Something in the Way

An Overall Feeling Of Untapped Anger Ludicrous Expression Of My Burning Nauseous Stomach And Dissociation That Pierces My Soul And The Lust Of The Universe A Sedated Feeling Of Sorrow Contempt And Hatred Low Octave Starvation And Slow Sweet Whispers Of Foreboding.

I’ve lost it. I’ve gone completely insane. I had stuff here, now it’s gone. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it never happened. I have a hard time thinking. It’s impossible not to sound like a whiny, punk ***** when I try to explain my situation. I come off as pretentious, hypocritical and mean-spirited. Maybe I am. Sorry for the spam, but I just lost all of my previous writing, and hey I thought it was pretty fucking good. Most of it was stolen from the void. If I am to be honest I don’t want to write this anymore. I realize my own stereotype of angsty Nirvana loving teen who thinks they have it bad yet they live in suburbia, are financially secure have no sense of meaning and is always going on about doom and gloom yet I have so much physical pain that I un-ambiguously complete it for my own bidding. Nothing I write makes sense, that was a run on sentence and I have no friends.

I am going to forget about most things and just concentrate on writing about the pain. Do you like meals? I think food can be healing sometimes, it can temporarily heal sorrow and even alleviate pain. I starve myself. Sobbing, I forcefully sustain my nourishment by pushing the aforementioned food item down my esophagus. I cannot enjoy food. It causes me pain beyond anything I can represent with my poor vocabulary. Every single fucking day I have to eat. Lately just one small meal. Imagine your 3 meals a day being made of shit. I don’t even have the luxury of being able to throw up, and I’m too dreamy to force myself. I can hear it now. “How is your diet?” “Have you tried eliminating acid foods?” “What about gluten?” Fuck you. Not you, the doctors. For a little over a year I ate extremely healthy, I pushed myself to make the right decision when I was already feeling anxious, suicidal, had daily immeasurable pain and was in one of the most awkward parts of my life. It didn’t do jack shit. Any food or liquid that I consume will hurt me. I’ve accepted it as fact. So fuck it, might as well eat extremely unhealthy, right? I was about to say something, but forgot. I’m too silent to do anything right now. I’ll try to explain my pain, how long I’ve had it, my depression among other things in another post. As if that’ll happen.