Is it possible for someone who has shown no emotion for the past 17 years to show emotion again? I’ve kept my feeling balled up for so long and only concentrated on depression and hate. I hated that some of the best people I knew were killing themselves to escape reality. Why can’t i do the same? Some of me has the want, the dreams, the desire to end it all. But there is a very small an vague side that just won’t allow me to. How long can this side stay strong before the darkness rolls through like a tornado an rips apart the last few emotions I have left and then what we stop me? What will save me? What will become of me..?
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It’s perfectly possible, and you said it yourself, there only so much that you can keep bottled up inside (in your case 17 years of stuff), and sooner or later when you keep holding things they are bound to burst their way out when you least expect it. And most likely you can’t take your life like the people you mention since you still have that (small) part of hope/self-preservation-instinct that continues to give you strength. If you still have things you want to do, goals, motivation, people you love, you should hang on to those, because even if people (and therapy or medication) can help, in the end only you can really save yourself if you want to.
I never really thought of it like that, I’ve always seen it one sided. I figured that when that day comes when my bubble will burst, I will want the “easy” way out… I guess your right on the self preservation, I’ve tried before. I’ve never made my cuts deep enough to really do harm, I’ve done it to feel more than just depression an hate…