He loves me and can’t live without me–he says. But he won’t listen when I tell him what I need to be happy and to regain trust in him after robbing me while high on crack. I was a codependent until I learned to implement a tough love routine.
He promised he would go to rehab so i sprung him out of jail. And then, he skipped off 3 hrs away blowing off rehab. He insists i cheat on him when he’s the only one. He’s psychotic and the list of guys he accused that I am having sex with just keeps growing. We argue and I defend myself. I could never cheat on him despite all that’s he’s done to hurt me.
I’m alone most weekends. When he comes to visit once or twice / month, he wants sex and love and attention. But he’s always broke, needs gas to return home 3 hrs. away, needs me to buy meals out or food at home, pay for anywhere we go. He fixes everything that is broken here, finds projects to do but than won’t let me forget what he’s done, what it would have cost me, and how broke he is. He claims he works hard–yet his total hours are 6 hrs. a week supposedly. He screams and shouts when he’s angry. I scream back and my stomach locks up and I have pain in my chest.
I beg him to give me peace. To just be nice. That’s it. I pay all of my own expenses and all of ours when we are together. I’ve been waiting and praying for a change. He promises it will come–but one crisis after the next pushes him 10 steps back again.
Yesterday, he grabbed my ink pen and began stabbing into both of his forearms, and scraping the pen down the veins on his forearms. Blood spattered everywhere. On both of our clothes. He was crying. I was in shock, stone faced and then crying too.
Later I called the police because I didn’t trust that I would be safe or that he wouldn’t start another argument leading to more cutting. He left when I called the police. I woke up to this nightmare and cannot get the images of his bloody arms and tear-filled eyes out of my mind. This is how it ended for us. He’s still alive when I called him this AM but said he would end it tonite.
His mom loved him, provided for him but was giving him hell all the time. He robbed her too when we were young. He went to prison and she let him sit and rot. He defines her as abusive and abandoning him by letting him go to prison for 10 yrs. This anger and rage is turned toward me. He fights and defies everything I ask of him. He is the angry child who hates his mother. I am that mother.
I am so sad and devastated. Very alone and defeated that he didn’t change like he promised. Why did I have to be so tough. Now it’s too late and I can’t express the hurt and pain that I truly felt but chose to suppress in exchange for tough love.
11 comments
Love yourself first. He’s in charge of his own life, and you can’t be a replacement mother because he’s pissed at his own mom for letting him sit in jail. It sounds like you’re a responsible, caring individual. As tough it may be, you need to let him live his own life and take responsibility for himself, and find happiness for yourself.
Oh my God, that guy is such seriously bad news for you moongazer. Your story triggers memories in me of a not dissimilar situation I got into with a psychotic guy who also turned out to be somewhat sociopathic. I sense that your level of self-esteem is as pitifully low as mine was at the time I got involved with him. I broke free (he’s now locked up in a secure mental health facility for stabbing someone in the face, go figure!) Lonely and depressed though I often am, at least I have my self-respect.
Please, moongazer, save yourself from this situation, chuck him out of your life for good. Don’t throw away any of your time, energy, love and money on this guy! He so isn’t worth it. Oh, and my bloke had a bad relationship with his mother too. AND he was locked up for ten years before, only in a secure mental health facility, not a prison! I really can relate to your situation! Being used as a whipping post, treated with contempt by a low life scumbag – I believe you are worth more than that moongazer!
I totally sympathise with the reasons you might have got caught up with this person. I don’t judge you at all for that, you have no reason to be ashamed. I get that you love the guy, I loved mine, he was charming, handsome and charismatic despite all his problems. But please…PLEASE! Get the fuck away from him. Harden your heart to his manipulative tears and protestations.
My God, another similarity is that my one used to accuse me of sleeping with other guys too! Aaargh! This is so fucked up. He was deeply paranoid, so is your one I think. It’s so disrespectful and nasty to be falsely accused like that when you’ve done nothing but love the guy. Some people, we have to accept, will never benefit from being loved, will never change their spots, will continue to abuse your trust, love and loyalty for as long as you let them. They see it as weakness, not strength, and they exploit your good nature to the max.
And my guy was not the first…I had a pattern of being exploited and abused in relationships. That low self-esteem again.
I’ll bear any amount of loneliness before I ever stoop so low again! Sorry to get so personally involved…your story just brings it all back to me, and the more I look at it the more uncanny similarities I see!
What a selfish asshole! He is a taker,and an unstable,dangerous one.I hope you get hard enough with yourself to be strong and reject any begging,whining,crying,sex, or flattery that he comes at you with. Cut him off cleanly,and dont go back. He will use and use you and manipulate you .Be strong.Try to avoid the same characteristics and patterns in the next guy you date-Seppuku is spot on . When she said she was attracted to the same type over and over it really rings true for me,and so many of us..These guys get in because theyre intensely romantic and/or sexual.They can make you feel like the most desired,adored woman in the world. Thats m y experience anyway-i love that feeling of obsession.Ive had to get hard with myself-i couldnt totally break from t h e last one,for several years. Be strong.Youre a giving and kind person.Youre worthy of someone who has these same traits..
The constant accusing wore me down. I told him once recently that he needed to get down on one knee, apologize and promise to stop doing it. And then take whatever therapy, medication or whatever to ensure that he didn’t ever do it again. I was deeply and solely committed to him in the face of his prior drug abuse and character flaws. So worn down from his accusations and arguments, that so many nights I just wanted to crawl into bed at 5pm. to cure a headache or stomach pains and to simply rest. This too was a threat and served to validate in his mind that I was unfaithful. It seems there are no shortage of individuals who, like mine, have these behavior patterns. It is very helpful to hear that I am not alone. When we become isolated in our lives, our practices and our thoughts, the mind lacks information. We tend to turn inward for answers and often blame ourselves. Speaking with others opens the door for a flow of information that helps us realize the manipulative patterns that are destructing our lives. Thank you for your sharing your story and outlining similarities in both of our situations. I feel as though a window has been opened.
I woke with a panic attack. it all replays in my mind like a bad movie that I cannot turn off.
The trouble is ‘giving and kind’ guys don’t tend to be attractive to girls, not in my experience! We’re too busy being treated like crap as well to really get to enjoy such a luxury.
He was giving and kind when he was stable. But when he went into psychotic episodes, he was relentless with his accusations.
I became involved with him for reasons that can only be described as my own demons–not because I don’t appreciate and respect giving and kind guys.
I am a survivor of a heroin holocaust–my entire family and many friends died prematurely and while I was quite young from drugs, alcohol or drunk driving.
The years past and the isolation and lonliness of being alone in this world was overwhelming.
When he and I reunited after 25 years, he was the only person left from my past. He was strong, sober, drug free, working, had assets and many positive conditions in his life. He relapsed on drugs (which he blamed me for) because I had tired of an LDR. I have tried to end it so many times. It hurts both of us but me more because when he is gone, I am alone–. My quality of life is very low because whenever I try to push myself out of the funk, I not very successful. The loneliness and feeling of detachment in the world is profound. It’s impossible to replace people who loved you. What substitutes for that? It was the sense of family connection that he and I shared having known one another for over 30 yrs. In ordinary circumstances, he is not the type of guy that I would have become involved with. So its not a sense of insecurity, or instability, or financial despair or the need for abuse that kept this person in my life. It was the need for family and an appreciation for the many little things that he did to help with the day to day struggles. No excuses–those are my demons–they just run a little different than the typical–yet the ugly result is the same.
giving and kind guys are the best 🙂
I will just say that i fear he will hurt you physically sometime, perhaps even try and murder you. Or hurt you sexually (rape, etc). Sorry.
I agree what he did is a danger. Oddly, I think that’s the interpretation of what my boyfriend did or maybe any person who attempts to commit suicide and that is that they become a major risk and threat against living people. I think wisdom would tell us that if they can inflict mutilation unto themselves–that there is a reasonably high risk that they would inflict mutilation or other acts of physical violence against others.
When I read over the other posts out here, there are so many other cutters–people in terrible despair and I feel so much of their internal pain. Yet, I’m not equating that these people could also be a danger to more than just themselves. Still, I am having trouble connecting the dots when I try to make sense of all of this.
My outlook on life has sunken to such a low that things like purpose, and happiness seem
ridiculous much like a fairy-tale. But life is fluid and so too are my emotions–they change– so these dreadful outlooks on life do evaporate when something positive happens my life.
I’m not contemplating taking my life. I am a victim or witness to someone who tried right in front of me and because of me (as he would state).
I have a young child who I wouldn’t dare abandon for these reasons:
When I read so many of these posts of people who who maltreated, and molested during their childhood, there is zero chance in hell that I would leave my young child alone in this world exposed and vulnerable to the many perpetrators that lurk in our society. Hell, even with me alive and here to protect her, she still has a 1 in 4 chance of sexual assault before she reaches age 18. With those statistics for the victim, what do you think the statistics are for people who commit these sex crimes?
In that context, it’s pretty damn scary to think about. One professional told me 1 in every 2 men will commit a sexual assault in their lifetime at least once.
I really hope anyone out here considering suicide when they have children will seriously rethink their plight and tough it out if nothing else but to protect their children. This is true purpose
and if they let it, even a source of sunshine and happiness.
Oh, I forgot, just as concerning, boys have a 1 in 6 chance in being victimized of sexual assault. In reality, that number is because boys tend to report less. It is believed the risk is equal for all children. So, my statement would be the same if I had boy children. It’s a huge mistake to believe boys are not equally prayed upon by perpetrators. Boy or Girl, I would beg any parent contemplating taking their own life, to not do it for the reasons stated above.