I am 36..had a pretty rough life.. Not as bad as some, but still pretty rough.. I was sexually abused from about the age of 4 or 5 until I was about 11 by 2 family members..my grandfather and my uncle.. I started smoking pot at around 8 or 9, started drinking when I was I think 10.. Snuck out of my house and. Partied every weekend and would even sneak my parents liquer to school in sports bottles.. once I realized that I can escape this reality I did whatever I could and did it to the max.. I then started lsd and cocaine which led to meth and crack and oxy.. at one time I would be on lsd and mushrooms and doing lines of coke and meth together then I would smoke crack and meth as well. Smoke some pot and drink a fifth of booze to top it all off.. I was basically up for 2 years.. I would stay up for 2 weeks and take a 20 minute powernap that seemed like a whole day then go another couple weeks.. this was my life for almost 10 years of the hard stuff.. the drinking and pot was closer to 15 years.. I’ve lost a lot of friends from drugs and alcohol and suicide.. I know I can’t actually go thru with it..I have 5 kids at home..but the thought does cross my mind quite often.. my husband is in poor health..we had a daughter who passed away when she was 2.. we actually have 7 kids altogether..ages 17..16..10..7..5..& 3.. our daughter who passed would be 9 right now.. I feel like I am a failure at everything I do.. I yell at my kids..I cry every day.. I’ve been sober for 11 years so I’m not doing drugs..I get so depressed that I don’t do anything around my house.. I just don’t know what to do.. I want to rise up and be strong and change to be happy but how do I begin????
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Maybe find some new interests? Is there anything your kids like to do that you would like to do too (possibly with them so you can get closer)?
I do try.. I take them on walks, and to the park.. I try to get my husband to come with us but he has severe nerve damage fr a spinal infection last year.. That is another thing we have to deal with.. He has been labeled a pill seeker because of the pain he has been experiencing since being in the hospital last august.. The drs are refusing his care amd have red flagged him even at the emergency rooms.. My kids have to watch him suffer and cry in pain.. He tries to work amd pushes himself and I feel as if I am just a nurden
*burden. My kids cant do sports because we camt afford it, they habe no friends in school, I just somwtimes feel like they could be better off if I wasnt there.. They wouldnt have me yelling at them or they wouldnt watche cry because everything in our lives keeps going to crap.. My husbamd has all these medical things and it seems as if I get kidney stones or my herniated discs act up when he’s down so both of us are immobile.. I just wish we could have a break just long enough to see and realize what we need to do next… :'(