My mother has always suffered from severe, chronic (mono-polar) depression, and constant suicidal ideation. My brother and I inherited/learned this, but I am the only one in our family who has become “actively” suicidal. So far I’ve been committed more than a dozen times to various laughing academies for the spiritually bewildered, not to mention 3 comas, and other extended stays in hospital ICU’s due to my addiction to self abbreviation. I was even dead for more than two glorious, velvet black minutes, before they revived me (“You didn’t save my life! You ruined my death!!!”).
I was abused in every possible fashion by my alcoholic father before I reached the age of four when he mercifully abandoned our family. But, we moved into my grandparents garage where I was physically and mentally abused for four more years by a hateful grandmother while my unknowing mother worked two shifts a day as a waitress, and spent most of her off-time visiting my severely ill brother and sister who were always in the hospital. My first two sexual experiences were brutally violent rapes. My first love died from undiagnosed meningitis on my 30th birthday, and my second less than ten years later from liver cancer.
Having a method to kill myself is the only way I can sleep at night, the only way I can face the terror of another day.
Just because I was forced into this life, why do I therefore have to live it? I’m an absurdist and existential nihilist, I do not believe life has any meaning, purpose, or value. Do I win some sort of prize for waiting for a “natural death”? Am I to live simply because I am alive? Because society says I should? Because an accidental, unwanted meeting of sperm and egg forced this burden upon me? I have no excuses, explanations, or apologies to make for my wanting to end my life.
I do not fear death. I fear the horrible pain and unbearable suffering it takes to get there. But, I soothe myself with the thought that the odds are in my favor, that it’s only a matter of time.
51 comments
10 cool points for the expression “laughing academies”. i refer to them as an episode of looney tunes. you are fucking awesome. never heard that one. def guna use it.
I keep on meeting cool people on here 🙂
I have been asking myself the same questions. Is there some reward at the end of this painful existence? Do I win major extra brownie points if I make it to 80 rather than, say, 52? What is the point of all of this when the end result is the same: death and nothingness. It’s not worth the daily struggle, the daily turmoil, the overwhelming anxiety and fear, to keep this going for another year or two or three. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to maintain your existence when you really don’t want to be here, and don’t have anyone or anything to keep you here. I just wish I had an easy and relatively pain-free solution.
On the upside your writing is poifect. If you wrote a book or something, I think I would read.
“Having a method to kill myself is the only way I can sleep at night, the only way I can face the terror of another day.”
Same here… And Nietzsche is with us too:
“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”
? Friedrich Nietzsche
PS: My death was ruined by some morons to who even broke my window to break into my apartment.
I also find peace in knowing that when it is time I will have a successful way to accomplish it. I agree, it helps me sleep as well, knowing I have a method and a plan.
… by some morons “too”…
Why cannot we edit comments??
it’s probably complicated to set that up on the back end, and, it would probably be easily abused by people who would post something, get a response, then change their comment to make the response look bad… or possibly even “obstruct justice” by destroying “evidence,” in the event that any lawsuits or charges end up filed for any reason.
Currently, only the OP (original poster) can modify/delete comments in their own threads (which is also open for abuse by the OP, as has been demonstrated at least a few times since i’ve been around).
I don’t have a Facebook account because I hate Facebook, but I think that you can see all edits on Facebook if you click on some link (not sure what it is called because as I said I don’t have an account). That would be nice for example.
well, i was just speculating on why i think we don’t have that privilege here. It could be some other reason, for all i know… but i would guess the factors i mentioned are likely relevant to the question.
obviously, yes, thought that on day one considering the possiblitys… makes sense.
Maybe that’s just the way WordPress works, not really a decision of the administrators. I also thought we might not be able to send PMs because people could arrange suicide together in PMs, but this is actually a blog-like site, and people can’t send PMs on such boards. Then again, maybe the administrators chose WordPress and not for example a php board exactly for this reason (that members cannot communicate via PMs, although occasionally someone posts an email address).
We are free to exchange external contact information, so i don’t think wordpress was chosen to prevent that. I would guess that wordpress was chosen for ease of use, and massive community available for brain picking when anything goes wrong.
Yes, we are, but I think PMs are worse because anybody can send you a stupid PM while when we exchange contact information here it is usually because “we” want to start a conversation, so we make the first step. Of course if somebody publishes their email address publicly on this site they can still receive unwanted messages, but with PMs it is just easier to click on a name and send a stupid message or spam.
I just met the friendliest cat outside my house by the stream… now back to people 🙁
I wanted this cat dead a couple of nights ago because I didn’t know what had been digging through my garbage. And now we’re friends 🙂 Animals are way better than people.
I wish I just lived out in a nice peaceful cabin alone in the middle of the woods somewhere… but then I’d starve due to isolation 🙁
Irrelevant, but this thread kind of trailed off anyway.
Maybe now I won’t be so loney to post on SP out of boredom for a while.
“…but then I’d starve due to isolation”
The answer is sustainable microfarming. You don’t have to starve to live away from society anymore. 😉
Absolutely. I am vegetarian anyway, so it would be wonderful. I have been planning to go and live in the forest myself for a long time (I think I posted this thought in another thread too).
Sounds like work man.
^ cn
Oh it would be some work… but you’d be working for yourself, for your own survival, and you’d watch all your food grow from seed to fruit, and you’d know just about every bit of anything that went into it. It’s the very rewarding kind of work: the kind worth doing.
Using survival as an incentive isn’t the most clever move on a suicide forum, clevername.
The word “survival” makes me feel diminished, totally worthless… 🙁
the survival isn’t the point; the being the primary controller of your own localized microcosm, is. Control of your own area and fate, distance from all the people and places you hate… stars at night, howling wolves in the distance… harvesting a load of natural food, grown by you, for you…
Peace, nature, no “other people” hassles… and in the scenario of an intentional community… you are in the company of like-minded people who are around you intentionally rather than just being stuck with whoever happens to be stuck near you.
I didn’t know Clevername was a self surfficiency guru, does he know how to construct a wind turbine to generate electricity to power a laptop so you can still have access to SP just in case it all goes terribly wrong.
I had a friend who lived in isolation in the forest, but only a few miles from civilization too, and she had the Internet. She had to go out with a bear spray…, but she had the Internet.
Lol nias…
Mmm, no clevername, however joyous inside the idea of having control over my very own microcosm would make me, I’ve already succumbed, to everything. I couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t have the will. I should just change my name to succumb, on this forum. Living off the land is hard work anyway.
There’s a lot i don’t know about living off the grid… but no doubt i can learn the rest of what i need to know, without much difficulty, as it’s one of the most interesting and appealing possibilities for me, and i currently have internet, with which to investigate. ^^
Plus, i’d go mainly solar anyway (you can build your own solar arrays with cheaper chipped panels which retain almost all of their intended efficiency; just cheaper because most people worry about aesthetics, and overestimate the efficiency reduction of a few mere chips), with wind for backup/supplement for those occasions where the sun is blocked for several days in a row.
If someone dropped ~$100k on me right now, that’s exactly what i’d do. I’d get my teeth fixed, do up a few long-overdue necessary things, and find the ideal parcel and get started. I’d get everything i need, and if there’s anything left, it’d go in a savings account, from which to pull annual land taxes, without requiring my intervention.
I wouldn’t stay primitive with it either. I’d just make sure to use the lowest possible power consuming devices for my needs, and have an overkill amount of long-term storage batteries to store excess charge for the times it’s needed.
It would take several thousand dollars investment up front (which i don’t have, and isn’t likely that i will), but in so doing, you could eliminate almost all monetary costs, and even sell your excess food at a farmer’s market, and start a (yet another) prepper/off-grid website, full of good info and affiliate links to worthy related purchases. In fact, through this method, you could actually build substantial wealth… you could even amass a bunch of adjacent land and start your own micro-town. ^^
I think if i were to find myself in that situation, i’d gladly ride the spiral much farther.
or you could just buy a farm… simplicity
lol… or i could just kill myself, right?
This isn’t about being lazy; this is about doing work worth doing, to reap the rewards worth reaping: work that keeps me alive, away from anyone else, and doesn’t make anyone else rich in the process, while also ensuring i know exactly what goes into all the food i eat… yes.
Plus, farms are expensive, i can’t just “buy one.” lol…
What would most likely happen is that i’d have to rough it all primitive style for a few years before i’d be able to upgrade to something more comfortable.
In the scenario where somone dropped 100k just on your lap, you would be able to buy a farm.
assuming i didn’t have other expenses… which i do/would.
First, the IRS would take a chunk. Then i’d have to pay extra fees upon purchasing anything, and, i have some personal issues which require large sums of money to begin correcting. If someone just dropped 100k on me, half of it would be immediately gone.
After taxes and fees etc., it’s hard to buy any “farm” i’d actually want, and “farms” usually are large and not micro, requiring expensive machines to utilize it efficiently.
Plus, if i’m doing it only for myself, i don’t need very much space at all, which is why i said “microfarm.” The idea is to sustainably maximize yield, with the minimum amount of space (thus keeping money, time and energy costs, down…).
A farm for 100k? Did I miss a huge deflation in the US?
^ lol
Exactly.
well, it’s just about how large the land needs to be to support someone adequately and the type of vegetables to grow to maximise the space advailable but there’s bound to be some offical who’ll came and cause trouble over a regulation or someting.
1) vertical growing is also possible
2) i’d just use him as fertilizer
Thanks CN I’ll look into vertical growing, it sounds interesting, maybe when my circumstances change but at present I only rent a single room so all I could manage at present is a window box for planting stuff.
A small farm.
^ *lonely
ah lonely, I thought you meant looney, so many people say that having a pet is good for you, I had a dog for a number of years and it helped me so much, it gave me something to care about, the walking and feeding and the pleasure of a wagging tail, but work meant I couldn’t keep him, but I would love another pet. Talking of the post, at 45 I was a bit miffed about the idea people go downhill after 30 but thinking about it, yes, it’s true for me too, damn it.
🙂 I initially thought exactly the same – namely, that he/she meant “looney”…
Yes, I don’t want to live to see 30 … I’ve always wanted to die when I was twenty-six or twenty-seven ever since I was a child for some reason, well, not too old, not too young, seems like the perfect age to go, then again going before would be fine too. Honestly, I don’t want to live to see twenty, but it’s zeroing in and my time’s runing out. I only came on this site looking for resources in the first place. It’s wierd to me that a lot of musicians died when they were twenty-years old, or close to that age, I only heard about the Twenty Seven club after I’d wanted to die at that age for years…
I wanted to post something on here that wasn’t negative, a lot of these threads are similar and therefore narrowly focused, this site has become. Yoda I am.
The cat left though, it trotted off… I have a nice backyard that’s part of a small woods by a stream, and there are some deer here as well, it’s relaxing. And I actually live in a suburb, not in the country, so I can walk to the stores and still be close to nature 🙂 My house is cool like that.
I have seen some interesting threads on here though, if anyone has heard the recorded poems posted by bullfrog a bit back, they’re very good. This poster does seem a bit interestingly creative too, lol, with her wording. I think otherwise I’ve been talking to the other posters who have been posting regularly for the past few days, you Nias, TormentedSoul and clevername… Ithink I talked to Lovinglife as well, a week back about something, and I don’t remember what, but it seems he’s gone now 🙁
He did write something about nature in one of his posts as well, about it being soothing and beautiful, even if you can’t enjoy the world around you, nature is always there. Along those lines…
I like this place. It’s like a stream of consciousness free-writing journal foer whoever wants to post, and you’ll get responses from other sorts of people riding your cloud, so to speak … it’s nice. People should post happier things on here, beyond their initial complaints… then we may actually get somewhere 🙂
^*twenty-something years old*
I am writing this on my android and it’s harder to see, and the letterpad is impossibly tiny… I still prefer actual buttons to this touchscreen I have, although it is convenient…
I live on the outskirts of London but there plenty of countryside around if I look for it, I’d hate to live in the city itself, I used to have a clock radio that play the sound of water to get me off to sleep but as I work nights now I use earplugs. I would love to live further out into the country, the quietness would be bliss, I keep hearing police and ambulance sirens and car horns. I remember the film Logans Run where people were vapourised at 30 after living a hedonistic lifestyle, live fast die young so they say.
Yeah, I’d like to live a little further into the country, somewhere slightly less crowded where I can leave the curtains open and just feel safe and relaxed… I live in a town of about 6,000-7,000, I think, so it’s not dangerous here, but I’d still feel better in the country where I could feel less constricted … as long as I wasn’t near any of the pollens I’m allergic to, it would be nice.
Lol, yeah, I’ve heard of Logans Run man, never seen it though, good concept
When I talk about downhill after 30, I think I’m getting my threads mixed up there’s another called ‘my theory here, on life after 30’, thought it was this one hence the mention, just clarifying.
While people dislike me at first sight, animals usually love me at first sight… And I love them too. Sometimes I have postponed suicide for my pet – no kidding. Who knows what is going to happen to him when I am dead.
He will wait three days, then eat your body.
He’s a tiny bird with a big heart.
Lol, 🙂 I like birds ^^
The birds that talk, and look like they’re smiling ^^
My bird is a man of few words. He sits on my shoulder, stretches his neck to see my face and blows me kisses. 🙂
“I fear the horrible pain and unbearable suffering it takes to get there.” I get this. Like you, I had my death ruined by being “saved” (I was dead for about a minute, so you were away longer). Since then, I’ve been so afraid to try again. I don’t want to fail again, I don’t want to “live.” I sometimes wonder if I really did die and this is just my penance. Who knows. But great post.