It is automn and I am five. I m a lonely child, my friend are more ghost I created than real ones. I m thinking about death. Dad is dead. I I m wondering were his soul is and if his body is eaten by worms. But I now I m not supposed to ask myself this questions so as Mom asked I just smile and say “hello” to the all lady speaking to a grave.
AI m 8 and Mom says I will have a new father. He gave me a beautiful doll and de hide together in the moutains. I love him as I loved Dad. And during the wedding I smiled to everybody, saying “hello”
I m 9 and the prince charming dissapeared. I cannot sleep, he s shouting on Mum, telling I m a parasit. I m trying to suffocate to death with a pillow but you need more than that to kill pests. The next morning, he frightens me even more so I smile and say hello.
I m 12 and a guy in school spitted on my face. My stepfather is accusing me of destroying the family. He said I have to go. Well, I really want to, but I m too afraid so next day I just smile and say hello.
I m 16 and I m in a bording school. Don t want to waste my only chance to success and be happy in life. So I failed almost everything putting so much pressure on me. I m trying to find someone to talk. I find but he doesn t listen. That is not what people wants to hear so I just smile and say hello.
I m 17 and I made a prototype of hanging myself at home and planned to do it in the trees soon. I talked and talked about my pain.” You re not feeling bad, ‘they said. And their eyes said ” you re just wants to get attention “. ” You re still very social for a dépressive person, you wouldn t smile and say hello like that every morning if you really are”.
7 comments
I am sorry you had to endure this. I have to put on a fake smile quite often too and it hurts, like its angles penetrate my flesh and tear it.
The piano is also my passion. As a matter of fact, I am playing it right now, I just take a break now and then and come here because I am in pain and cannot sleep at the moment, so I cannot concentrate for too long.
Something tells me that you love Chopin too?
PS: My mother once told me that I was not depressed because there were many colours in my paintings. They just don’t understand.
I think Chopin is one of the greatest piano masters with Beethoven who is my favorite. I love his Nocturnes and I tried to play the Minute Walz, but my level was not good enough. I m playing the Beethoven s Adagio of the 7 sonata. It is really beautiful. If you like Chopin, you will surely love this play, even if it is composés by Beethoven. I also compose that s my only way to have some relief. But it is more film music. And well, it always reflects what I feel I like the way my fingers just moved around. There is no true or false in music no bad, no evil, no exageration, no need to justified yourself every 30 seconds, no jugement appart if it sounds good or not but for me it is so much, a beautiful windy journey and dancing colours with a rising sun. But my Mom ( sweets mothers we have, don t we?) tell me it is just a big waste of time and that s true because I have a big exam in two days and I m not ready at all but I cannot work because I feel to bad. But I never tell her my ” strange ideas”, I know she would say I m just whiner and that if I m lady like that I will not cet any job.
Well, my mother hates classical music and admitted that she doesn’t feel anything… 🙁 Once I had tickets for a concert and she said that she didn’t want to come because she was afraid of falling asleep. 🙁
I adore Beethoven too and play him on an almost daily basis. I think my favorite sonata is the Pathétique, but I also love the Adagio you mention. It is truly beautiful, you are right. The Pathétique was my first attraction to Beethoven, but now I like most of his sonatas. They are so powerful and it is almost unbelievable that he composed many of them without even hearing them. His genius is incredible.
I used to compose too, but I have been stagnant lately due to depression. Maybe I should start again. Actually just these days I was thinking of starting again, but then my depression got even worse due to the weather. 🙁
Well strangly enough my depression made me improve a lot in piano. I ve no limit anymore I can play for 7 jours a day. My wrists hurt very much but it is better than cut myself and it prevented me to think too much about suicide. I do not really composed, I do not believe enough in myself to write the notes down. But I still feel a kind of satisfaction when I finish to play one of my songs. I began two years ago and composed about 20 songs. Composing is exactly like drawing, first you look for ideas and you mais a vague sketch, then you draw the form and then you finalised. And like a drawing it will not be vert good at the beginning but you will improve a lot. But it is maybe not the best way to escape reality. My last song is called the ” White lights” I will record it and show you if you want…I don t know I think I m just telling shitty things. I like Japanese music like Joe Hisaishi as well. Do you like it ? I ve bad weather too, but I live in a beautiful place, the Alps, so I cannot really complain about it
Yes, in the past it was the same with me, but there is a threshold past which depression becomes paralyzing instead of productive.
I live in a beautiful place too, just a few minutes from the ocean, but unfortunately it’s winter now where I am.
I would love to hear your music. 🙂
In fact depression has became paralysing can t move my wrists correctly… and can t play the piano for 3 days now. It is fucking surprising to see how people suddenly do not want to speak with you when you re telling them you think about killing yourself. They say things like : well, you could always get better if only you wanted. See the positives things, blablabla… Wow, helped me so much thank you. Of course I want to be happy. Of course I want to play the nice little girl, that confort, reasure people with her high range of stupidity so that they could feel superior. But I don t have the energy anymore. I never had lot of friends but now I ve whether to pretend to be all right and lie all the time or staying alone. Mum doesnt even care, she doesn t noticed all the marks even they were not very good hidden…” No time to pick you up, no time for your homework, I m so in pain my work is so hard. You re not the princess here, so do what you have to do and then I might have time”… She works 3 days a week. Cannot play, failed my exam, nobody gives a fuck until next time where they will probably accuse me of being selfish again, like they accused my crisis of panic, my stomach problems and headaches to be fakes not to do the tests. Oh I forgot to say I was “earing” things again. I escape the whole psychatrist stuff at the moment, but people, my sweet friends said they would warn somebody if they think ( I don t understand, I thought I was just selfish and wanted attention…) I m in danger. And I ve to be positive ? Ok let s be positive: in 1. 40 hour this fucking day will have an end and another fucking day will start.
I am sorry about your problems. People don’t understand my stomach problems and headaches either, and yet they are very real and most probably the consequence of stress. As a matter of fact they are so bad that they keep me awake at night. Last night for example I woke up after sleeping for 30 minutes and felt so sick in the stomach I cannot even describe it. And I hadn’t had anything unhealthy for dinner, just a bit of spinach.
I am in the same situation. I cannot talk to people because instead of helping they notify the authorities that I am a danger of myself, even when it is not really that bad and I am just mentioning some problems. They just don’t get it that hospitals make things worse because they are like concentration camps. That’s why it’s better to talk here. I haven’t been here for too long, but it seems to be a nice place with many people going through similar ordeals, so they understand better. And nobody calls the police.