It’s never ending. Every time I recover I get hit with another blow. I’ve made it through trial after trial, never knowing how I ended up on the other side alive. I’m not going to tell my life’s story in my first post on this site, but I will give some insight. I’ve lived the majority of my life alone. What time I was around people; “family”, shelters, fosters, etc.; I always felt different, unwelcome, crazy. I’ve contemplated my death since the beginning of my memories, in a way it fascinates me. I’ve just never had the balls to actually go through with it, I suppose. Don’t get me wrong I’ve tried many times, put myself through things that in all honesty probably should have killed me, but then again I’ve never had the best luck. In high school I started in on various drugs, then came the major depression & self mutilation; though I’m most positive I was insane well before then. Over the years I just lost faith. First in religion (which was so very quick to go), then in “family” & “friends”, & ultimately in all of humanity. I hate the people around me. Which is insane, if you knew me, because I’m the most loving person I know. I have entirely too much love to give, & THAT is my problem. Every relationship I’ve allowed myself to enter; be it “family”, “friend”, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.; I’ve been hurt in the deepest way. Not the regular “I can’t believe he cheated” or “Mom & Dad are getting divorced”; see that I feel I could recover from; but I’ve been beaten down on every level by every person I’ve let in my life. The emotional pain is unbearable. I can take a hit like a man; but to give someone all of my love & trust & have them betray me, in my opinion, speaks not only on their character but mine as well. I am a strong person, & I know that, but I’m a very exhausted person as well & I don’t know how much more I can take, I’m starting to doubt my strength. Through my toughest times I kept 1 “friend”. When I moved into my first apartment by myself he’d sit in that empty ass apartment with me every day. Sitting on folding chairs watching an ancient “tube” with the world’s first DVD player. No cable or food, we didn’t fool around or even kiss, honestly we didn’t even watch good movies. (Cheaters Uncensored Volume 1? Really?) But he was always there & he was always kind. He saw me through it all; knew my “family”, my illnesses, & my lack of will to live but he always looked at me like I was the most amazing thing he’d ever seen. No one else has ever looked at me like that. Long before I had vowed I’d never love or trust again, but after 8 years I gave in to what I most desired, which was him. After 7 months of the best relationship of my life he moved in. I’ve never been able to live with other people, I just get claustrophobic, frustrated, depressed, & finally; Destructive. I had low hopes, & like always, he proved me wrong. We agreed on everything, functioned perfectly. He was amazing. I devoted everything to him. I’m so stupid. Call me old fashioned, but I’m so very loyal. When I’m with someone I give my all. I’ve never cheated or even looked at anyone else, even when opportunity not just called but threw itself in my face. The first & second times he hurt me I cried, deeply, & put it in the back of my mind. I never let him see my pain. The next time was too much, I talked to him about it & he was so apologetic, so sweet, so sorry. He comforted me. I loved him so much. The next time it happened…I just didn’t know what to think. What am I doing wrong? Why does everything end like this? I give my everything. Not just in relationships. I try to be the best person I know how to be in every situation, whether people are watching or not. I don’t steal or cheat, I’m honest & trustworthy, I don’t “sleep around” or flirt. But to the 1 person I gave all of myself to, I wasn’t enough. It’s never enough. Why is humanity so evil? I feel so out of place, like I should have been born in another time or not born at all. I hate Jerry Springer & fucking “reality” TV. I hate those disgusting half naked girls posted everywhere I look. No one has respect! Not for themselves or others. So why the fuck did I end up so different? Why can’t I be mindless, rude, careless like everyone else? I don’t belong here. I’ve counted 10 times now….each time I felt just a little bit lower. Now I’m at my bottom & I don’t even want to get up. I can’t eat or sleep & my thoughts are haunted with the many options of suicidal freedom more & more every day. I just don’t know anymore.
7 comments
“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” -John Wooden(?)
Honestly… few people in this world are worthy of the degree of loyalty you describe. So most of us have to try to be content with “close enough…” or not at all.
I don’t want to settle anymore. I just want to love, relate…..I just want to know im not the only one out there. but I think I am….
i was thinking about this the other day… “terminal conversation,” or… endless interaction with a person who wants to be there (and preferably isn’t a *****/jerk the whole time), are some ways to describe what i hoped to find, but realized would never happen.
People get tired of me being right, tired of listening, tired of learning about themselves, through a mirror that can show their mistakes and offer corrections without shunning them or dropping them like an anvil.
No, no one wants that. People want riches and wealth and luxury and excess, and they want it all for free, and to still be able to treat their benefactor as merely a benefactor, if and when they please.
marry me. I need you.
O_O
I call dibs on organising the stag do.
I can relate to a lot of your post, I don’t feel like i belong here either, I feel like there’s something wrong with me, although I know there really isn’t. I just feel different to almost every person i meet or see, maybe I only feel that way because i see them on the surface and they seem so free, like their gliding through life in a different reality.
As for loss of faith in humanity, i think that’s what happens when the majority just seem to be against you, always in your worst times as well! .. The worlds mostly full of bastards really – you find that in your darkest times. People who are in it for themselves, just wanna take what they can get from you and leave, that’s if you’ve got something they’re wanting and when they’ve had enough.. gone! .. still this site gives me hope because i see a side of people that i don’t get to see in real life – and that’s a real breath of fresh air!