ive been in care from a year old. throughout my childhood it was a never ending stream of social workers, supervised access visits and confusion.my foster parents threw me out when I was 12 as apparently they couldn’t cope with me – I was swearing, smoking a little and being generally grim (normal teenager but whatever) from there was the downfall, or maybe that started when I was born who knows. I lived with 2 other fosters carers after that (1 of which sexually abused me) and I left care when I was 15 to get away from all the nightmares.from then my real mum died a year later and I went to visit my real dad abroad only to find he was as I should have expected. hed met someone over in England when I was 8 and then with no thought of me, emigrated! its ok dad im in care ill be fine… after making a nice little family for himself he forgot me until his wife spurred him into action when my mum died. wow. im so lucky.anyway seems like all of my life ive been moving from disaster to disaster surviving because I used to have an inbuilt need to survive, not any more, now I want nothing more than to not wake up in the morning. I don’t want to think positive and kid myself – my past has damaged me and now im chronically depressed and desperate to not be here. I wish I wasn’t scared of pain 🙁 I thought about throwing myself in front of a tram but couldn’t do it to the driver or people on board. guess I sound like every other story on here, just tired of being miserable…
guess ill elaborate about the 2nd part of my life. after a psychologically abusive relationship at 25, I ran away and declared myself homeless. after 6 months I was housed and decided to become an escort to try and earn money to get away from the area, I couldn’t function well enuff for a regular job. after 10 days of doing the job I was raped by a punter and I attacked him, sending me to prison til 2011.since then ive tried to start again, re build my life, ive got a good job and amazing friends – so why cant I cope? why do I seem so nice and normal to other people when inside I hate myself and want to die? I think about death all the time, I am so unhappy I cant explain. I wish so much I wasn’t unwell but I am and theres nothing to make it better.