I don’t think I’ll ever know when to walk away from life, it’ll be more of a spur of the moment, angry and impulsive act. I am worth less than nothing. You know the kind of person you’d accuse your friend of being to offend them (“you’re a fucking idiot / ugly bastard / freak / no dick / boring / loser”). I’m every single one of those things and it’s not just self-loathing, it’s the truth. I am literally retarded and everything else that’s bad. I’m a walking joke. The incredible thing is that despite knowing this and the amount of pain I’ve been through I keep plodding along, pretending that something different will happen. I think anyone with half a brain would realise the extent of my problems and uselessness and leave the world to the living. But I run and I hide and if I keep doing it I’m going to die without a shred of dignity or respect from others. I want it to be over and I know my family will get over it, they’ve known my problems all my life and i’m not the kind of person who’d be greatly missed by anyone. I’m not a real person. I’ve never belonged. And even when people ask me basic things I can’t communicate back because I am helplessly intellectually disabled (don’t let my writing fool you). As selfish as it is, the one thing that stops me is the fear of jumping and the pain of impact. Paper cuts hurt me, I can’t getting a tooth removed, yet I’ve somehow have to find the courage within me to jump from a 150ft onto concrete all the while knowing I could survive yet break every bone in my body… The saddest thing is that nobody on this planet has ever truly related or understood me. I am an anomaly and it breaks my heart. I’m on here for the same reason as everyone else, in the futile hope that someone will reply with the magical answer, something that will fix this mess. But this life is hopeless and I’m going to do it.
(Just not today)
3 comments
You articulate yourself very well, I’m a little doubtful you are genuinely retarded. I completely empathize with your predicament and the constant struggle and dissonance that accompanies low self esteem. Alienation is not the product of your own characteristics but rather the actions of others who perceive your qualities, it is NOT your fault. There are so many people in the world, I’m absolutely certain you will find compatible people in the future. It’s hard not to focus on your internal and external perception of yourself, the best you can do is ignore it until self esteem comes along with age as it normally and sometimes does. Focus on your passions and things that bring you happiness and evoke curiosity in your regardless of how long it does so. (hugs)
I don’t know what it’s like to be mentally handicapped, but I would assume someone of inferior intellectual capacity would not have the ability to express their thoughts and translate them into words that properly communicate their point. Stringing together sentences requires puzzle solving skills as well as critical thinking and logic, I would think that someone who is mentally retarded would not be able to do what you’re doing because they lack those characteristics. But I feel you lol, I feel like a retard as well even though people have said i articulate myself well, I took an IQ test and took one look at it and understood wtf% of it
The magical answer that will fix this mess!!
I believe that we already have the answers we’re looking for. Maybe what we’re all looking for is someone to confirm what we already know. It takes a ton of courage to sit still, face yourself in quiet solitude and look deep within. Only in that space will you find your truth. No one else will give it to you, find it for you, only you can do the work. It takes the courage of a lion, the bravery of a warrior. Dig deep, my friend, and face yourself head on.