Hi, first time here. English is not my native tongue, so sorry for eventual grammar errors.
I’m just sick of everything. And this is not that old, teenage “everythnig sucks, I’m going to kill myself”. No. I’m goddamned 30 years old and everything sucks and If I could, I would kill myself. But I can’t, It’s just my body reflex to not kill myself even if I really wanted it to. And actually, I don’t want to kill myself but I really don’t see any other option for me. Either that or to feel like shit for decades to come.
So, I’m 30 years old, male, living with my parents (in my country that’s standard unfortunately), jobless. I’m single, no real friends. No one is happy when I enter the room, any communication/interaction that I have with people is initiated always by me. For example, if I don’t post anything on facebook, don’t message anyone, no one would write first to even see if I’m alive. My phone messages are mostly network spam or google calendar stuff. When I do talk to people I do it pretty openly and fair but I always have this feeling that they would rather do anything else than talk to me, be it in person or internet. And they somehow always expect me to hold the conversation, if not, well fuck you buddy. I know a bunch of people, some longer, some not so long and neither of them don’t give a shit about me. They don’t want me in their lives, except when they need something from me or they are obliged to call me on some events like birthdays and such.
No one gives a fuck about me and everybody that I like are there only if I initiate contact first and I’m just sick and tired of that shit. No one writes, no one calls, no one cares. Most of my days I’m just sitting in my room, asking myself if I call someone, what excuse will they think of not to hang out with me. What will be more important than me? Or if I write on FB, how soon will that “seen” appear and there will be no answer.
I don’t meet new people that often and when I do it’s either that they’re idiots or they forget about me soon. But I’m talkative, don’t judge and I even look decent. I’m decisive and pretty decent listener and can talk about anything. Most of the time I’m pretty funny and jolly even. There’s nothing too sad to not be turned into laugh to ease off the pain of reality a bit. You know, all the traits of normal communication.
And I’m very, very tired of trying and giving a shit when I don’t get anything in return. For some reason that I can’t just put my finger on – it sucks to be me, it sucks to be with me. When they have to, I get this sense that poeple just tolerate me, they don’t enjoy being in my company. When I try to talk with someone about this, the response is usually and ironically – “Well, I don’t know what to say man… go, get a life, do something with yourself… don’t be so negative, why such a pessimist, etc”.
I’m too old for this shit and yet – here it is. I don’t ask here for some ultimate answer, I just had to get this off my chest, but it won’t probably mean anything anyway. I’m in a problem for a long time, and a problem that I still don’t quite understand and so I can’t solve it or even try to solve it because I don’t know where to begin. Yes, socio-economic things in my country are a bit shit, but you know, where aren’t in some way. There are bunch of people here, getting along, having fun and then there is me.
Shit.
5 comments
I love how you ended the post.
I’m sorry that people are shitty and I’m sorry that you get this undeserved lack of attention. The people you know, just let them fall off the map. They don’t care about you so fuck them. There is always someone else to take their place. Unfortunately, finding good friends is like finding love– it happens when you’re not looking for it.everyone else is just in the way. I don’t think they’d give a shit if you stopped talking to them so I think another measure must be taken. I say, call out every last pretending mofo in your life and tell them how shitty they are at putting up the facade of being interested in you. Let them know that they are just as worthless to you as you are to them and dump em. Being alone is sucky but you can be lonely in a group of people too. Better to be alone and know where you stand than to constantly want the approval of the shifty human beings around you. You don’t need them.
Hi Tjikeyi
I feel your pain, I really feel like none of my ‘friends’ give one shit about me, and all the time I have to contact them. You said it, it’s very very tiring. This may sound weird, but I’d love to be your friend 🙂 I read your post and you sound like a very interesting and fun person to me.
Great comment. The world seems to need simplification. Maybe we need to divide the world into 2 kinds of people: those who are positive like the battery…theyn lift people up. They expand, they produce, they love, they make things better, they act. Then there is the opposite. the negative people. They bring everything down. Most dont even know it. Every comment is a complaint. They drain people of energy. The destroy. Even if its simply with a can of grafitti or a dirty look. These are the destroyers of the world. They talk….they dont act. And when they act,it is only for their benefit. Maybe we need to train people to ask themselves when they come home every night………”Was I positive or negative today? Did I hurt somebody or somebodys feelings or bring someone up and make them feel good. You did one or the other without knowing it in most cases. Which one are you!!!? I think we need an awareness about this that I see missing in so many adults, and in tragically almost all inner city kids. The ones who shine though…..really shine. Like angels. There is a numbness to even understand what Im talking about that is like cancer and thick mud, slowly covering everything. The meditators, the ones who smile, the volunteers, the ones who care, do not seem in America to be winning this battle. And in your country?
I’m exactly in your position. I’m 20/21. I literally have no friends at all. Well, only one or two but they rarely communicate with me because they have their own friends :'(. I feel like dying. I’m jobless living with my parents. I want to go to university but interviews is the reason why I get rejected all the time. I can’t handle interviews as I got social anxiety. It got even worse when I left school 3 years ago – isolated in my room. I wish I was confident and speak clearly without messing up my words. I got an interview this week for the course… Don’t know how it will go. … third time applying to university. I hate myself. I hate life.
Hi, I have the same problems, just like you jobless, living with parents, I’m 23. No communication with friends unless i initiate them or if they want any help from me. There won’t be even a wish on FB for my birthday, but it is wrong if I don’t wish them personally. No one cares about me, even my parents, as long as I do the work they want, we will be a happy family. If I don’t do the work my mom won’t even talk to me, can you believe that? On the other hand my dad talk poorly of my character to others. My relatives, they shatter my self -confidence literally every time.
To avoid the feeling of loneliness, I gave up socializing at all. I found happiness in being alone. I literally live only in my head.
But at sometimes that loneliness demon would rise in its full glory and make it hard for me even to breathe. I ‘m having a lot of suicidal thoughts recently but I would never try to kill myself cause it IS wrong.
The only thing I do to keep mind of negative thinking I read books, a lot. But books are considered waste of time by my family. everyone including my sister would belittle me for being fat, while I don’t care about it much.
Answer to all these problems is proving we are a lot happier without those people and to our-self. Try to be always busy, you don’t need others to make yourself happy. Maintain a journal of your daily activities, write about all your feelings be it hate or love, stupid stuffs you did or others. After a few months read your journal whenever you feel lonely. That’s what I do. Be Happy with yourself, always.