It’s my first time here, I want to say that English is not my first language so I’m sorry if I make mistakes.
I’m 20 and I’ve been suicidal since I was 9, I’ve tried it a few times when I was younger and didn’t succeed but luckily no one even noticed. I’ve regularly made cuts in my legs since I was 12, my family and friends have seen the scars and even asked about them but none of them seems to actually care about it.
Last year I started talking with who is my best friend now, she’s suicidal too. We support each other and we went through many tough situations last year. While we were on holidays this january she confessed she had almost tried killing herself a week before going on holiday. I made her promise me she would never leave me and that she would call me before doing anything like that.
The thing is a week after coming back she sent me a text message saying she had made a huge mistake, I went to her house and found her all dizzy and she told me she had taken a bunch of pills. I took her to the hospital and had to call her dad to let him know about what had happened. A week later she was interned in a psychiatric institution, she spent there 20 f***ing days, I went to see her almost everyday, it was awful, she was absolutly destroyed, I was going insane.
Everything seems to be better now, she’s under treatment and she’s feeling better, the thing is that even when I’m feeling better (I’m seeing a psicologist now wich is helpful) I still have suicidal thoughts, and now I can’t talk about that with my friend because that would be bad for her. I feel she doesn’t need me anymore, I know she can live without me, I think it would be better for her and my other friends and family not having me around.
I’m in med school so I know how to effectively kill myself but it’s not death what I fear, it’s to be forgotten what stops me from doing it. I don’t want to be forgotten, I want them to love me as much as I love them, but I know I’m not relevant at all to them.
Thanks for reading, it’s a bit too long. I’ll be fine, I just needed to take that out of my chest.
3 comments
Youve been a god frend to your firend. Lots of pepople who are depressed and suicidal have noody to talk to or to help. I believe you can both get better and move on to live a long happy life.
Thank you, I’ve made a hard desicion but now I think I should wait a little more. I hope eventually everything will be alright
Perfect,
In the USA, people like yourself are called “cutters.’ In fact many psychologists and counselors have a lot of experience with them. It is not uncommon as some think. But we on this board I think are out of our league to help you with that just with this board. Maybe forget your friends and family if they cant help you or you wont let them or tell them. Go to any licensed psychologist or social worker and they often can help. You may need to talk to 2 or 3 before you find the one you really gel with. Maybe tell your medical or family doctor. He will refer you to someone. Maybe a doc who can prescribe you medication temporarilly that will make you stop self-harming as we call it just with one pill a day.Nothing too strong. There are many things to try. Also in the usa they have suicide hotlines and if you call one of those and say you are cutting yourself they will get you some help. That should be a priority for them. Im sure you live in a 1st world country, yes? So use the resources around you. There may be so many more than you think. Please let me know what you do. Call someone as soon as you read this, please. Tomorrow is always one day too late. -) I will root for you. Keep me posted. My theory is people who harm themselves have so much emotion and so much energy to release, its juts a sign that its coming out the wrong way. It may be very simple in the right persons hands to fix this problem. It will usually get worse if you dont seek help. Besides, seeking help is cool. It will allow you to seek help faster the next time you get in trouble. Dont be nervous, just do it.
peace,
Marc in Florida