I think that I am feeling better. Or am I? I am so used to telling psychologists about my life, but I haven’t really listened to my own words. Could this actually be my reality? Seems like a weird and sad movie, really. I’m going to try to keep this short. EDIT: Turned out to be longer than expected…
I’ve had OCD for like forever, which probably is harder than I realize. I lost my best friend when I was 8 years old when a tsunami hit Thailand, my father has been drinking way too much for as long as I can remember, my mother has been severely depressed for ages, and has been one of the key ingredients for my depression, for she is the master of mental abuse. I’ve had an eating disorder for years, but it’s under control, I went to three funerals in 6 months, which was heartbreaking for a 13 year old girl. The funerals resaulted in severe depression in both my parents, so I had to step up and take care of them. More funerals were to come, because all the sain adults in my life kept dying on me. At one point in my life I had a schizophrenia phase, you could say, that was triggered by a death of a close teacher I had and because I didn’t sleep. I’ve had two relationships that have not been good for me, but I’m just too scared of breaking up with people and I don’t like change. I just don’t want to be in the way of people. I live in my own world where I feel bad for everyone and everyTHING. I believe that EVERYTHING has life, which makes it hard for me to get by, for even sitting on the bed makes me worried; what if the bed has feelings?? I sound crazy, but my mom raised me with guilt, so everything I do and touch must turn sad, right?
I really do try to take care of myself, but I just don’t feel safe anywhere so I can’t relax. Is life really worth all the trouble? I have lots of friends, which I am thankful for, but as soon as I’m by myself I just get to sad. I can’t cope. Horrible childhood memories haunt me, so I just try to keep busy. How can people enjoy alone time? I’ve been a sad girl for as long ad I can remember, and I was forced to be an adult as a child. I need comfort and good people around me, but there just isn’t anyone who can relate and actually picture what I’ve gone through. I am 18,5 years old today.
6 comments
Happy Birthday!!
Thanks for telling your story. At the beginning you said that it seems like it’s not real, like a movie. What if it is only a movie? This whole universe is merely a movie and we’re actors in a play. I think Shakespeare wrote that comment hundreds of years ago. “All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages.”
Thank you so much for the comment!
I just feel like this life can be such a sick and twisted game, so I am very proud of myself for not going through with my suicideplans several years ago. Nowadays I feel kind of numb, and I think it’s because I have been feeling better for a while now, and so my body is preparing for a breakdown of some sort. I feel like I need to cry but I just can’t. Maybe I’m just having a hard time embracing this period of time where the sense of hope is slooowly starting to infect me. I feel guilty for not being able to cry. Ugh, why do I have to make good things seem complicated..
I loved the quote by the way ?
Happy birthday. It sounds like you’ve had quite a bit on your plate for quite awhile now, but I also sense that you’re not done yet. I hope you can find some way to overcome your fears and find some measure of comfort in your life.
Thank you so much! You have no idea how happy it makes me hearing somebody care. I think you are right, I’m not done yet. I just don’t really know where I’m heading in life, but then again I’ve never known where life would be taking me in the past either. I just have to solve one problem after the other, and I have learned that time has a healing power. One step at a time I guess.
I know what you mean about feeling bad for everyone. I don’t feel bad for every”thing” in the same way that you do, although I do sort of believe that everything may possibly have a spirit. But… that’s what led me to veganism. It’s a cruelty free lifestyle, at least as far as the animals go. They feel the same emotions that we do, fear, pain, love, etc, and they have the same basic survival instincts that humans do. I could never live a lifestyle that would support harming others. You sound like a very sensitive person and most of us who suffer from depression are very sensitive, compassionate people and that makes life on this earth that much harder for us. I’m sorry that you’re suffering this way. I just wanted to let you know that someone understands how you’re feeling.
I appreciate your comment so very much <3
I have thought about becoming a vegan, but I just feel bad for the rest of the world, so it feels bad deciding to only focus on the animals. It's crazy, because I should be happy about how I can support the life of animals and letting them live their lives in peace. Instead, I just can't do anything. I feel there is too many things wrong in this world, the helpless feeling I get is just so overwhelming…
Thank you so much for commenting, you made my day!