Okay so here it goes…
So, I’m Angel and I absolutely hate my life..
My entire life, my parents would get into huge fights and let’s just say a lot of cops knew my name and where I lived. My older sister would always scream at me and punch me and just constantly make my life miserable, and even today (she’s 18 and has a baby) she continues to do just that. In fact it has probably gotten worse.
Even though I am the youngest, I am ANYTHING but spoiled. I have to clean the house everyday while my sister goes shopping or screams at me or lies to my dad about something I supposedly did.
I’ve been thinking about committing suicide since I was probably 8.
My two older sisters got pregnant at young ages and ruined their lives. (Not saying that getting pregnant ruins your lives, but if you have no plans and you break up with your baby daddy every two days and you work part time at Walmart AND you still live with your parents with no thought of moving out, you probably don’t have a good stable life) and my dad always tells me that I’m going to turn out just like them.
I literally sit in my room and read and listen to music and eat. The simple thought of sex makes me all awkward ><
I just got back from SeaWorld yesterday. That was probably the highlight of my life seeing that I want to be a marine biologist. And I went with my life long friend. To keep this more private her name will be Kailey
Kailey, I met in kindergarten and we instantly were friends. I went to a special eds class from the second part of kindergarten through third grade simply because my mom was deaf and they thought I didn’t know what I needed too. Our friendship held strong though.
Oh and then the ‘WONDERFUL’ teenage years came. Oh and they struck hard. I was/am an awkward shy nobody who wore/wears oversized hoodies and tries to stay out of attention. Then I met this one guy, the one I swore I was in love with, and his fake name shall be Bob. Me and Kailey started drifting apart.
Bob made my life worth living. He was/is that sweet and adorable skater until he started asking for pictures and sex. And when I didn’t give him what he wanted he started hanging around other girls. Yeah needless to say we broke up. (Just a little fact, he swears he changed and I’m probably gonna fall for it. Someone slap me)
I met this girl whose name shall be Taylor and she was/is a major daredevil. she’ll do anything. She and I became best friends because opposites attract, right? She blamed me for my breakup and said it was my job to give a guy what he wanted and I snitched to her boyfriend that she cheated on him. We hate each other.
So this is really mixed up and not in order.
Meeting Kailey-first
Meeting Taylor-second
Dating Bob-third
Taylor hating me-forth
My breakup is the time I started cutting. My wrist, hips, and both the inside and outside of my thighs are scarred.
Okay SeaWorld.
Had the time of my life. Best day ever.
When we came back (AKA yesterday) Kailey stayed the night at my house. She started ignoring me and bitching and just being straight up rude. All she would do is text her boyfriend and when I suggested we do something she’d yell at me and complain. Today I told her to pack up her stuff cause I couldn’t deal with it. She stole my clothes and everything she gave me she claimed I stole and took them. She told my mom that I was being rude and the whole way back to my house my mom yelled at me saying that Kailey was better than me.
Which leads me to now.
Between my parents constant yelling and me now having no friends, I dont even want to try to continue. I’ve tried calling suicide hotlines but they all have the busy tones. I dont want to bother anyone who actually will talk to me anyways.
Oh and my parents have no clue about my self harming and suicidal thoughts. They’re so clueless. Or they dont care..
Anyways this kinda helped so idk if I’ll be gone yet.
5 comments
Angel, a name as sweet as she. Please tell me about yourself, about your personality, character. Your story is very intriguing, so if you have the time i would like to hear more about you, than your environment 🙂
Hopefully you wont be gone yet or anytime soon for that matter.
I doubt I would slap you even if I could..but please don’t fall for it.
Was there any particular reason for Kaileys change of attitude?(if it was a change at all)
If this helped you odds are telling someone you know/trust irl would help more..on account of you saying you no longer have friends…do you have problems making new ones?
More of an interrogation then a supportive comment but..
Angel,
First of all, I’m so happy I stumbled upon this site and that hopefully I can reach you.
I came across a quote tonight – there is a photographer Brandon, who has a website and Facebook page called Humans of New York. He goes around and photographs random New Yorkers and interviews them briefly, asking them personal questions, and the responses are often very revealing, insightful, and touching. (You should check it out!).
Anyway, someone commenting on a recent photograph – and she said something like “telling someone not to be sad because someone else has it worse is like telling someone not to be happy because someone else has it better. ”
The quote struck me as true – that is showing true empathy to another human being. And when I copied and pasted the quote I saw a bunch of sites come up that had it. I clicked this one. And I found this page, and your letter.
I’m assuming you are still in high school or middle school.
I am an art teacher and have taught high school for 8 years and currently middle school.
A few things.
You are NOT alone. There are so many kids your age hurting because they were not fortunate enough to be provided with real love and a sense of security by their own parents and/or caregivers. This can leave them with anxiety, a sense of worthlessness, lack of confidence …a longing to be loved and accepted.
I want to say I am so sorry you have had to go through these feelings and experiences as a child. NO child should ever feel the way you do.
You deserve to be loved and respected. Don’t let ANYONE take that knowledge away from you. They are trying to strip you of that because they are so deep into their own unhappiness and that has left them hurt, angry, bitter and hateful.
You have heart and strength just from reading your letter.
Please – have faith. I wish I could come over and give you a hug ! I have two kids myself – under the age of 5, so as a mother I know how important it is to make them feel loved.
Your parents are flawed – like all of us are – but they are also incredibly selfish and do not or can not have the character and integrity to raise their own children properly most likely because of mistakes made by their own parents.
When your sisters or parents yell and you please remember – it’s NOT about you. It’s about them. Its their bottled up anger and frustration about their lives and you’re become the target. You are probably the perfect punching bag in their eyes because you probably don’t fight back. And they are preying on your “weak” nature because it gives them a sense of power.
But you have gifts. You are insightful, sensitive, self aware, intelligent, and even funny (in a good way). You’re the flower in the midst of muck and I respect that and THAT is what you have to look towards. Your inner strength. One day, when you are 18 or maybe a bit older, you will finish school, hopefully continue to college – even a community college – and move out of that place. Surround yourself with good people – you know. You will know who they are. Forget “bob”. He’s an immature teenager and you certainly do NOT want him being your first! Save it for real love – which will come one day down the road.
I really hope you read this and it keeps you strong in some way.
When school starts up- please see your guidance counselor. That’s what they are there for.
You are NOT alone. You have your own path to make. And it won’t be like your sisters or parents. That makes you special. Please believe in yourself.
Sending prayers your way and positivity, Angel.
It’s great you have ambition despite all this Angel, and that you have a passion for sea life. Be the one who proves them all wrong, you have your sisters’ bad example before you so at least you know what NOT to do.
Honestly, I don’t think you should commit suicide when you haven’t even gone out into the world on your own yet. Trust me, it makes a difference. It will be hard, but just hold out until you’ve moved out. And by the way, Kailey sounds like a *****. And please don’t go out with a guy that only wants you for sex. Just some advice. Hope it helps.