You know how sometime you wake up thinking for once it might actually be a decent day maybe even a good day. You have that unusual glimmer of hope. I got about 30 seconds of that. Most of my friends would say “its no big deal. So what your mom and her boyfriend got in a fight.” Back when i was little my parents fought all the time you’d think i’d be used to it. Especially the way my dad was. Strong with an uncontrollable temper and a jealous mind. In all honest that just makes it all worse. I wasn’t exactly “planned.” Im the product of a forgotten condom and a motel room on an august night. All the bad fighting started with me. So i blame myself. Now theres another fight and I dont even know that its about beyond the sound shattering glass and incomprhensable back and forth screaming and crying. Maybe if i wasn’t, wasn’t born, this wouldn’t be happening.
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I feel your despair. It’s important that you realize how you came to be born.
It’s ok. Really. So many of us were products of our parents having sex without protection but most importantly out of wedlock. Those morals that have been deemed stupid and old fashioned: the ones that say don’t have sex without being married and even then, it takes 2 yrs. of dating to really know the person to be able to make a good judgment that the other has the qualities of a long lasting marriage. Well, they have about gone by the way-side in our society. The percentage of marriages that last when children are born much like your circumstances and mine and so many of us, are less than 50%.
The percentage of 2nd marriages that last are greater than 70%. The percentages of shacking up with a person outside of wedlock is almost a guarantee failure whether it’s a first, second, third or so on.
To put you drag you through one divorce and now the drama of a shack up or even 2nd marriage is devastating for you. Your mom and you and any sibs should be taking care of each other. You’ve already lost one dad. Now, you have to suffer under the roof of this other. All dating should cease for your mother until all of her children have reached age 20. You kids should be her primary concern and her job is to protect all of you from the emotional pain that you are witnessing again with this other man.
I wish you and your mother could leave this man today and go to another family or friend to live permanently or until she can sustain independently. Or, to a battered women’s shelter.
Whether your father stuck around to support you or not will dictate if you decide to have a relationship with him or NOT.
All of this to say, you don’t have to put too much quality in DNA. You have no obligation to these adults who have not acted with good moral foreground.
But none of this detracts from all the potential that you are. You have a full life beyond all of this and you can define yourself by your true talents and then make those talents work for you. None of this is your fault. When you hear the fighting again, I hope you try very hard to tune it out and tell yourself that you are not the blame for these reckless adults. But please make sure that you do not continue the pattern and if you will please arm yourself with those “old fashioned” values that were an implement to fostering happy, healthy marriages and children too. Or, forego having children all together. Most importantly, nip it in the bud at your generation–not by death and murder–but by surviving and changing the course of your generation, That’s power!
Its just hard seeing that and thinking about my girlfriend who was raped and is having a baby because of it. We agreed that when were out of high school we are getting married. Im still technically a kid in the eyes of most ppl but i plan on being a better parent than my parents were.
And you will fail, quite certainly
I hope that your girlfriend reported this man to the police and had him arrested and he is in jail. As for the baby, is she having the baby? Is she keeping the baby? Because she shouldn’t keep the baby unless she can love it, protect, it nurture it, provide for it. If she’s haunted by the rape of this man, will she be able to love the baby and be a stable responsible parent? Who will help her her raise the baby? Her parents? The rapists parents? Any grandparents or family members? If not, she should give the baby to adoption to a family that will.
If she keeps the baby, the rape that caused it’s creation becomes irrelevant. This is not information that the child should ever need to know. Or, it will screw up their mental health. Chances are the rapist won’t be around to support the child, so the child will grow up wondering about the father, but should be discouraged of a the fantasy of a relationship with him if he didn’t stick around. This goes for any sperm donor. If they don’t support their child, whether married to the mother or not, they don’t deserve a relationship with the child. He didn’t earn it and doesn’t deserve it. So that fantasy can be put to rest from the very beginning.
If you marry this girl, or any girl, I hope that you undergo therapy for the abuse you’ve suffered and parenting classes. You can’t be a provider –which would be your role–to this girl or any other nor to children until you stabilize yourself which starts with healing from the abuse you witness from you parents and now this other man. I admire your concern for the girl but don’t dive into that situation unless you both are stabilized from your abusive childhood and her rape. Otherwise, you foster and continue the destruction of another generation. This is very serious and I hope that you will put a lot of time, energy and resources into making yourself whole again and same for her. For this girl or any other, you have to help yourself first. But you both have to
take these necessary steps.
And you can do it.
We have talked alot and were working on stablizing thing. We both love our little boy alot and we are thinking about keeping him because ive learned what foster care systems are like in my state and its not great. We have alot of help and support and plan on being great parents
Foster care sucks in my state too. I had a very tragic experience with foster care. Foster care in my opinion is where people sign up to be “rescuers” of kids in danger. But the system is exploding with cruel, horrible, abusive people who could give a damn about the child and are only signing up for the job for a gov’t paycheck. I have had numbers of social workers who have the responsibility to check on these kids tell me that case after case that these kids aren’t getting their basic needs met–like shoes, haircuts, clothing, school supplies etc. The bum of a foster parent is spending that money on drugs, alcohol, other bills that weren’t part of the deal. I hear other story after story from extended family members speak about how they observed the poor child, severely punished for not eating their vegetables, or chewing with their mouth open at age 2–which was one story. Hard driving adults who treat this kids like shit. They don’t want to nurture, love, or protect these kids, the kids are a nuisance to these people. They just want the paycheck.
It’s abominable. I agree with you 100%. Not all foster care parents are bums. There are some who are legitimate, loving people–but it truly is a crap shoot. The liars who corrupt this system are very good at cunning the social service department that they are good citizens when in fact, they are anything but. It’s a ruse to get that paycheck. I only suggested it because the both of you have real issues to sort through and heal from. It’s going to be a terrible challenge to be a good parent until you’ve made yourselves strong, responsible and financially capable to support the child. For the kid’s sake, I really hope that you both can do it.
We are going to do our best and if something happens we have some family thatll help us out till we can get up on our feet