this is my story (the sad part) i think

hello. I’m kaelyn. I’m 15. this is the part of my story that isn’t so great but i figured that I need to start somewhere.

my parents were 18 when I was born. they weren’t together. I want born into a freakishly religious family. I am not religious at all.

anyways.

I think that the bad thoughts (hurting myself, wanting to die) began around age 8. my mom had a boyfriend who lived with us and my sister was 4. my mom worked all the time. her boyfriend was very abusive. one of the last things i witnessed him do was hold my mom in the air and choked her till she passed out.

I’ve always been very protective over my sister. i never want her to have to witness things like i did. during that time, when a fight would erupt, I would hide my sister away so she wouldn’t have to be apart of that.

through that experience, I’ve developed severe anxiety.

through my fathers absence, I’ve developed depression.

I’ve always wondered why i always get left behind or forgotten about. anyways.

middle school. it was okay. I was hopelessly in love with a boy who lived my best friend. that was pretty shitty. 8th grade year i was pretty torn up. just tired of dealing with everything. I started self harming.

freshman year. hands down by far the worst year of my life. everyday I would wake up and cry. I would cry on the way to school. I would cry on the way home. I would cry all evening until I passed out. I felt worthless. i just wanted to escape my body somehow. I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol. they were a good escape. self harming was at an all time high for myself and I became very depressed. i rarely left my room. I didn’t eat or take showers for days at a time. I didn’t change my clothes. i felt that there was no reason to live. I was on a downward spiral, music being my only escape. i attempted suicide 4 times that year.

things got somewhat better this year, my sophomore year. i no longer had the burning feeling in my stomach and throat when my alarm clock went off. i didn’t cry as much. this past year has mainly been self image issues. i find myself very unattractive and gross. I can’t find one thing i like about myself and it sucks. I get very emotional when people bring up eating disorders i mean, who doesn’t. at school, one of my student teachers shared that he had battles anorexia and i bawled my eyes out in class. i probably looked really stupid because I’m too fat to have an eating disorder, but it triggered something. i love him for that.

now, things are beginning to fall apart. I feel very alone. I don’t know why my brain does this but without a distraction i have nothing else to think about. I have lessened the amount of self harm i participate in significantly.

much love, kaelyn.