First of all sorry but i have wrote a lot, i have poured as much as i can say into this and feel completely lost and don’t know where to turn. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems but i just have no dea what to do.
I’m pretty much back to square one. I’ m no better than the 16 year old me who left school and had nothing to show for it.
I was diagnosed with manic depression at the age of 16 (although they were plenty of signs that i had this throughout my childhood) I struggled through school and hated every minute of it. I left school with nothing except a relationship with an amazing girl who i ended spending 7 years of my life with.
The depression affected me greatly at 16 and I spent 2 years working unable to hold down a job, I couldn’t find anything i liked and had no idea what to do with my life. I finally decided i was going to go to college and work my ass off to get myself into university and get a degree. My girlfriend did the same.
We were completely in love with each other and spent every day together. Once we had finished college we had money saved up from working part time to move in with one another. College was difficult as again i suffered with depression but we both made it through and we both got accepted into the same university. Everything started to look up although i never found medication that worked my depression subsided and we both began to thrive at university and we loved every minute of it.
Everything was going great my grades were great, we both had loads of friends and i began to thrive in a sport i was playing. I was asked to play for my national team at student level and was also invited to attend trials at a professional club when their season began. I bulked up got super fit and felt great.
Here’s where things started to go wrong. We went out for drinks one night with friends and although we never liked to drink much or stay out late we had reasons to celebrate and decided to stay and have a good time. My girlfriend knocked over someones drink by accident and an altercation ensued, it was quickly resolved and i split everything up apologized and we thought that was all done with.
When we both walked home we were attacked by four people, my gf ended up in hospital and i left with minor injuries. She was glassed and suffered permanent scars.
I was never able to get over the attack and felt responsible that i was not able to properly protect my gf. Depression kicked in and i lost around 3 stone within a year, those sports trials came, but i was nowhere near stable enough mentally or physically to even be there and i failed spectacularly.
I couldn’t find any medication that worked everything just made me worse and played havoc with my memory and concentration. My grades slipped and i stopped handing in work, my tutors knew about what had happened, they sympathized and told me to resit my 2nd year, so i agreed to. That was 12 months ago. Soon after i began trying to sort my head out and get back to normal i tried to put weight back on and take care of myself.
Me and my gf were 7 years into our relationship by now, i found out she had been sleeping with someone else after the incident had happened. We tried to make things work but i couldn’t get past it. We split and the plans to get married after university and move abroad vanished.
She moved out and i could no longer afford to pay the rent and had to move back in with my parents. Still determined to get myself better and complete university i tried again. I tried without medication and without my gf supporting me i have felt completely alone and overwhelmed with work, i have had no friends to study with and again my concentration and memory has played havoc. Tonight i have received a letter stating i have failed my attempt at my 2nd year and although i can redo this again it will be next year and i have to fund it myself. This is impossible.
I have no idea what to do right now, i have nothing, i miss my gf immensely, i have no medication that works and do not know where to turn. I feel like i have completely failed at everything.
7 comments
Why aren’t you in therapy? You need an outlet. You’ve been thorough so much- had it all then lost it all.
Doesn’t mean it’s over. The only thing preventing you from rising above it is you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. You’re suffering from depression. It’s debilitating. Don’t blame yourself. Easier said than done. You were attacked by 4 people! You were attacked, outnumbered, and surprised. You didn’t see it coming. Then on top of that you were obviously racked with guilt.
THEN she cheats on you.
Are you connecting that to the attack? Don’t you think regardless of the attack it would have happened anyway? That attack could have made you guys stronger- it didn’t. She pulled away. So what does that say about her commitment to you?
Maybe it will work one day, maybe it won’t. But the person you should care about most right now is YOU. You will never be a good partner to anyone, or a success at what you do if you can’t take care of yourself and accept things you can’t change.
You’re just getting kicked down a lot lately. It can turn around. Go to the gym, or run- you need to get out an increase those endorphins and clear your head. Do something for yourself. Whatever that may be. When is the last time you did something positive for
Yourself?
The school thing…I don’t know. There has to be a way. There’s always a way.
You can do this. You did it once you can do it again.
And please see a good therapist.
I really wish you the best.
Thank you for your reply.
Yeah i do connect her cheating with the attack. She went through a terrible time after and i should have done more to comfort her, maybe she went to someone else because i wasn’t there. I don’t think she would have cheated if the assault didn’t occur. She suffered massively after, she has facial scars that will be with her for life. I walked away with hardly a scratch…
I feel like i could have done more to help her, i was also the one who suggested staying out late.
Tuition fees have increased so much that its no longer possible to complete my education. Even if i could afford i no longer feel like i could manage the workload now. I feel like I’m now going to end up in a dead an job and life just wont be worth living.
I’ve tried therapy on 3 separate occasions since i was 16 and I have never found it at all useful for me.
First of all, I’m assuming you’re in your early twenties (if 1990 means anything -24?)
You are young. You can do this. I’m a teacher and have taught high school for almost a decade. I have seen every type of student there is (more or less). I’ve been total “failures” come back and totally turn their life around. I’ve seen kids with unsupportive parents who still manage to flourish. I’ve seen kids who were aimless, with no direction, who are doing ok now. Some are doing better than I ever thought.
Point being. It takes alot to fk up your life. You would have to do that to yourself. No one can fk up your life for you. It’s about the choices you make. Everyday. I know it’s so hard and of course you feel guilt. It must have been so hard to experience and it must stay with you both everyday. I am so sorry you both had to experience that.
But how long do you live in the past? What are your options? There are always options. Take off a year and work! You don’t know where that road will take you. Even if you wait tables, you’re out there. You’re out there doing something that is meant to get you back on track. My lord you’re not by any means old. I’m assuming you’re not from the states so I’m not sure what university after college is – is that equivalent to grad school in the states? If so, can you take out a loan? Or try a different university? Or as I mentioned, possibly try working for a year.
The pressure you are putting on yourself is immense.
Imagine having a son who experienced what you’ve been through. What would you want to tell him? That he’s responsible for everything and should feel guilty and he fked up his life and there’s no hope?
I know it seems impossible to see now, but there is hope. You have someone rooting for you from New York. 🙂 See? Baby steps. One day at a time.
I’m not a religious person at all, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. I just think the universe was coded like that. All if this terrible stuff happened but it must mean something. If it means she’s not the girl your meant to be with or if your not being able to get threw college means your not meant to be in college then I think if go with it. I’ve been threw a lot in my life. One thing I’ve learned is that you can only push so hard against the current before it pushes you down river. You won’t end up in a dead end job. Dead end people end up in dead end jobs. Maybe you should try and join the military, assuming you live in the US, maybe join the marines and become a bad ass that people look up to. Learn how to be a bad ass and maybe it’ll show your ex that you have your shit together, or maybe you’ll find someone better in the process. I don’t know, I just feel like whenever I’m down I just want to show people what they missed out on.
every effect is generated by not just one cause, but many… and each of those causes, in turn, was an effect generated by other causes.
This is “the reason” for everything that ever happens.
But when people say “everything happens for a reason,” that is rarely what they mean. What they typically mean, is actually incorrect.
I’ve been telling myself since i was 16 to give it one more year and see what changes. I just feel like i cant keep doing it anymore for every step i take forward i take 5 back. I attempted suicide at 18 with a cocktail of over 50 pills (i remember sitting and counting them out) I took them with alcohol and got into bed and went to sleep. The only thing that happened was i had to be shaken the next day to wake me up and i spent the remainder of the day feeling “drunk” and really groggy.
I have spoken to student support today, My education rep, course leader and my course assistant and there is nothing they can do, there’s no chance I’m going to be able to finish university.
I’m back in the last place i want to be right now and it will be for the foreseeable future. A huge part of the reason i went to university was to get myself a decent job i enjoyed doing, waiting tables, cleaning ect this all made me miserable i have tried to better myself an i’ve failed doing it.
I kept telling myself wait for things to get better give it another year, but no matter what i do i end up back here.
I actually tried to enlist in the forces but because i have asthma i was told i would never get in. It frustrates me because I’m always in great shape and know i would ace basic training and things.