Hello readers, I’m just your other ‘regular’ near-suicidal person…
Just like any other people who wants to die, my life isn’t really sunshine and rainbows hahaha…
I’m not so unfortunate to be an orphan, a slave, or handicapped, and I’m not confident to say ‘My life is the worst’ or ‘I’m the most miserable person on earth’…no, nothing like that…
I began my suicide thoughts when i’m at 5th and 6th grade in elementary school. you know, bullying and family problems ^^… in 6th grade i really tried to kill myself by “ Smoke from burning a BBQ in a sealed room” type of suicide. they said dying by inhaling carbon monoxide is the easiest and least painful, since you die when your unconcious…
It’s weird, the thing that motivated me to die…also became the thing that motivated me to live…
The feeling of…’dying’…, when I think of what will happen after I die… I was sad…and angry
“if I die, will my parents cry?” “if I die, will the teachers say it’s my fault for being ignorant and etc” “if I die… will anyone mourn me?”
these thoughts are so selfish… but i don’t want to be forgotten. I don’t want my corpse to be insulted by other people “ignorant teenagers” or “never tried anything else and just choose to die”… I tried so many things to be happy, to not look at reality. I told the teachers I was bullied, but they only told me “patience is virtue” and other BS they came up with…, I told my parents and they don’t care and think it’s just “its kid’s troubles, its nothing big”
I don’t want them to appear on the TV news saying “we teach him the best thing we can, I don’t know why he did that!” or something like “Kids this days are foolish, they don’t consult to the teacher, but rush to death first” “they don’t have any faith in god, and so they fall into despair and die” “he is just an idiot, not trying to do anything, and escaping reality by dying!” …i don’t want them to make hypocritical comments, I don’t want to die, be forgotten in 3 days, and talked by people as an idiot , I tried my best to live, tried my best to change everything, I TRIED!! but no one will believe a person who suicide after all… I want those who bully me go to hell, my teachers and my parents too… I go through all that pain and sadness and choose to die, but they won’t even bat an eyelid!
…so, i made a different plan, rather than running away and end everything, I want to get my revenge…i want to be succesful, i want to be rich, to be something people can idolize, it’s a stupid idea… i know… but i want to hold on to this thoughts… i want to be interviewed and someday tell everybody about my life… how i’m not grateful even one bit to my parents, how i want the people that bullies me to die, how i want people to change their views on people who suicide… i want my revenge… and also my symbol of existence…
It’s pretty stupid right (?-?)… i want to die, and yet cause i don’t want to be badmouthed i turn 180 degree and want to live. i hate my parents and the one who bullies me so much that it became my motivation to live… i want to die cause i’m suffering…but i want to live Because i have suffered… sorry for reading a rambling of a stupid person…
sorry for soundging cliche… but those who want to die.. do you really want the people that make you suffer to just live a happy life? while you are suffering, they don’t even care a tiny bit about you…, are you really okay with that? i’m not trying to change your mind… nor will i support you… but if you want those that hurt you to suffer too… then take all of that pain and suffering and move on… even though it hurts, lonely and sad… just take it all in and move on. be someone which the public can view respectfully, and shove it on their faces on how you’ve changed, imagine yourself being on TV insulting those who have hurt you, how you have changed and how you will never forgive them. it’s a pretty stupid idea, but this is my personal motivation… maybe your motivation is different, but in the end, for my personal though… I don’t want to die without making my signature for those who wants to suicide i hope you don’t have any regrets. no revenge, no last/suicide wills, if you do…then before dying, why don’t you finish it all first. for people like us, we got nothing else to lose anyway, the moment we suicide… our dignity, name and belongings will all be gone, so what else is there to lose? when you think this way… maybe a solution will come without you knowing it ^^
that’s all from me, sorry again for the ramblings, chances are, no one will read this lol. if you are reading this, thank you for that. i’m really grateful. I hope you will make the right choice in your life… hte choices that will not make you sad and be filled with regret…whether its good or bad. thanks you… bye ?????
2 comments
No one will respect you if you insult those who have hurt you, and you haven’t really changed if you feel the need to do so. You don’t want people to badmouth you, but then you wouldn’t think twice about doing it to them if you were in a position of power. Even if they are people who’ve bullied or neglected you, a person worthy of respect wouldn’t rise to it, but simply take it as one of life’s challenges. I mean, if you were rich you would no longer need any of them, right? You could meet people who actually cared about you and cherished your company. Just a thought.
I read this and found it interesting and well-written, but doesn’t really apply to me, as I am not out for revenge on anyone, nor do I care too much about what people may or may not say after I’m gone. Your post is kinda upbeat and sparky, hell, if thinking this is a way to keep you going and suicidal thoughts from your mind, then I’m all for it. Whatever gets you through the night. Better than sliding into self-pity. Good luck!