I posted not more then a day ago and didn’t really feel like I explained myself properly. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for years now. I have the tendency to care more for other then I do myself. I remember things I shouldn’t remember.
It hurts sometimes because I feel like the choices I made in my past drive me to wanting to commit suicide. I’ve cut my wrist multiple times and sometimes I can’t even cut deep enough because I get scared. I have no job, no real friends, and I barely speak to my family. I live with my boyfriend and he’s amazing. It bothers me that this isn’t my first attempt on suicide. And sometimes I wish I would just get it over with and swallow some sleeping pills while my bf is at work.
I hate that everywhere I go everyone expects so much of me and I feel like I can’t live my life. I have the constant need to satisfy people even if it makes me unhappy. I can’t say no half the time and I fear I’m always going to be too nice that people will always take advantage of me. I need help. I want to live but I feel like I never have a reason to. My boyfriend does what he wants because I let him be him, but it hurts me. He doesn’t cheat or talk to other women, it just bothers me that he makes decisions without me and it makes me feel like we aren’t together. I want to leave but I feel like I’m not strong enough to. I want to go home but I know I’ll just lock myself in my room like I always do. I shut so many people out just so I can cry. I cry more then ever. And I can’t take it anymore. I’m so depressed all the time and I feel like even though I try so hard to make people happy it’s never good enough. Tired of feeling like a disappointment and a burden. I’ve been taken care of a lot even when I don’t mean for them to. I sometimes starve myself because I feel terrible that I’m 23 years old and other people are taking care of me. Everything seems to go wrong around me and I’m tired of being a waste of fresh air.
Someone help me please.
20 comments
Don’t know what to say I’m a horrible mess too
Idk what to do with myself. No one I’ve tried talking to in reality seems to understand how I feel. They think I’d be self fish and stubborn if I committed suicide. I just feel more guilty.
Yes I know about that thought my mother told me to do whatever I will just be a new corpse that gets an anniversary of being death but at the same time hide my medicine when attempt or threaten me to go back to horrible place of an hospital also took my cutting tool and said she didn’t feed me to do this to her and I feel like shit she compares to other men and I feel ashamed but I’m not a bad person I feel disgusted by food nauseous almost everyday,I feel nobody understands how bad I feel and how much I’ve been struggling is not a phase is a endless cycle of agony.
I know how that feels because my family thinks I’m okay. I felt like if I killed myself my body would go unnoticed for weeks and they wouldn’t even mourn me. They would just run their mouths on how they’ll just continue to clean up after me even though I’m gone. It’s hard to find people to talk to because everyone is always into the latest trend like Twitter or Instagram that they don’t even remember that more then 30 years ago cellphones, touch screens and maybe even the Internet had never exsisted. I think the suicide rate is increasing every year because technology is growing and more people are relying on it, even depending on it. It’s hard to talk to people in person these days and even expects someone to understand.
I understand. I barely speak to my family (mostly because they call me crazy and lie about me or things I (don’t) say), I have few friends – certainly no good friends, I quit my job. I was supposed to start a masters program this year but deferred because too suicidal and cognitive function horrible (not sure how I managed to get in to such a great school).
I especially understand your comments about expectations. I think I stay (as if it’s a choice) in this suicidal state because no one expects anything from me. I won’t disappoint anyone anymore. When I attempted to start my masters program, I was terrified because if I start doing well again and regaining my life, people/family/doctors will expect things from me… and I can’t manage it anymore. Don’t know why…
I understand where you are coming from…
Feels like I just don’t have the confidence or the will power to not want to satisfy people. I want to go to school and do more but I think it wouldn’t be worth it at all. I asked my mother for help because she helped my sister and she said helping me would be a waste and she would be spending money she could use for other things. I know how you feel about people saying things about you that aren’t true. My grandmother was the only person that really made me feel alive. When she past away 4 years ago I lost myself. And since I was so distant with my family and not so talkative, my own cousin kicked me out of what once was my grandmother’s house and I was forced to live with an ex. None of my family would take me in because they heard I was stealing money and gold from my grandmother to buy drugs. Which eventually shunned me. My own brother wouldn’t take me in. My ex used and abused me physically and mentally. I felt more dead then alive and more alone even with people around. I dare say that being antisocial has kept me out of trouble in school for the most part but it makes things people say about me way more believable. And sometimes I can’t bare living with myself.
Totally understand about no will power. I will manage to find motivation for a few hours or even a day or two. Then, I start on projects that I usually back out of or fail because I inevitably lose all motivation. And of course, this failing and quitting kills my self-esteem and self-worth. It is what happened to my masters program. In a few months, I get my last shot to start it… I wanted to get my masters after I finished college but my dad always told me it was a waste of time and money. Unfortunately, I listened to him… for far too long. Now, I am 14 years out of college trying to do my masters. If I don’t get my masters because of me, I am okay with it. But if I don’t do it because of my father, I will never forgive myself. Honestly, I want to find meaning and happiness in my career but I need at least a masters degree to position myself for the job I want… so I keep telling myself to just pass the program… perhaps I will be just as miserable with a masters but I won’t know until I get it
Please don’t let your mother dissuade you from education – you are worth it. I hope deep down you know you are worth it. There are a lot of ways to finance school. In fact, I read an article a few weeks ago about 20-25 schools that provide 50%+ tuition support to encourage enrollment. There were a lot of liberal arts colleges on the list plus schools such as the University of Oregon, University of Arizona, Arizona Stare University, Gonzaga University
I understand about ruining your education me being a hypersensitive person and always worrying about all way too much ruined my chances many times also having expectations doing your best and being caught in a battle with yourself failing them and everything collapses once again…
I was looking into colleges and financial aid in hopes that my mother would be proud of me. I took some classes for a few days. My mom had a friend over and ranted about how I was lazy and didn’t want to wake to school, when she told me she didn’t want me walking. Other things I can’t remember. So I stopped going because it felt like no matter what I did she would never be proud.
A lesson I am learning is that I need to do things such as school for myself, not my father or anyone else. I find that when I am motivated to do things for myself, I am most successful in achieving my goals… maybe try to think of school as doing it for you not your mother? In my other post, I referenced an article about colleges offering significant financial support. It came out a few weeks ago. I will try to find link
I’m not responding to judge you. And what does it matter if it’s not your thread. I like knowing that I’m not that only one that feels this way. At least I know I’m not alone. Our stories and our reason may be different but in the end we still feel pain. I’ve been raped twice and molested by family members and neglected by family back stabbed and treated like I don’t exist by many of people. I didn’t think I would find a place where people understood at least some of what I feel instead of seeming confused when it right in front of their faces. A story is a story. It’s just up to the person’s point of view how they choose to interpret it. Just the same with emotions and words. I feel like admitting I have demons and finally saying out loud that suicide is something I would more then likely consider, for the first time I know it’s me being honest with myself and who I am. I won’t judge you or tell you otherwise I’ve always been a listener and never good with my own words. I want to talk instead of being told to shut up. So don’t put yourself down because it isn’t your thread. Feel a little good that their are people like you who understand what it is you feel.
Thank you. That’s helps with my school situation I will look into it now.
Accepting that you will never make someone proud and cutting expectations… but whatever I achieve for myself seems so empty and lack of meaning,dreams my dream is to disappear from this world since all the things I ever long for are always destined to make me hurt,I’m sorry I think I’m not even explaining myself good enough here,we live in such a competitive and materialistic world where feelings are so discardable I suffer even when I study about mean people making poems or strategies to make girls fall in love with them to just use them go after another or whatever the despicable cause is and OCD make it worse for me concentrate and negative sticks like a tick inside,I’m sorry if I wrote too much about myself in a thread that’s not my own.
The expectation things is awful, and it’s funny how what others expect of you can screw you up so much. When i was a kid my family expected great things from me and i tried to please all the time, but there was always something that went wrong and i managed to screw up (in their eyes at least). I remember once i was beaten up for getting a B+ instead of an A (and i used to have only above A grades) and that was it for me, since i realized there is no point in trying to please everyone, you never will, since the more you give, the more they will expect and demand from you (if you let them).
You should talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling, a relationship involves two people so you should have a say in things as well. Seek for something that makes YOU happy, and do it for yourself, not to please the rest. If you don’t want to be a burden anymore look for something to do about it. What i’m trying to say is that you can change all those things that you are mentioning, and have people that support you, so the only thing left for you is to try (if you really want to).
Every time I try, I feel it goes unnoticed. I talked to my boyfriend about it. And I don’t mean to mention it but we hadn’t been intimate in a few weeks, every time I came onto him he’d shut me down. I clean I cook and do things around the apartment without him needing to tell me anything. It all seems to go unnoticed because he just walks in and doesn’t say anything. When I spoke to him he finally decided to tell my that his family was questioning me being here for so long without a job and it makes me think about what he says about me that make them question it. Everything I kept trying to talk to him about on how I was feeling he said everything was fine. I even wrote him a letter. He said I was being crazy and coming up with things in my head because I never leave the apartment. He finally assures me that everything I was feeling was right. And it hurt because I was trying so hard to get over it and it was eating away at me. He went to dinner tonight to celebrate with his boss and coworkers upon completing their work assignment. He told me he didn’t want to go but he would only be gone for maybe 2 hours. Then he decides to stay for drinks at a near by bar and I can’t even sleep next to him because I feel like he only cares about himself. He even accused me of being jealous of him because he has his life together. The entire time I’ve just wanted to cut my wrists open and make him come home with me dead because he wasn’t here. It always seems like when I get close to anyone even for the slightest moment I’m pushed away like an old toy and left to collected dust when I’m needed again. I can’t even stop crying.
Sounds like he isn’t very amazing like you say then. Maybe he takes you for granted or is getting influenced by outside people (been there), and he is not worthy of you taking your own life just to show him a lesson (no one is). More the reason to find something you want to do for yourself, that way you won’t depend on him or anyone and you’ll be able to do what you want. The old toy thing tho? been there (lots of times… and it freaking sucks, feeling used is not nice), which is why i rarely get close to anyone anymore, you have to put limits to what people does to you or you just end up being a doormat.
It’s hard to be happy. Because I feel like when I’m happy others can’t stand it. I might already be a door mat. I messaged him because I was worried and he basically played a victim. Idk what I’m even doing at this point.
I agree that it’s hard to be happy (i’d say it’s a neverending struggle), but if someone can’t stand your happiness you shouldn’t have to give it up for them. I mean, if you aren’t hurting them, why should they care? if anything they should be glad that you are able to be happy instead of not standing it, if not they really don’t care much about you and that’s not the kind of people you want to be around. It’s never too late to stop being a door mat.
I am not a doctor and don’t have a license but thought I would make a suggestion. I don’t know you so I hope this doesn’t bother you. Last thing I want to do is offend you. I share many of the same thoughts as you. My doctor suggested DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). It focuses on emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance. A huge part of DBT is ‘radical acceptance.’ DBT helped me to accept a few things that I really struggled with accepting i.e., career stuff, family stuff. It sure made a big difference after I accepted those things… maybe worth a shot
I can look into but it can be anything. I can’t even sleep because I’m afraid of the dark. At least in the light I know I’m alone. In the dark it’s just empty, like me. I need to fall asleep to something. My eyes hurt so bad. I feel like a complete female crying and talking about my boyfriend and bitching about life when it shouldn’t be called being a female. It should be called being human. I know I’m alive if I can feel something. I just don’t believe pain is enough.