I finished school, got my degree, married my long time partner, moved 1000 miles away and got a salaried job.
None of this means anything to me. I can’t enjoy any of my accomplishments. I’m not happy with my marriage and this job is only busy work. I can’t remember a time that I felt truly satisfied with life. I drink my weight in alcohol, smoke packs of cigarettes, buy worthless crap off the internet…I feel like there’s nothing I can do, like there’s no such thing as content. I am wasting my time.
We fight often, my husband and I. I feel a heavy sinking feeling even thinking about him sometimes; I’m trapped. But when I envision life without him, it’s just as empty.
I daydream often about my death. It’s almost sweet to me, even the twitching as that last breath leaves. It would be the rope for me. I remember how these thoughts brought tears to my eyes when they first started. Now there’s only a surging, a pull into action. It’s only a matter of time for me.
1 comment
You are testimony to the fact that contentment is an elusive thing. Marriage and a job can’t do it, even fortune and fame won’t do it, this is the human condition and we either choose to live with it or die from it I guess.
Hmm. Not especially profound lol. I liked your post though.