I don’t know what to say.

I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. I’m scared of being home. I have been for a long time. I know it’s not abuse, because it’s not physical, but I’m getting worse again, and I’m scared to call CPS because they’ll see nothing wrong….

My mother, she says she cares, and only wants the best for me, but she says things with a hidden meaning. In other words, she says one thing, and she has a hidden meaning behind it. She’ll say things like “It’s so much easier shopping for your sister, because she is perfect for anything.” and means “You’re always a hassle.”. She says “You don’t fit into anything, nor do you look good in what you wear.” meaning I’m fat, and look ugly. She and my sister enjoy teasing me. My ‘mom’ gets mad if I try to get away from them, and hang out in my room, and she gets even more upset that I’m not in front of her to emotionally tear apart. What’s even worse, is that my mom plays ‘Poor pitiful me’ every time I try to talk to her.

My older sister has out right told me I look fatter. And always tells me I look stupid, or act stupid. She criticizes everything I do and say. She steals things, and blames it on me. She tells my ‘mom’ that I’ve done something I haven’t just to get me into trouble.

My younger sister, on the other hand, is a ‘perfect-little-angel’ who can do no wrong in anybody’s eyes. She sits around and plays on the computer. She only gets up to eat and go to the bathroom.. On occasion. Oh! And lets not forget, if I try to change the channel on ‘her’ T.V., I literally get scratched and hit, and have things thrown at me (remotes, food, silverware, dishes, you name it she probably has.)

When I was a kid (3-12) my sisters would literally throw crap at me, hit me, kick me, steal things from me, taunt me, tease me, anything, just because. Guess who got into trouble? Me. No surprise there… 

My ‘father’, the last time I saw him, which was a few weeks ago, he yelled at me because I tripped over his ‘very expensive cable.’ and I fell. Every Sunday, he would get into a huge argument with me. Example: Mother’s Day I had cuts on my arm because I am a self-harmer, and he told me, and I quote, “Just get it over with and kill yourself. We won’t miss you.” then proceeded to back me into a corner, while I was crying my eyes out, and threatened to physically hurt me, call CPS on me because I am ‘unmanageable’ and call the cops on me because I was ‘suicidal’. So I ran out the front door, and he ran after me and basically held me down as he yelled at me about how all the neighbors would be calling the cops and CPS on me. The whole time, my mom watched without saying a word.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should call CPS because this has happened all my life, but they’ve never physically abused me so they would have no evidence. I’ve tried to kill myself 3 times in the past 2 years because I’m so depressed and I hate myself and I can’t do anything right. My anxiety level is crazy high, and I’m scared to go out into public places. I’m 15, and I literally have no one.. I’m so scared to live, because the pain is too much. I almost killed myself two nights ago, because I’m so tired of all this..