Not Angry

I am not mad but wish I was. So sick of taking shit from people and in the moment I feel so strong and empowered I give them hell. Ha, then a day later I feel awful even if I wasn’t wrong and I have this sick need to try and repair everything at all costs. I wish I could have faith in my abilities and when I make a choice in regards to my self respect that I would honor it. I am all over the damn place with the only constant being thoughts and methods if death. Started as young as I can remember and still continue. I am 40 now. I literally have no family and just one friend. Who is overwhelmed herself and I hate to be a burden. I want so little out of life. I don’t dream for any of the stuff like kids marriage money or other nonsense. I just don’t want to be painfully lonely, and be able to pay my bills. If I was going to get greedy I would wish for some diving in really exotic places. Money would take care of that but the minute my dive was done I would be back in my had again.

Both my parents died from cancer about 14 years ago, pretty much at the same time.I helped them both pass at home. Boy do I wish I had kept liquid roxy.

I have a sister somewhere in the world who wrote me off the last time I tried to kill myself at an inconvenient time. Granted I saved her from an abusive husband in Japan and several suicide attempts.

I am literally sitting here wanting to make amends with someone who hurt me because I simply can’t handle another loss on any level.