I am very ashamed of myself. No, my life isn’t filled with constant despair, and I haven’t lost anyone important to me. Nothing that bad actually happened to me. Still, I really want to disappear.
My friends are much more distant than they were before, and I can’t actually mantain a stable relationship between me and my parents. I feel like there’s a hole where it should be my heart, and the only thing that makes me feel better is reading. If I talk to anyone, they’ll probably tell me to stop complaining, and that my life is much better than I think.
I feel like I’m worthless, and that everyone is trying so hard, yet I have alredy stopped. Sometimes I dream about how my life would be in the future, but when I wake up, I realize that it’s all a dream, and that it will never happen. I don’t think I have enough courage to kill myself, but I also don’t have any reason to keep myself alive.
When I actually get happy, I remember that I shouldn’t be happy, that I’m worthless, and I just pretend that I’m happy so people don’t have to worry. I’m pretty much living a lie, and I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy.
2 comments
You shouldn’t be ashamed. Tons of people are depressed for reasons that may seem small to others. All in all the world sucks so not being depressed? Now that’s weird. I love reading too. It’s my only escape. And as for parents gosh I can relate. Don’t tell anyone you’re not sure will understand how you feel. On here for instance no one would ever criticize you. Seriously telling those who don’t understand is awful. I dream of the future too and what it might hold. You’re not worthless though. When you’re always surrounded by happy people it makes you feel wrong and horrible but there’s nothing wrong with you. In the future you have the choice of the people you surround yourself with or even choosing to be alone. Whatever makes you happier. I made myself stop being happy with guilt to the point where I can’t be happy anymore. Maybe the future holds something better. We all deserve to be happy.
Have you seen the movie; Waking Life You can check out the full movie online if you google it if you want. But, yup..pretty much living a lie. Get in line, grab a number.