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Everything disgusts me. I try to be like everybody else but I’m not. I constantly feel disconnected and lonely and sad, if I hear about abuse in third OR first world countries I feel sick inside out. Racism, Homophobia, inequality of wealth, torture, rape, misogyny, death, illness, makes me shudder inside out. The fact we are brought into a boring world where nothing is fun and we get old and deteriorate, and bullied for always being ugly and never good enough DESTROYS me.

I never got over that I was raped and sexually assaulted more than once by different people, or this abortion I had where the nurses laughed at me saying i wouldn’t know if i was dead when i have a phobia of nothingness and they humiliated me, i never had realised how repulsive my hideous violated body was until that day, they loved every minute of heartbreak the murder caused me. It all makes me feel so ugly and violated and disgusting and worthless.

I was always the kid left out of everything, nobody ever wanted to know me because I was too sensitive, always crying. I got real bad depression in primary school, my phobia of nothingness began during this time and was enhanced further when i start doing drugs and became the most horrific version of apathetic known to mankind, my mind was decomposing. I’ve been severely bullied by loads of different people, I’ve been violently bullied, isolated, excluded, every inch of my worthless face and body insulted in so many different ways, I’ve had my character denounced, made out to be a real *****, loads of disgusting rumours, called a slag, a lesbian, had chewing gum stuck in my hair, cyber bullied. Sure this is all in the past, but it will always haunt me.

I’ve acted like many different characters that are not me. Nobody knows how vulnerable i really am under all these fake personalities. Everyone these days thinks i’m pretty and clever and have it all, but i feel nothing but apathy, fear, humiliation, heartbreak and sadness. I wasn’t made for this world. I’ve always had ridiculously good physical health, but horrendous mental health, i never get ill but i always feel sick because i am unwanted and alone in the ugly, cruel, abusive world.

I never had loyal friends through out school, they always used me for money, or to boost their self esteems. I’ve always been left out from all the fun. I have been sober (other than alcohol) for over a year, but i’m always flat, pretending i enjoy life when really i’m numb to the core, wasting my money and youth. I have friends i trust now, but few, and nobody knows i feel this low on a regular basis.

I never get successful relationships. I’ve had an abusive relationship before, with a guy that made groups coming up with different gory deaths for me, made up that i’d tried to steal things and that i tried to eat loo paper to die, which of course got me beaten up and teased and laughed at, everyone thought me dying was HILARIOUS, the joy in their eyes at the idea of me in utter agony, hundreds of people wanted me to die brutally, i was 17 and wanted them all to live happy lives. I’ve been single for a long time, all my friends and sister have beautiful relationships while i’m constantly alone, nobody loves me, and i think there is nothing worse than destroying your body with one night stands, so my sex life is almost non-existent. I’m always getting used for sex, by people proud to have abused my trust in them, which makes me feel suicidal, i have a phobia of becoming ugly, and obvs everybody looks ugly during sex, genitals and other parts are so extreme in their ugliness and impurity that they can make you become skankier than a partially decomposed body no matter how hard you tried to look pretty before hand. So thinking you love somebody and then forgetting you and using you is worse than death.

Right now my life is ok. I’m quite poor but I’m at university and not the worst off. I’ve never been special at anything, never the most intelligent, but i’m ok. I’m hopeless at anything sport related, get lost regularly, i have very poor practical skills, everyone’s bullied me for this too. Everyone thinks it means i’m retarded, but i’m not i’m just un- coordinated. I live my life feeling just another boring girl at best, and at worst like i deserve my eyes ripping out and my skull stamping on, my body mutilated and burned then puked, spat and pissed on, then go back in time and do the same to me as a baby. No form of torture ever satisfies me enough, i’m not human, i have nothing in comon with anybody, i’m a FREAK. But maybe I don’t want to be human, mucas, decomposition, saliva, feces, urine, blood, insides, every aspect of human is REVOLTING. I don’t deserve to be made of such vile bacteria ridden filth, i want to be beautiful.

I don’t enjoy my life, my highs don’t last long enough, nothing good lasts, everyone will die and leave me, i have a phobia of surgeons and hospitals so refuse to die there. But when you want to cry because you’ve been forced awake when you wanted to sleep forever, its time you should end the misery. It won’t get better, it has technically gotten better, but i feel more empty than ever. I’m not what i look like. I have plans and goals, they are unique and ‘fun’, but i FEEL NOTHING BUT PAIN OR APATHY. I don’t want to be alive, it isn’t my fault i was born, i didn’t ask for it. I don’t fit in this world, i have nothing in common with anyone, the hatred out there disturbs me. Help me die.

PLEASE. I’m too WEAK to yet, but i need to die with dignity, perhaps starvation? I need assistance, thank you.