I can’t take this hospital. I’ve tried to hold it together, I’ve tried to be strong, for you guys and for my sister, but I don’t know if I can anymore. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve had a complete 180 turn since I was admitted 2 days ago. I feel like there isn’t hope anymore. I just can’t live with my past… it’s too horrible. The only reason why I’m wondering if I shouldn’t is because I don’t know how my sister would react. I think she’d blame herself, and I don’t want that. I just want her to be happy now. I just want her to know that I forgive her.
I really don’t know how much longer I can take this… I’m in so much pain and I’ve seen so many horrible things that I feel like it’ll never get any better. My reason tells me it will work out fine, but the other 99% of my mind tells me that it won’t.
The only problem is trying to find a way to kill myself in a fucking hospital. I’ve never realized how safe it is here until I try to think of ways to off myself… I just don’t want to be stuck in a hospital for the rest of the month.
But fuck it, it’ll all end one way or another.
Music quote of the day: “When I’m lying in my bed I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me.” – The Smiths, “Nowhere Fast”
13 comments
Sorry, are we talking about a regular hospital, or the psych hospital? If it’s psych, you’re really lucky you have internet access. THAT’S what drove me crazy in the hospital.
Yea it’s a normal hospital. They haven’t sent me to a psych hospital yet… I’m hoping they won’t have to, but they probably will… The internet’s slow as shit though. Takes several minutes to load up this site.
If you live in the united states and its your first attempt they probably wont send you to one, they don’t care about mental health much here…whether thats good or bad I guess depends on you. That aside I am glad you’re alive, I think you should talk to your sister about it and let her know you forgive her
Thank god, I just want to be left alone… I just realized how ironic that is, haha. A week ago all I wanted was for someone to help, now I just want them to stop. Not directed at you guys though, because I swear this site is one of the only things keeping me alive for now besides my sister. I just want to go home already. I want to go and have everything be over so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Yea, I’m going to talk with my sister a lot tomorrow… To be honest I’m hoping tomorrow is my last day on Earth, but I highly doubt that because I still haven’t found a good method to kill myself in this hellhole.
please try to hold on, you seem like a really kind person. I am sorry about your past. I dont know what i would do without SP
Thanks a lot Spectral. It’s getting really tough to hold on, but it’s possible I guess if I’m still here. Don’t worry about my past, that’s why they call it the past: it’s behind me. Even though I can’t ever forget it or ignore it, I can move on. Just not now. And yea, SP is pretty much becoming more and more essential to my life now, ha.
your first post when you first joined made me really sad btw
I’m glad I checked more than the first page and caught this Lucy. smh. I’m just about to hit the hay up here but just wanted to say that I believe in you! stay strong not only for your sister but for us and most importantly yourself. Hey, if i could take 7 total months in hospital you can handle a few days I’m absolutely convinced. it’s your mind playing tricks on you. take control one thought at a time and if you can’t distract yourself keep coming here! someone’s always around. there’s also a crisis chat not directly affiliated with this site however many people who come here frequent it. it’s on ****** and the room is called crisis chat. someone else post the link or Lucy just make a new post asking for the link to the room. Most people are cool there and it’s a great distraction which you really need right now. as far as I’m concerned you’re family now so keep on going! keep reaching out u don’t have to do this alone anymore (: *hug
Don’t worry, I’m gonna stay here as long as I can… but however long that may be, I cannot say. But I’ll stay until all hope has faded and I can no longer live. But for now… I guess I’m gonna try my best to stay strong for everyone. And trust me, I’m not doing this for my own sake, haha. If I was only doing it for myself I wouldn’t be on this planet anymore. I found the link to the chat by the way, it may come in handy sometime.
I’m trying to find words that mean more than a simple “thank you”, but I’ve come up empty, so I guess a simple “thank you” will suffice.
Lucy
You need to try to chill for a little while. Can’t it at least wait until you’re out of the hospital? Christ, girl. Just the other day you spoke (typed) with something that resembled hope. Now you’re trying to find the best hospital-available tool to off yourself with? C’mon. I hope that’s more of a reassurance thing for some peace of mind, knowing you have the option, rather than a direct craving to immediately end your life.
You said in a comment that you think about what it would be like to have a “normal” life and family, and to not have constant depression. As you also said, the past is the past. It’ll haunt you, but you can move past it. You’re rapidly approaching a time in life when you can be individual, self-sustainable. So don’t you think you can try and leave the past in its place, and start to move towards the life you want? Just maybe. Of course, I understand if it just seems like too much…. or not enough.
Yea, I just feel like everything’s happening so fast and I can’t keep up… Like I keep saying though, I’ll hold out for as long as I can. And yea, I suppose it’s just nice to know that if it comes to that… I can be ready. I mean, you know how depression works though… even if things are looking up, I don’t feel any better. I just feel like my same shitty self. I think people are getting the wrong idea and thinking that I’m one of the most stong-willed people around. I’m not. I’m just like everyone else. It just feels like everything in my life has just been stacked upon my shoulders and I’ve kept my head down and tried to move through it, but I just feel like I’ve hit my limit.
Well, I can definitely sympathize with your first sentence, there. I’ve somewhat recently been thrown into an overwhelming pile of responsibility that I don’t feel ready for or comfortable with. Adulthood is terrifying and…heavy. I’m struggling to keep up. But hey, that’s how life and society works. Not much you can do. I’m not quite at my limit yet, but I’m afraid I might get there someday.
Nah, I don’t think people are getting that idea, not exactly anyways. You say you’re just like everyone else. I think that’s exactly why people here are impressed and proud when you and others like you get through things like this. Because you don’t have superhuman abilities. You’re just like the rest of us, struggling.
Also I have to ask…when you say “my same shitty self”, why do you feel like that? What makes you think you’re such a shitty person? If that’s too personal of a question don’t worry about it. I hope your past doesn’t fit in too heavily with how you feel about yourself, though. Things out of your control like that, they mean nothing. Not as far as defining worth goes, anyways.
Huh, I guess I never thought of it like that… I never realized that people were praising me for being normal. That’s changed my view a lot. And I suppose when I said “my same shitty self” I didn’t actually mean to call myself shitty, I meant more of “my same shitty life”. I’ve never really thought of myself as “shitty”, just more of “depressed” and “traumatized” (which are pretty much true).