As this summer toils on, I’m left contemplating how things change in life. I’ve spent the last four months watching my life degrade. Losing people who meant the world to me, losing my job. Watching things that I used to enjoy and even take a bit of pleasure in wither away. But mostly I’ve been thinking about how different I thought this summer would be. Instead of planning my death, right now I was supposed to be planning my wedding. Instead of watching people slip away, I was supposed to be preparing to welcome a child within the next year or so. Now, I find myself not wanting to leave my house because of all the constant reminders of what I should have been doing. Can’t sleep, my dreams are plagued by the faces of the past, or the lies of the future. There is no joy, no hope, no ambition other than to end the emptiness that has taken me. I long for the cold loving embrace of death.
10 comments
Sometimes things dont work out they way we want them too, but we can move on and make new plans. I understand where you are coming from though and how you feel. I was to be starting a new life myself this summer. I hope things get better for you.
Thanks, but I’m not planning on them to. This is just the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time, and actually was going to end things last fall, until I took that last chance. Now… oh well.
I feel the same. Only difference is that this is the third or fourth time that I gave myself one last chance… but I end up right back in the same spot. I have been told how resilient I am. Thought it was a compliment but it really isn’t
I keep saying to myself, if you fall down seven times, get up eight. Well, I feel like a fool for getting back up from the brink of death over and over. I can’t get up anymore
i am sad to see this post…
as i have sad before, i still can’t shake the felling that you were meant for more…
yes, you will never get the time you spent back, you will never be able to change the past
AND IT SUCKS, it hurts so much that you are calling for death to save you
but death is not the only one who can save you
you can save yourself too, even if you don’t feel strong, even when you feel that you are just making things worse, even if you think you are not worth saving
you are, and you can be saved…
if you are going to stop fighting, then let me tell you some of the reasons it went wrong:
1. you gave op on yourself
2. you went back to what went wrong and repeated it
3. you gave op on yourself
4. you based your life on someone who was not yourself
5. you gave op on yourself
And yes i wrote that 3 times
Live life for yourself!
and well… when i no longer see you posting here… i will be sad … but i hope the pain ends
I’ve saved myself too many times. I’m just tired of the ongoing, nothing ever seems to change. Believe I have tried, and tried and tried and tried….now I’m just tired. So I would have to say, yes I’ve given up. It doesn’t matter how well the engine is made, if you don’t refuel it, it will eventually run out of gas. My fuel was joy, and I’ve had none in a long time.
well, all i can do write to you…
i which i could do more, but dam…
do you believe me when i say i have been where you are?
somehow i manage to get op of the hole i dug, one more time and even if i crawled for idk how long, the feeling of having my life back, realising what i needed to remove, and what to find…
i which i could send you (actually all in the SP) some of that feeling, then you could decide if that was worth the fight
i feel like life have waited to long to show you the light
I hope im making seens, my English is not the best…
I understand, and I do appreciate the caring, kind words. Knowing myself as I do though, change is something I’ve never been able to do. If you remember in my first post I talked about waiting for her for sixteen years. If I could have let it go I would have, but there’s something inside of me that won’t relinquish how I feel. It makes me miserable, and all I do is suffer for it. I’m doing the same thing now, but I realize that the only way for me to be free of it is to shut my brain off because that’s what never stops. I just can’t let go no matter how much I try. I’m defective.
i see..
forgive me for asking, but you were seeing someone for help, is that not something you which to try again or did it not help at all?
also i had to go to 3 different people before i found someone that actually could help me, so if the person did not “connect” whit you, that may have been why i did not work…
I did seek counseling on several occasions, and it never helped. I’ve tried changing my life style, getting new friends, who inevitably I alienate. Dating new women, but I never feel any emotions towards them. I have a depersonalization disorder, so I don’t form attachments to people anymore. At least that’s what the shrinks have said. They say it’s caused by the events I posted in my earlier post. Meds don’t help, I’m one of those people that no medications work like they’re supposed to. Not even sleeping pills, I get wired and I’m up for three days. I’m just tired of it, because I remember when I was “normal” and it’s just something I can never be again.
that sucks…
to be honest, i think that your shrink might not be doing there job ….
at least if they say that you can’t change, a disorder is a heavy burden/ difficult to handle, but its still something that can be worked whit
have you read ” http://depersonalizationrecovery.com/articles/how-do-i-cure-depersonalization-disorder/ “?
it may help…
also the sleeping pills, that is normal respond to them, if you fail to fall a sleep the first hour, then you end op whit the backwards effect… even if 3 days sounds extreme..
id like to ad “Normal” is overrated, but i do remember feeling so low that it seem like a perfect world to live in, just wanting to be normal. .