people always say that if you say you want to kill yourself you never truly will, i keep playing the words over and over in my head like a dare issued by a bully. i wouldn’t say its hope that stops me every time, its just fear. i’m a coward and i will always be. i know without a shadow of doubt that my life has no purpose. i used to belief that my family meant everything to me but ever since my mother become ill i have felt loneliness swallow me whole.
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Those people are ignorant and most likely don’t know what it’s like to be suicidal. I’m pretty sure most people that kill themselves let someone know beforehand (whether that’s about the intent or just the idea) or at least show a clear difference in their behaviour patterns. Calling someone a coward who’s in a weak state of mind and needs nothing but support and help is true cowardice and frankly quite unsympathetic and unthoughtful if you were to ask me.
Killing yourself isn’t easy; we as humans have basic survival instincts that kick in when in danger and it’s extremely difficult to overcome that. Not to mention the pain and regret an individual may feel when trying to take their life – nothing easy or cowardly about it at all. People saying otherwise don’t understand and can’t understand what people like us go through every single day. Everyone is different and experiences and reacts differently to things so even if they did know what it felt like, they aren’t you and can’t truly comprehend how you actually feel (my theory on why we feel alone even around people with similar issues).
I’m sorry to hear about your mother, I hope she recovers soon or at least gets better in time. May I ask what it is exactly about your mother’s illness that makes you feel so lonely? Only if that’s okay with you, of course. I’m always here to talk if you need and I’m sure there many others here whom are willing to listen. Take care. 😉
Your body, maybe even your spirit, however you think of it, has a survival drive. The cowardice you attribute to your inability to go through with killing yourself may actually be the part of you that is programmed to go on.
Purpose is an intangible thing, so if you say you don’t have one, you don’t have one. But nothing about lacking a purpose logically, necessarily, precludes there from ever being any purpose.
The same goes for worthlessness — it’s an idea, meaning not that it isn’t real, but that the concept is not objectively measurable. You name yourself worthless and I disagree with the assertion; you’re not wrong and I’m not right.
Loneliness is a black hole like none other. Sometimes with time, however, the rules of gravity can alter.
I wish you peace