I wish I was a Blonde, that way I’d have something to match my stupidity down to a tee. I feel that people wouldn’t expect as much from me if they saw I was Blonde. I also wish I was a trust fund baby who didn’t need to work a day in her life. I wouldn’t mind taking shit for it, because I’d be too rich to care. People say I can be pretty smart, but I don’t see it. My grammar sucks; I don’t know a thing about it, honestly. I just repeat what I see from reading. And about reading, it takes me forever to get through a book, because I have to re-read everything to make sure I understand the moral being told.
I don’t think I’m cut out for life alone. I know that independence is something that is seen as attractive in women, but that’s definitely not me. I don’t think it’ll ever be me. I’m afraid that when my Grandmother eventually dies, I’ll be totally screwed when it comes time to find a job, manage finances, learn how to drive, then save up money for a car once I do learn as well as finding a place to live, not to mention bills ‘n stuff once I do find an apartment to live in. I’m only eighteen, but everyone is treating me like I could handle the world if I was left to it, yet they treat me like a child when it’s time for other things that don’t involve work. Society is tough. I want someone to take care of me, and I hate myself for it. I know that for things to get better I have to take the steps necessary to make it better. But there’s a part of me that wants to lay in stupidity – where it’s safe, and where I’ll know it’ll be okay – for another year at least.
6 comments
I’ve always believed that intelligence isn’t mostly about WHAT you know, but more about what YOU DO with you already know. My father is a man who knows a lot but ended up doing fuck all in life. He’s not intelligent, at least not in my eyes. Independence is something you can work up to, it’s not an ingrained thing in most of us. Do yourself a favour: pick yourself up, dust yourself off and use what you’ve got to get where you want. And do it at a pace you’re comfortable with, there’s no sense in rushing when there is no finish line.
Totes. I have to do something with my life. Sitting on my ass and wishing for things isn’t going to cut it. Thanks for your comment. 🙂
Anyone who doesn’t reread a single page in an intellectually challenging book probably hasn’t understood much of what he/ she has read. And the fact that you’re not satisfied with not understanding something on the first try, that you’re ambitious to know what it actually is about is a good sign imo.
In the end, in a relationship it is okay to be dependent on each other. But it’s also important that you should at least have the possibility to live independently so that you will not be used and exploited by someone who can dump you anytime he wants; those are the relationships in which the woman ends up being left alone.
You definitely don’t have to be ashamed to want someone to take care of you: You want to be loved, that’s basically what all humans strive for. Anyone who doesn’t want to be loved cannot give love either.
I’m happy you understand. I simply like to understand everything I need to get far in life, but it’s also very scary at times. I’ve even went as far as to go to fast food joints and convenience stores to watch people as they work, to see if it’s as bad as I’m making it out to be. It all seems very confusing, and in a life where I wish to understand everything I’m involved in, it panics me that I might be left with no choice other than to get a job in the future.
I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship that serious anyway. I get freaked out when it comes to sex because of my past, and even if sex was totally fine with me, people usually get turned off/pissed off/disgusted when I let them know that I’m Trans. There’s one person in my life who wants to date me, but he’s only interested in the fact that I am Transgender. He has a total Tran fetish, and everyone who knows him knows it. I want someone who can love me for more than my genitals.
You’ve a lot on your plate there Twisted. I’m not surprised you feel overwhelmed. I think a lot of your feelings about wanting to be cared for and the fear of independence are entirely normal at your age, but the fact you’re Trans adds a lot of extra pressure to the mix, no question. Try to take each day as it comes Twisted? and not project too far into the future. I know it’s easier said than done, especially at your age when there are so many expectations on you. My heart goes out to you Twisted.
Thanks so much, Seppuku. I appreciate your comment a lot! 🙂