The past few months have been really hard, with the experiences of my past and the relationships I have with my family now, I feel like I can’t go on with all of this rubbish.
I see a therapist to help me try to get back on track with my life and I take anti-depressants, but I feel like my reactions and emotions with what has happened is permanently seared into my heart and soul. Whenever I wake up and I get that painful stab in my chest, you the feeling of your heart literally breaking. I cry almost everyday, longest I have gone without crying is maybe a week.
I try to bring new people into my life to keep my life fresh, but once they find out about me, they are distant and then I have that pathetic feeling again.
I tried to help my mum understand and she says she does but she just gets upset by what I tell her. And then it becomes a problem for her.
I just want to be rid of myself, everything would be better off, then my mum wont have to be worried and be in pain because of me anymore. I could be with my dad as well. Since he passed away I could join him and have that loving father daughter feeling. I know it may sounds stupid and ridiculous but I do feel like leaving. I don’t want this burden of constant pain anymore, I can’t do anything anyway,
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Do you honestly believe that your dad would be happy to see your life over so quickly? Yes I don’t know you or him at all but I can at least guess that he would tell you what I’m about to.
You have to understand that most people can’t relate to you. And most people just want someone to use. Not someone that they can trust or that trusts them. So in that way, you’re better than everyone who’s ever distanced his or her self from you. Because instead of seeing that its their own arrogance and sense of pride that keeps them from befriending you, you only look at your own flaws. And the worst thing you can do to yourself is to let them win, to be rid of yourself. Because you’re an amazing person no matter what anyone says or understands. I know what you mean when you think that everyone would be better off without you. But that’s a lie and it’s one that you don’t need to keep telling yourself. You’re a beautiful person and don’t you forget it.
Oh and I’m sorry if what I said doesn’t make any sense. I usually just ramble on and on with my thoughts out of order.