I’ve struggled my whole life with depression and for a very very long time I’ve been convinced that suicide is by far the most likely way that I will die. I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve done everything right. I’m doing the drug/therapy thing, I quit drinking, and I exercise regularly. Unfortunately none of these can stop the heart crushing loneliness that I feel so often. I hate my job, I’m broke, and I have no real friends around here, but those aren’t the main reasons I think I’m going to kill myself soon. Ever since getting treatment for depression I’d have short periods where I wasn’t so depressed and didn’t think about suicide, but they never last more than 3-4 weeks.
I have no hope of ever being able to be happy for any reasonable amount of time. I wish I could be happy long enough to learn how to live like most people, but that’s not going to happen. I can feel when an episode of depression is coming, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of feeling like I’ll never have another meaningful relationship in my life. I’m tired of knowing my depression causes my loneliness and my loneliness causes my depression. I need the approval and validation of others to feel any bit of good about myself and even when I do get that it’s from a couple friends who live halfway across the country now. I honestly tried, but I just don’t know what else to do. I found out my insurance wasn’t covering my therapy for at least last year so I can’t go to the hospital because I’m sure that would be even more money I don’t have.
I sat on top of a ladder in the garage with a rope around my neck for a good 15 minutes just thinking. I could just push off and it’d be over. It’s not that I don’t have anything in my life to look forward to, it’s more that I’m just tired of the pain and the cycle of depression. I’m sick of feeling my heart break over any relationship that becomes the slightest bit romantic. I’m tired of feeling like a pathetic loser who failed to live up to his potential in every way. I start to feel better and then an hour later I feel a wave of anxiety wash over me and I want to end it all over again. My doctor put me on Zoloft along with my Wellbutrin. I told him I had taken Zoloft and I don’t think it really helped. I did the suicide prevention thing through text message tonight. I felt better for a little bit. I want to ask anyone I know just to talk but I don’t want to look like the loser I am. I want to call my parents, but they were never any help with these things. I’m going to kill myself. Maybe I can weather the storm and make it through tonight, but it’s going to happen some day.
4 comments
I have many of the same feelings, especially loneliness…. Not sure where to go to even begin to meet people..? Most of my problems have roots in being poisoned by mercury in my tooth fillings & it has nearly killed me, then i figured it out & now i am really not well & dont know what to do… Thanks for sharing your heart… I love you for that :))
I appreciate it. I’m sorry about your medical problems. Being sick makes depression so much worse in several ways. I have problems outside of mental health and even with insurance the bills mount up and that creates even a worse feeling of hopelessness. I know other health care systems in the world are not perfect, but sometimes I wish I could marry someone from one of those Western European countries where you don’t have to pay thousands of dollars just to live a semi-comfortable life.
As far as the loneliness is concerned, I know a lot of it is my fault, but it doesn’t help that I am a very progressive guy who lives in a small town in the Midwest. The ONLY thing to do around here is go to the bars and now that I don’t drink anymore that’s not an appealing option.
Ah man, I feel much the same. Breaks my heart when I see others just as bad as me.
All you have when your depressed is hope, and it appears we’ve lost it. I hope a miracle finds you and eases your pain.
Jawbreaker-is that a Judas Priest reference? If so, Hell Yeah!
Thank you. What sucks is right now, at this moment I feel relatively fine. It’s just the last few days I’ve been getting hit with periods of major anxiety and possibly the worst depression I’ve ever experienced. This morning I was mowing the lawn and thinking about killing myself the whole time. It feels like that I almost literally have to hang on tight to something. It’s like being stuck on a boat in the middle of a giant storm. I’m about to lose control and fall overboard, but I know if I can hang tight it’ll pass. The only problem is I know there’s more storms ahead and eventually I’m going to get tired and have to let go.
While I do enjoy me some Judas Priest, Jawbreaker is the name of one of my favorite bands.