Not really in the mood to delve in the whys and where-to’s. About a month ago, now, I decided that perhaps it would be best to end my life. I’m setting into motion what I feel should be done before I leave, and it will take me a while. I have a lot of student loans, and if I die, I’m sure the burden may go to my family. I still need to find out how true this is. I also would like to help my mother pay for her house and get it together; she needs a few new appliances and perhaps I can get a few services to come by now and again for a few years. I’d also like to have my grave, tombstone, and funeral paid for – ending my life will be bad enough for them, I couldn’t leave them with the bill as well.
I do hold a sliver of hope that I will find a reason to continue living before I earn the money to do all of this. A very, very thin sliver and I’m highly skeptical. I just don’t have a reason to continue to be on this planet; my family are older now, who knows how long my mother has left, my sister has her own family now to look after and my brother is an adult and can fend for himself. I don’t have a partner, children, my cats won’t care that I’m gone; two are living with my ex and the third with my mother. I have done nothing but fail at anything I have attempted for the past five years; I’m getting old, I feel old, I can only start over from the bottom so many times. I have no hopes of a attaining a higher education, no hopes of a job in the field that I want, many things I once enjoyed seem tedious and boring now. I have become so frightened of failure and how it makes me feel that I don’t know if I have the will, strength, or desire to do anything anymore.
I’ve been told that I am a good person, I’m sweet, I get along with most others, I have a good heart, am smarter than I think… I know I have many good qualities, but if that were true, why am I not happier? Why is it when I try to make friends they do not contact me and I’m always and forever left chasing them? Life is confusing and feeling ultimately pointless for me and that’s all I really have to say.