, edctn or anything else you feel you missed out on by having kids so young.
A career, work friends (in the main) & education will not be NOT around to look after us when we are ill, or older & frail. Your children (generally speaking) WILL be. Hugs.