Hi all,
First, thanks for reading. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so strangers on the internet seemed reasonable.
I am 37 years old. Diagnosed bipolar-II at 20. I’m not new to this. Usually I’m able to manage mood stabilization with my meds, but being a type 2, I trend toward depression.
Last year, my depression spiraled out of control. Starting in January, until it “peaked” mid-summer. My psychiatrist of ten years suggested much more aggressive treatment – I was assessed for and eventually underwent ECT (“shock treatment”). Apparently it really helped, but I have no memory for the month following the course of treatment.
For various reasons, I moved away from where I was living and came to Colorado. I’ve been here since October. My depression is back, it’s brought friends, and I’m desperately tired of fighting myself just to get by, day-to-day.
I injured my back in March. I’ve been in pretty extraordinary pain, since. I can’t afford the surgery right now, so am relegated to pain meds & gabapentin (nerve damage) until I can.
I know I’m depressed. That’s as normal to me as waking up and wanting coffee. I know the opiates are depressives. While they help me function, they’re doing nothing for my peace of mind.
Anyway, the point is this: anyone who’s lived with depression a long time knows that the thought of suicide is like a shadow that follows you everywhere. I’ve half-heartedly attempted in the past, young & stupid. I’ve done the research – I know I have on my hands right now a fatal dose of opioid narcotics. I have benzos as well, which from my reading would make an OD of opioids more effective.
I tried. I’ve had so much therapy, so many meds, I tried DBT and ECT. I’m tough, I like to think, but this is more than I can handle. I have no friends here, and feel like I’ve already put a huge burden on my family, for half my life.
I lost so much memory from the ECT that my professional skills are limited – I can’t remember casework from a year ago. I was an engineer. Now I’m unemployed.
I have this fantasy, and it’s sickly comforting, about going up in the mountains tonight with my pills and a blanket, to OD and watch the fireworks until I’m gone.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Please, I’m really finally in that place where the shadow is taking over.
13 comments
Well let me inquire the most obvious thing ever: have you tried cannabis? You’re in about the best possible place to have a little experiment…
No, I haven’t. Do you think it would help? I know a lot of people use it for anxiety.
I definitely know that shadow you speak of quite well, and I wish I could tell you how to leave it behind, but there’s a part of me that embraces it as part of my identity and fears what I’d actually become without it. That being said, I must ask if you’ve considered going down a different path in terms of your career. You may no longer have the knowledge that you had before, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be retrained. You’re obviously quite intelligent and it would be a shame to have that wasted.
One other thing to consider is that your attempt may not succeed. Strange as it may seem, most attempted suicides by overdose don’t actually succeed and they usually leave you in a worse state than when you started. I hope you find the strength not merely to live, but to thrive.
@Chevaleer: Yes, I have, actually. The thought of going back to school makes me want to hurl, but if I can live with this weird darkness everyday, school would probably be a snap.
The weird thing about ECT is that I think it actually changed my brain. Like I said, was an engineer, but lost about 8 years of memory. I’m female, tech wasn’t really the easiest place to be, in the first place. Moreover, nearing 40, even if I had the knowledge, I’m just not as desirable a candidate anymore – so absolutely, I’ve considered it.
Here’s the funny part – I have no idea what else I would do! Or, phrased differently: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
One of these days I’ll learn how to embed ASCII code into these replies so that I can adequately show a smiley face. You are where I was 4 years ago with the added kicker of constant pain. The thing that kills us a little inside each day is the memory that we have to live with that our lives were substantially better at one point and we keep trying to recapture that magical time– usually to no avail.
I am still in the process of reinventing myself after making poor choices which destroyed me financially and left me virtually unemployable in a field that I had been in for the better part of the last 15 years. Funny thing I’ve discovered, especially in the last few months with a job I was lucky enough to land, is that there is a kernel of truth to the old adage “those who can’t, teach”. Not sure if that’s necessarily a good route for you to take, but it wouldn’t hurt to explore it if you have the ability.
Given the number of engineers I’ve worked with over the years, I think I can fairly say that you have enough of a head on your shoulders that you can eventually figure out anything if pointed in the right direction. And yeah, it’s a pain in the ass having to lean on friends and family, but that’s part of the compact of love that binds us that way, so do it until you can stand on your own… and repay the kindness doubly if and when you can.
I suggest you forget about suicide for a little while, and start doing some research.
I’m almost 34 and have used it mostly regularly for ~20 years, for both therapeutic and recreational purposes, and i’ve always loved it.
There is so much to learn though, and lots of people/places might try to misinform you. All i can say is: you should totally at least try it before checking out. It might help a lot, or a little, or maybe not really much at all, depending on your particular physiology and ailments, but CO is an ideal place to be, for you, if it does turn out to be helpful.
Does it fix my problem? Hell no. It just makes life’s harsh parts easier to cope with, and can significantly reduce many kinds of pain.
I don’t want to get into my whole story, but i had my first neck nerve injury at 14, and have had several since, and it’s one of the few things that reduces the anxiety that accumulates in me when i feel like i’m struggling to maintain control, or the frustration from fine-motor-control issues. I have neck, back, shoulder problems… i’ve been depressed for half my life… weed is one of the reasons i still want to live. And these days, you don’t even have to “smoke” it. If you don’t like the idea of combustion particulates, you can vaporize it. If you don’t like the idea of easily controlled dosage through inhalants, you can even eat it, but it takes longer to kick in, and tends to be too strong for some people that way.
Anyway… if you’re hurting, considering suicide, haven’t tried it ever, are of age, and are in the right place… it’s probably the best thing i can recommend that exists outside of yourself.
I smoked a couple of times in college, and maybe 3 times since. I really don’t have any issue with the delivery system, and certainly am willing to try. I’ve thought about it.
I’m actually glad to know you, in this respect – most people who use it regularly seem to fall into 2 categories – quiet and unassuming or “POT IS MY PERSONALITY”. I know that there are many strains, but I don’t feel like I want to just roll into the dispensary and lay out my medical history. Can you point me to any resources about the different strains? I’m sure they have different qualities, right?
I’m actually not sure which resources to point to, not sure if i’m comfortable “endorsing” anyone in particular…
Lemme do some internet. (“how to direct the curious toward appropriate medicinal cannabis resources” is not something i’ve actually researched; i always sort of figured that if people were interested, they’d figure out where to find the info they wanted…)
I will say this though: sativas tend to be regarded as typically “cerebral” or “heady,” whereas indicas tend to be regarded as typically “physical” or “body,” and are thought to be the main source of that “couch lock” feeling (i’m not sure whether that’s actually accurate, but that’s how it seems…).
It would be easy for me to suggest you to check out the most obvious resource: High Times (they’ve been involved with cannabis in various ways for 40 years…), and Cannabis Culture… there’s also skunkmag, and probably too many others to list. There’s also “the cannabist,” and… well, you get the idea. They’re not “just magazines” either.
There’s also icmag (international cannagraphic), grasscity (which apparently focuses primarily on the med side of things, but is also a “headshop”), ummm… rollitup(dot)org… (although that one… i’d save it for later in your quest).
OH! just remembered “Leafly” and “seedfinder(dot)eu,” both of which are all about ambitiously cataloging as many different types and strains and even lineage of as much as possible. If you just want to go straight to strain research, those might be ideal. The first one is prettier, but the second one seems pretty great too.
And if you have any questions or want to discuss anything, feel free to check the dashboard and retrieve my email from beside any of the comments i’ve left in your thread here. 🙂
And sincerely, thank you both. It’s a weight off of me to be able to talk about it at all.
::: hugs :::
That’s what we’re here for… as an engineer, you should remember the basic principles behind sharing loads until one can handle it on its own… 😉
Well you made it a lot longer than me. If I make it to 25 Ill be lucky. I’m 24 and I’m in a nightmare. Prison if I kill myself Prison if I don’t, but not forever? Im pretty certain that there is an afterlife which kinda sucks cause sleeping forever would be nice wouldn’t it? I’ve taken the bitter pill though.
What a wonderful thread. I can empathize with little effort. I, too, have always struggled with depression. I’m 25 and am an RN. About 3 years ago I was doing well. I was actually bodybuilding! Very well. I couldn’t believe that through my terrible chronically depressed childhood. I had somehow managed to become a nurse and lift, not just lift but I was gettig ready to compete. Fast forward three years, and I feel like I’m exactly where I was at 18. Depressed. I take care of my mom and my brother. I tread water financially and work my ass off. I sleep on a couch. Ha, that’s where I am right now.
Enough about me though. I’m posting because I highly, highly suggest you try marijuana. It has done absolute wonders for me. (And before you think it, no I have never gone to work under the influence.) It may seem overwhelming at first. (One usually just falls asleep). However, I found this to be better than any of the pharmacological or alternative techniques I have tried. It is safer than Tylenol too! Don’t let an overwhelming first experience make you stray from treating yourself with “weed.” Once regularly used the high becomes significantly less intense, however still very effective at combating anxiety and depression. Also, if like myself you have difficulty sleeping because of your ailing mind it is a wonderful solution.
Marijuana has not been research proven to help depression / Bi-polar …. Just makes you not care about it. If it might help your pain . . . Talk it a physician about it.