This might seem different than most of the posts I make, or everybody else makes for that matter. I recently read something on depression and it mentioned how it’s very difficult to get back to or even remember how you were before your depression. You lose yourself and the lucky ones that get over their depression, don’t always know what kind of people they are, what their personality was like.
My question for you is, before this black monster crawled on top of your shoulders, what were you like?
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surprisingly i was very outgoing and naive, a complete dumbass I would say. I wasn’t aware of my impact on those around me nor the impression that I made, I was very weird and I’m so glad I’ve transitioned beyond that phase, my god. I don’t even recognize my former self, I don’t even want to be associated with it ha
I got depressed around 7th to 8th grade which is a juncture in which a lot of change happens in terms of personality and identity as that is the beginning of adolescence and physical and chemical changes. Becoming depressed stunted me and put my mental condition into an unchanging state which has been consistent for all these years. Sometimes I wonder what I would have become if I had not become depressed, but who knows.
Proud. Alert. Obedient. A real team player who put the ‘Mission’ and the ‘Men’ before ‘Myself’. I was a riot to be around, always the centre of some fucked up joke or skit I’d be putting on for no reason other than to entertain other people. My friends would gravitate towards me and I’d keep them grounded with my world-weary experience. I was very content even though I was all alone on the inside.
I was a better person.
That doesn’t matter now. It’s not me anymore, and it never will be again.
I must admit I do not know. It started mostly when I was around a child and when my mental illnesses became more prevelant and my desires to self mutilate intensified.
None the less, depression has yielded me a multitude of understanding and knowledge. Even though it came with a great cost, I am rather thankful for the little I have learned. Sounds rather unusual, but depression was inevitable in my case anyways.
Even though I deal with this black monster on a daily basis, and if I some how make it out alive, I hope to be better than I was before.
I was a pretty smart guy with tons of potential. Loved sports and games. Not many friends but very loyal to anybody I cared about. Very strong personality. But I’ve changed who I am so completely to be with the one I love, nobody even believes I’m in pain.
There’s an exception to that. There’s people who have always been depressed (since early years) so they retain no memories of how they were without the depression. In some ways i think that’s my case after giving it a lot of thought (looking back i can’t remember being a child/teenager without mental problems).
I do remember some years in between (late 20s/early 30s) when i was a bit more “normal” thanks to some lucky circumstances and some people who passed through my life, but now that those reasons are gone i look back and wonder if that was really me, or if this depressed person that i’ve been most of my life is the real me. Wonder if anybody else feels something similar regarding their life situation.