I’ve wasted much of the past fourteen years being lost in the pain of losing someone I cherished more than anyone. Some of you have seen the details puked out here on SP and I won’t go into them again – suffice it to say I gave my life to someone who decided it was more in their best interest to dump me in the gutter and run off with a child molester.
I’ve not had any contact with her for several years, at which time she got in touch with me for reasons still unknown. I made it clear I knew all the secrets, even the ones outside our once lifelong covenant of truth and trust; I never heard back from her after that. A week or so ago I stumbled upon a obituary – her obituary. She passed away at 52 years of age ten months ago and although this should not have been any surprise given her risky lifestyle and history of substance abuse I was once the first person in her life to find things out. Now I was the last.
I suppose this should be the closure I needed – the end of agonizing over loose ends and unfinished business. Not so. I now have to make contact with people I despise or cannot trust just to find out what happened to her. Of course I run the risk of discovering she died as a result of the actions of an abusive person or other malice or negligence. So I either must dig to find out or continue to live with those loose ends forever.
At least, she is now better off than I am.
4 comments
Wish I had words that could give solace but of course I don’t have any. Sorry. Hugs.
Thank you for the thought. It is very much appreciated.
Not to sound crass or insensitive, but dead is dead, right? Heroin overdose, old age, murder, cancer, car crash, etc. A fatality is what it is regardless of how it came about.
Having said that, I can understand how knowing might help you with closure. Good luck.
(By the way, I just read all of your previous posts. I like your style). 🙂
In pragmatic terms, you are right. And there is nothing insensitive about it. It is an interesting dilemma knowing what the future holds for me with respect to her is now completely on me, or more accurately in my head. Nothing left that is out of my hands.
Maybe that is more frightening that anything…