bitter

I’m 24, sort of successful with my studies I guess, got a bachelors degree in math, admitted to a US university to study math with tuition paid by teaching assistantship, good future and career ahead of me, if I cared for boasting, I would say I have pretty high IQ and stuff… my parents are proud, my sister is proud, my thesis supervisor is proud, my friends are proud.

I don’t care.

we broke up with my now ex-gf almost a year ago after a wonderful seven years. I’m not over it, I doubt I’ll ever will. and while I miss her every night (or someone she used to be but who she isn’t anymore, actually), depressions from before we met returned. now every day is just a copy of the day I had before. everything is just a grey blur. I’m so, so much tired of being in contact with other people (and I’m partly invisible anyway. and ugly, for that matter. so it all gets even harder). I get fits of anonymous anger. only music helps a little, or taking a nap. for a while. evenings and nights are the worst. no one to call for, nothing to say.

I’m bitter.

I’m weary of life.

happiness is probably not for me in this life. the only comforting thought as I fall asleep is that maybe I’ll die before the morning comes. no luck with that so far. I’m probably too much of a wuss to commit a suicide. maybe that will change eventually. for now, I just hope for some quick, random fatal accident. plane falling down or something.

I seek no forgiveness.