I could really use some right now… I feel like shit and I know it won’t get better at least today. I want someone to talk to but at the same time I’d rather not burden anyone with my presence.
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I highly doubt you could burden anyone on SP. That’s this site’s purpose. What’s brought you here?
Just things in general. Being taught from a young age that I’m an enormous failure who just manages to ruin everyone’s day. And then seeing it happen for real at school. Having no one to show me sympathy at home. Being raised with lies and having to learn to lie (one of the things I hate the most) just to survive. How about you?
Guilt over my past is what led me here. Poor home life, etc. Do you feel like you’re an enormous failure?
Yeah, I really do. I reflect a lot on most of my actions and I can say with utter certainty that I’m the cause of many of my family’s problems.
Why? What have you done that is so terrible? Especially since you said it was taught.
And I constantly get the feeling (such as right now) that I’m wasting people’s time just by talking to them. That’s why I barely had the strength to put this post up.
For me its not so much as what I’ve done than what happens around me. I don’t necessarily believe in bad omens but if I did, I’d classify myself as one. Plus, I keep getting all of these opportunities to achieve greatness and I keep turning them down because I’m my heart I genuinely believe that I’m the scum of the earth.
Aside from that, its really easy for me to see the beauty in others. I can see some of my achievements but my faults prove to me that I am not a beautiful person.
I’m scum, and I don’t believe you are. What past experiences make you think that?
You mean aside from my older brother almost slitting my throat once and my parents not stopping him? Aside from me manipulating and terrifying every person in my family? Aside from me not knowing which part of my personality is my own and isn’t derived from the thousands of books I’ve read? Aside from the fact that my one friend (imaginary though he may be) constantly watching out for me but at the same time showing me all of my faults?
I don’t have a single talent. I can’t draw or make otherwise beautiful things with my hands. I can’t hold up a conversation or write anything remotely original. I definitely do not look nice and I have an unhealthy obsession with food. People tell me I’m brilliant but they can’t see past my masks, my lies. They can’t see that I’m only acting and my intellect is actually very limited.
Even right now I feel like I’m only seeking attention even though part of me knows that every single thing I typed is truthful.
You’re not seeking attention, you’re looking for help, someone to talk to. And you can’t carry on a conversation? Scroll up. How have you manipulated and terrified people in your family? And do you still have a relationship with your brother?
Yeah. My brother is the golden child of the family. Its sort of requires since I’m still a minor. I can’t wait to turn 18. And basically, even though I’m the youngest, I’m the tallest and strongest in the family. Unfortunately, my brother is a master manipulator and to survive against his tactics, I had to learn to be just as good. I hate lying and manipulating but I’ve needed to do both to survive.
And snuffles, if I’m not scum then you are most DEFINITELY not scum.
Maybe not anymore, but I certainly used to be.
Hey Mask. I know how you feel… loneliness is a *****. I don’t want to make this about me, but at the moment I feel like the one person I want to care never will, and that I might break down in front of her and push her away with my problems like so many others. I feel so fucked… as for you, I’m always here to talk. Just chuck me a message and I’ll be happy to talk you through things 🙂 Keep on keeping on friend. I get the feeling those who don’t want to be your friend are missing out.
Mask,
I don’t think you are a burden. Thank you for existing and making my night. Thank you for opening up to us. Thank you for caring about other human beings. I think you’re wonderful. 🙂
No problem. But if you really want to thank me, do what we both know you have the strength to do. Survive past these hard times and live a happy life with your fiance. I hope to God it works out well for both of you.
Hello amaskoflies: thank you for sharing, and offering your support to me… I hear you are surviving by responding to your environment, which sounds difficult… I have lived in ways in my past that i am not proud of…. But not anymore…. Every moment, every breath, every thought is a chance to begin changing… Do not expect a sudden, instantly permanent change… That is very rare indeed… More realistic is a slow, steady change with setbacks and tolerance for your own mistakes and others mistakes…. We all learned our behaviors starting in the womb, including “adults” such as your parents…. It is not simple, but if you can viewtheir actions in the light of compassion, it will be easier to react the way you want yourself to be…. I hope this is helpful or even clear… Ummm, just writing from my heart and experience… Hope i didn’t offend you….
No, you didn’t offend. And thank you, what you said was really useful. :]