Nowhere left to go.

I never realized how exhausting it is to research ways to die, along with writing a note that explains it all. I’m so exhausted I’ve taken 3 showers today just trying to get it all done. By the end of Friday I don’t intend to be here anymore. When my boyfriend at the time talked me into an abortion I didn’t want he promised he would be around afterwords, I made sure he said he would because I knew I couldn’t handle all of this alone. He left regardless and I told my family about everything because I was afraid of what I would do and they chose religion over me. They no longer answer my calls, or texts, or voicemails pleading for help. They no longer see that I exist, so I don’t really see the point in doing that. I used to have friends, and family, and a boyfriend, and even a child on the way and now it’s all gone. 27 days ago I told myself if the antidepressant and counseling wasn’t working by now it’s a lost cause. I tried the counseling, and the medication, and I still feel more dead than alive. I only gave myself this amount of time because if there was a chance that my ex wanted me back I thought that might be enough to hang on, or if my parents answered one call, or text, or a friend showed up it might be enough but it’s been 27 days, I’ve contacted 8 different people trying to ask for help, or flat out asking for help, or for someone to be there and no one responded. I left my job because I couldn’t do it anymore, and I’m officially ruining my college GPA because I can no longer focus. It’s too much work to rebuild a career, an education, friendships, deal with my family abandoning me, the grief and guild of my terminated pregnancy, and the lost of a relationship that I was willing to scarifies all of these things for. I’m still getting my plan down to final details because my original plan seems to be less effective than I though. It’s hard to believe the 30 days is almost over, and i’m not sure if i feel that way out of terror, or relief.