Life is beautiful but you don’t have a clue…

I love you truly do deep down I just try my best not to feel it anymore. I know that we messed up equally that neither of us is solely to blame for this disaster. But I feel like I could have been better, tried harder, supported you more. I didn’t mind hurting myself or loosing myself but loosing you the idea of hurting you it kills me. Because I can accept failure in any other aspect of life just not with you. So to be honest I’m not ok, I’m not happy, I lied about everything that I’ve said. I do want you still, and I really am sorry and I really do care. I could deal with my own depression but seeing you depressed it made my soul ache. I wanted to save you I was willing to give my life to save you but it was too late. It’s easy to be depressed it is so hard to see a person you love hurt and there isn’t anything you can say or do to help them. I guess I never understood now I know the pain that I put you through when I would try to kill myself. But I can’t make you see the light just like you couldn’t make me see it. You watched me die and now I have watched you die. I’m sorry doesn’t even do justice to how remorseful I am. Life could be beautiful if only we could have all stayed together and helped one another. Everything died it all fell apart and now I am alone wishing that I could just die. Because I dont see the point in getting back up if I’m just gonna end up falling right back down. I don’t see the beauty of life anymore I’m clueless my perspective is negative no matter how hard I try to change it. Maybe with time I will forget and get up and believe again. I honestly don’t care if I’m ever ok, i just want you to be ok to be happy. Forgive me for the hurt I caused you and probably still am because I am mentally sick.