Strange come to terms.

So I’ve had these thoughts before that I just want to go but this was years ago I mean like ova 5/6 years ago. These were always easy to understand that in a bad place bad times not happy etc.
Now all has changed, I have no issues in life or with people all is good, but now I feel at ease with it all.
Recently thoughts returned and I’m quite happy about it how at peace I am with the idea, the thought of going mostly puts me in a really good mood and crack on with the days work looking forward to later on but have yet to find the right way to go for me, knife seems obvious but if goes wrong, ie, survive or prolonged… don’t know.
AT the min I am patient knowing I get to choose but worries me I may take too long and change my mind.
If I drink ALOT for few days I get more focused on the issue but cant get drunk enough to do which leads me to believe something is stopping me and is getting on my tits ill be honest, the only best way is sober.
I think the thing is that I’m being selfish just going and that could be stopping me but more and more of late I am caring less and less.
Well have to see how plays out.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
I’m not looking for answers or ways to correct my mind set, I am content with my choice, just wanted to share as have not wrote these thoughts down before.