I’m a basic white girl who cuts herself. Or rather, I did. Ever since I got put on zoloft in January after my parents found out I sh’d, my life has steadily improved and I have strengthened my relationships with friends and even my family. I no longer wallow in my own sadness or make suicide plans.
I miss it. I miss being depressed so much. I don’t know why; I never got any special attention while I was down in the dumps and I barely had any friends. I consider myself happiest when I’m unhappy. It’s stupid and ridiculous and feels selfish. But I just love being sad. Am I romanticizing mental illnesses? I have no clue what’s wrong with me but I haven’t taken my medicine in 5 days and just yesterday I was driving past a bridge and seriously considered pulling over and jumping off, and it was satisfying to have those thoughts back. I just cut for the first time in like 2 months.
I’m so messed up and I know it’s wrong to be sad but I don’t care.
2 comments
Don’t let yourself fall back in, trust me. You’re only remembering the parts of your depression that were comforting. You don’t remember how horrible it is to wake up in the morning wishing with all your strength that you had just stayed asleep forever.
We all want to always feel something, I guess. It’s a common misconception of people who are not like us to think we get an overload of attention when in truth the seclusion and withdrawal we go through makes it so we have no special attention. I got put on Zoloft too and I decided that’s about the stupidest thing to do to helps depression. It won’t take my problems away, and makes any happiness feel fake. I experienced wanting all my depression back. Now that I secretly don’t take my meds, if I find happiness, I feel like I can enjoy it. And I’m not constantly hungry for that feeling of depression. You’re actually very smart for recognizing all of these things. Nothing messed up about you. I slip sometimes and cut. My surroundings appear to get pissed a lot of the times. One of those attention things, you know. But disregard it. Do what you think can make you better and keep you strong. Good luck!!!!!