My pervy , abused , drink and drugged life leading to my suicide attempts.

NoSelfRespect

Well my first memories where of nursery school my babysitter use to take us.I was a boy with big teeth and a speech impedement.Couldnt prounounce my S,s without slabbering or spitting.Ofcos this cosed me ridicule teasing by all the other kids buckiohare , buckteeth and rabbit noises so forth.My parents worked a lot rarely got to see them always out doing my own thing or at babysitters which I did love but way too much freedom to do as I wished.Wed watch horror movies Freedie Kruger , Excorsist all the stuff I really shouldnt have.

Growing up my two older sisters also teased and ridiculed me scaring me tormenting me hurting me you name it.They even locked me in the cupboard under the stairs for hours on end in the dark sitting crying for ages all alone.I remmember laying at bed at nights to scared to sleep that my dad would come in and shout at me apparently me laying in bed moving around would be to loud sometimes.He was very aggresive made a scary face and threatened me as his punishment which I absolutly feared at the time.I use to lay in bed staring at the wall some nights I could see images appearing moving like something was alive in the wall ofcos made me even more scared.Rarely a peacefull night sleep ever in my life.Id hear my own voice in my head talking to me telling me things always assumed it was my thoughts but it was a voice now i realise.

I didnt sleep every night some nights i just layed awake watching the things on the wall.I had vivid nightmares and dreams which I would remmeber cleary when I awakened.Lifetimes I had lived the pain I felt the loss the suffering every emotion was so real to me. Waking up crying for dreams the losses I lost the emotions I felt all so real to me.I was a bit of a loner outcasted becos of my speech teased on so I just escaped into fantasy play worlds.Some worlds good and some pretty sick filled with horrors I had dreamed of.Playing in imaginary worlds that felt so real to me at times.

Next memories was when I was about six or seven two girls lived down the road and I started hanging out with them sometimes.Wed go play in there room and oneday they wanted to play house with me I was fine with that thinking of house and playing.Well it wasnt just house they told me to take of my pants and started touching me rubbing my penis laughing.I was a little scared and nervous but at the sametime I kinda enjoyed it.Asking them what we were doing and they said it was mummy and daddy game.This continued for a couple years or so getting more involved.Rubbing them aswell , licking , rubbing up against them like we were having sex but obviously couldnt at that age I did cum tho and liked it.

All this time I still got bullied and beat up from other kids older kids mostly everyone really but I had those two who I think I luved at the time.Well they ended up moving away not sure if it was cos there mum and dad got suspiscious of what was going on I dont know.Back to my fantasy worlds escaping all the cruel people in the world.About 8ish a time when an older boy got me and a girl to play doctor with him touching us both and we touched him.Made me really uncomfortable but the girl was there so thought why not.Remmeber a time about 9ish an older boy pinned me down under his weights and left me there for hours I couldnt lift them off me I was too weak and skinny just had to lay there and take it.

I watched hundreds of progammes filled with horror , sex and manga which I luved but made my own thoughts so weird.I tried fitting in with the kids who bullied me by doing stupid things.Jumping off high walls , falling face first into the ground , eating bugs , cutting , burning myself , making myself pass out just loads of stupid things.This earned me the nickname mongo which I kinda like was better than buckteeth or something like that.I never realy did fit in but I tried I wanted to but in the end they just made fun of me.
Speech therapy and braces I had at primary school obviously I got teased , torment , singled out so on.There was one nerdy girl tho that hung out with me shed asked to see my penis and show me hers somedays.Not all we did tho she enjoyed my imagination wed go of into the fields exploring making up stuff to play etc.Finally got my speech problem fixed and braces were removed so noone could call me buckteeth or slag my speech off anymore.

Joined the football team in primary school I was a huge fan of football but my Dad luved it so I wanted to do it to try impress him.It kinda worked he made it to some games showed a Little interest but not once did he tell me he was proud of me not once to this day.No words of wisdom , no teachings , no talks about anything really.Only time my dad talked to me about anything when when i got in trouble , done something wrong or lectured me.To this day its the same hes never wrong even when I know he is he gets angry aswell when he drinks once a week.Aways get in trouble for being to loud or showing any emotion was wrong , had to supress my feelings never learning to deal with them.I kinda hate but love him at the sametime dad issues I got plenty.All these years I still had vivid dreams heard things and saw my wall moving not once have I talked about it or told anyone still goes onto this day aswell.

I was always a soft gentle boy never spoke out always done as i was asked never wanted to hurt anyone.Couldnt raise my fists to defend myself only to try help others ever , tho it scared me to do so id jump in helping friends who were getting bullied or hit.Never wanted people to feel pain like I did , I treated people gently and with kindess.Some people said I was a bit of a wimp but I didnt care really , well I did a little but still wanted to be nice.Was always nice to people still am but had my dark side to that I kepted inside.

Never had an aim or point to my life no goals thoughts of what I was going to do with my life.Always just plugging along with what people told me to do and escaping into my fantasies when I had the chance.Life was pointless to me a mere exsitence of pain and suffering only ever doubting myself.Any ideas I had was always laughed at or just shrugged aside by my dad.Never having any confidence for myself always doubting myself.

Well highshool came I shot up in height and girth the teasing stopped for a little while.Some girls started hanging around with me theyd wanna play truth and dare or just blantently ask to see my penis.Id go ahead show them let them touch it if theyd like , they even rode me around like a horse.Letting girls use me in any they wanted no self respect for myself made me feel cheap.In classes sitting next to this hot girl I had always liked .I always liked her we talked had a laugh but I was always to shy and intimadeted to make a move for some reason felt I was ineadequet for her.Even tho I was happy enuff to get my penis out and show any girl that asked I just couldnt work up the courage to do anything with her.Everytime I thought about her I know she woulda enjoyed being with me we had so much fun but not once did I work up the courage major regret.Any girl that asked me id go out with them do as they wanted with me why could I never go for the one I really wanted.

I started drinking when I was about 12/13 cant really remmeber just that some older boys that bullied me wanted me to try buy them drink out a shop.Yes I was that big and older looking then maybe like16/17.It actually worked aswell they sold me drink in a shop well the older boys luved it and started feeding me with free drink.Getting me pretty drunk every weekend with them wasnt cos they liked me just to get me to buy it and do stupid things when I was drunk.They also introduced me to weed which I started smoking at the sametime just about and popping eccies.

Sametime around this time we had moved to a different house in the same village two girls lived out the back one bout same age as me one maybe a little younger.I showed them my penis onetime and they showed me there boobs playing witch each other some.I continued flashing the both of them for a while they seemed to enjoy it and flash back to me was a bit of fun I thought at the time not realising how pervy it all had been and really was.

About 15 or so I had stomach pains that just got worse and worse over the week ofcos my Dad didnt believe me thought I was just trying to get off school.Untill after six days of agony I couldnt even walk really crouched over moving so slow in so much pain they rushed me into the hospital.I was turning yellow my appendix had actually burst inside of me nearly killing me if I went in one day later it would have killed me the doctor told us.I thought to myself at the time maybe it should have I was meant to die then.

As i got older It just got worse drinking more smoking more doing more stupid stuff untill I got drunk and stole my Dads car for a joyride.Well I crashed it doing 120mph doing the motorway going to a park.Spinning round and round until it flew off into a ditch smashing into a tree.Was I scared as it happened no I was laughing smilling thinking this is the end.Woke up must have been a few mins later in the car smashing the side window climbing out realising what had happened shit a brick.

Was my first suicide attempt walked into a shop and grabbed about a 150 painkillers and simply just walked out again.Walking down to the river until I reached the river using the water in the river to guzzle down all the painkillers.Waiting to die under the bridge I ended up shitting out it and getting myself to a payfone.Calling an ambulance where I spent the weekend in hospital psyc ward.Talking to the pscy nurse getting diagnosed with depression given anti depressents.

I went clubbing at 15/16 to pubs where I wanted to really done whatever I like drinking eccies weed all kinds of drugs.I realised by that time that my Dads scary face and threats where nothing.I could do anything I pleased Id dissapear for weekends taking all kinda of drugs loadsa ectasy and loadsa drink.Started having blackouts waking in places I had no idea my pants wet from pissing myself.Even got nakked at a party once and just sat on the couch like nothing was up people told me.Cosing myself so much humilation pain and becoming the ridicucule again.Which just made me drink more do more stupid stuff.Id Always get angry with my dad aswell shouting , swearing , threating him everytime he challenged my drink.Just like he did to me when I was young but never once could bring myself to hit him but he was a walk over tho.

I got an apprentice as a mechanic and well drink destroyed that aswell.Got arrested in england at college after a year of doing it.Went out celebrating like a fool got so pissed I passed out and when someone got an ambulance for me I ressisted them apparently and it took five police officers to drag me off into the van apperently.Charged ressisting arrest breach of peace the work had no choice but to fire me even tho I was doing so well.Ud think id stop but no I drank more and more popping all kinds of pills even solpadol sometimes which I stole from my sister .Even tried overdosing again 200pills but na just lived thro the pain of it sadly.

Well worse thing happened next about the age of 18 I met these two girls who lived in the village never saw them before never knew who they were.We talked we laughed I kissed one of them then we played around a little.They told me they were 16 nearly 17 I had no reason not to believe them.So when they asked to see my penis I showed them they played with it a little and then they went in the house.This happened next time I saw them aswell and even one night out there window showing me there boobs id pull out my penis.

One night i was really drunk dont really remmeber it well but I was masterbating outside her window for her and the police arrived.Her mum had saw me and called them getting me lifted I tried to flee but he was just to fast catching me and dragging me back to the car in cuffs.When we got near to the back window of the car I put my head thro it laughing at them cursing so forth stupid thing to do.Well I had my interview I told them I had flashed her and I spent the night in the cells.

Next day in court the story was revealed apparently she said she didnt know me I was just some strange guy that had thrown stones at her windows and masterbated turned out they were only 13 aswell.I told my lawyer what had happened before but he said if the girls come to court and just keep to there lie cry and deny what I said , then the judge would throw the book at me worse punishment ever but if I just plead guilty it would be lesser.So I did thinking it was the best way to go at the time but I think now I shoulda took my chances and spoke out least I woulda had my chance to say my side , another regret of my life that haunts me.

Being branded a pedo by all my friends people that didnt know me all cos girls didnt tell me there real age , if they did I woulda walked away right then and there.The whole situation I got myself involved with wouldnt of even started if I knew there real age.I like girls around my age even older but definatly not underage.Loved taking care of my nephews and niece growing up taking them to the park , babysitting , teaching them, telling stories , cooking dinner, playing , cleaning the house was all great but now i could have no future job involving kids which sadened me it could have been an option in my future but blown away.Tho I did still commit the crime at the time in my head thought it was just fun between two people how wrong I was and disgusted at myself.

Now it comes out in the paper my girlfriend at the time is banned from seing me my friends desert me or atleast so called friends.My girlfriend called me one night some guy was bullying her trying to hit her she was drunk and got viloent sometimes when she was so I knew was maybe her but I went down anyways to protect her I brought her home to my bit warning off the boys .Later on ten guys his big brothers and friends my so called ex friends came up to the house.I went out to face them not gonna hide behind my mum and they attacked me whilst my girlfriend was standing infront of me , pushing her out the way I took a beating not a bad one ive had worse but still.They gave up eventually seing I wouldnt and walked away but one who turned round and punched my GF knocking her out.

Pure rage took over running in the house grabbing two knifes I was gonna kill him stab him many times but my mum stopped me calmed me down.I know if she wasnt there at that time I would have done it and to this day I still think about killing that guy how id do it so on.Ended up moving away getting a job in the hotel there drinking loads plenty eccies but still holding a job as I always done.Took an overdose of 200painkillers and 200 or so anti depressents with a bottle of vodka didnt work was just vilioantly sick and passed out.Woke up in so much pain was horrible.

One night these three guys attacked me slashing my face fended em off but still gushing blood.Next time pure steaming fighting with girlfriend shes hitting punching kicking I grabbed her by the hair dragging her throwing her out.I felt so bad and guilty I tried to cut my fingers off.Woke up in hospital arm in a sling and elastic bands thro my fingers nails which I had to tug on to excersise the pain the disgust was so hard.

My hand had many operations but never recovered just sitting in my room regretting hating all of my life I stabbed myself my dad saw the blood and took me to hospital.Another attempt of my life that failed got into hospitall for about seven months or so giving morphine.A cholestimy bag , cathatar for years after so sitting in my room doing nothing but falling into a deeper depression , my mind messing with me as always , filled with so much regret , perversion , hatred , fear , my dreams getting more and more perveted and horrifying.A lot about zombies and being eaten alive think its one of my worst yet fave nightmares.Aways feel so good with lotsa uncrontrolable pain which leads to my demise.

After the hospital I was majorly addicted to painkillers cocodamol mostly but if I couldnt get them anything would do.Started off slowly but grew and grew and grew more id take evertime 8-32 a day easy.Do I know its killing me yes I do , do I care no I dont , it would end all the torments in my mind.I did stop drinking for years tho managed to stop , tho found myself back in my little fantasy world I created as a kid, free from having to work free from having friends just in my mum and dads house free of anything except pain.Seing forests when I close my eyes hearing all sorts of noises just spacing in my room trying to forget everything that has happened.Finally all my stomach attachements got reversed and I was meant to be cured.

Well I was still addicted to painkillers still crazy as ever still so godamn depressed no wonder when all I can think about is all the horrible things ive done and thats happened to me.Last Xmas I had enuff I took three bottles of my mums whiskey she had stocked up and hid away , in my room with about 300 painkillers I had saved up.Sick of life I drank them all popping painkillers suprise suprise I didnt die only layed in bed throwing up sweating it out , missed Xmas I was suffering in my room for three days afterwards.This all started me drinking again being made to go to a work programme cos im meant to be ready work funny , tho I did attempt it I tend to do what people ask even if its hard.I throw up after meals stomach so wasted.

Dont get me wrong where good times in life aswell but who ever dwells on the good times in life. The fears , the regrets , the anger , the hatred , the pain , the cowardice only depressed people seem to dwell on the bad times and thats what tortures my mind.Would be so many more times but cant write all the bad down would take too long just the most vivid.Having trouble with urination and bowel movements they just come on with no warning wetting the bed and urgency issues.My memoreries getting worse forgetting things time and time again.My heads wasted so messed up and depressed can never seem to shake it.I should be dead so many times and I deserve to be dead yet I live on why.