Moving forward

I haven’t posted in a while so thought I’d give an update for anyone who’s interested.
Also, I’m hoping it might give some people a bit of hope? Who knows.

Last time I posted I was literally at the point of ending it all. I’d already tried once but passed out; I’d been taken in by the police on a separate occasion and things were getting messy. I just wanted things over. There didn’t seem to be any other way that made sense. I had one last visit with my psych and they upped my meds. They told me they were putting me into day hospital. I didn’t want that; I figured if I needed routine I could do that somewhere familiar rather than go all the way into hospital every day. So I decided to go and stay with my Mum (who lives at the other end of the country). I still wasn’t against ending things, but being at home was so intense and crazy that I just didn’t want to be there a second longer.

I was there for about 2 weeks but it has changed things a fair bit. If you’ve read my posts before, you’ll know that my ex left me which triggered a breakdown. In those weeks I changed my outlook on the situation and decided he wasn’t worth it, as some of you guys pointed out. I wouldn’t say I’m over him, but I’m over the situation he created. It no longer matters to me what he does, says, or trying to connect with him. It isn’t worth it.. I’ve been taking antidepressants daily which may have contributed towards my change in mood; I’ve stopped taking the antipsychotics cause the motor effects weren’t worth the sedation, which I don’t really need anymore anyway.

I’m feeling more positive. I’m still wary, skeptical and I’m not over all this yet, but I’m getting there. Its summer, I’m still young and I maybe I can do this? I’m taking it day by day. I know that horrible, deep, toxic feeling when you feel there is nothing left but pain and sorrow. It eats you alive and takes away everything that you were, that you are. I’ve been there more than this one time, and it is the worst feeling possible.
But one of the best feelings is when you start to get out of it. Or when you have moved past it. You look back and think ‘I did that. Things may not be perfect, or they might get that bad again, but dammit I did that’.

Feeling lighter in itself is a relief. But it is when you’re most vulnerable. So I’m just takin’ my time and seeing where things take me.