A smile that meant nothing

I would smile to friends and family for the longest time. I would smile like nothing was wrong to keep people away from asking whats wrong.  I kept that smile up for the people who thought my life was perfect. Nobody knew the pain N suffering I had to go through to get to where I am now. I’ve walked a thin line from never getting caught to hey what happens if I get caught.  During that time I was N still am suffering from PTSD, anxiety,  panic attacks,  and mood disorder. I watched a family member do things to me that I should have never experienced. I watched myself go from the goody good kid to fuck it let’s see what happens. I was a sweetheart who was willing to do anything for my family N when I was rapped again that went down the drain.  It was still there I still did everything for my family. Until march 31st 2009 I got a letter from my first loves sister saying she killed herself. It went to hell after that. I was getting into trouble N not giving a fuck. I was doing things you couldn’t even imagine how I survived. Going from the goody good kid to fuck it let’s see what happens I could tell it effected my family relationship. I started isolating myself more N more as each day passed. I started drinking until the pain was gone. Went to a friends party that’s when I got a interdiction to the monster that I fight everyday to stay clean. Oxy cotton was the monster that helped with my pain N nightmares.  I was heavily addicted for meany years. I’ve been close enough to trying many other drugs. While I was heavily addicted I got beat N sexually abused and mentally abused by an ex boyfriend.  I was more addicted everyday. I kept telling myself I can quit it’s not that hard. I was drinking and doing oxy N so much more don’t know where I would be without my grandfather. I know he’s dead N in heaven watching over me but I was to the point where dying was a good idea. If it wasn’t for his voice in the back of my head telling me not to do it. I would have done it. I have my life back on track finally aftter so many years of suffering through the pain