iv be came numb

thanks and he kinda wouldn’t care but then would. i don’t want his pitty. and this wasn’t his first time he don’t it to 2 other girl before me one was my sister and the women’s daughter before my mom got married to to my used to be step dad.
and it happened by my sending pics to guys and some how they ended up popping up on his phone like i was sending them. but i wasn’t. and then before that he used to watch me at night. i caught him doing it before a few times. but i didn’t tell anyone. then that morning my mom was at work and we went down the levee to look for a hunting dog for one of his friends and he was telling me about these pics and he would cash me a pic and some (a lot of them ) wherent of me. but then he was telling me about these pics and he said i could tell your mom or we try and solve this. or something like that. then we made it home cuz we couldn’t find the hunting dog. so then we tells me the same thing that i can either tell your mom or you prove to me that these pics arnt you. and i was scared that if he was to tell my mom that she would think that they where me and that i really sent him these pics!! so i really had no other choise but to prove. i thought about it for a good hour. so he told me to get naked and lay on the bed and i did then he walked in the room and put me in these positions iv never been in and he hasn’t touched me really but then he started to and at this time i had a pillow over my head i didn’t want to see what was happening. then he started to to touch my private area and i like stifin up. i was scared and shocked. then he started touching more and more then he ate me out and fucked me! then he stopped and said he was sorry. but at the time he was doing all of this i was just screaming in my head. but wouldn’t come out.after he stopped i put my clothes on and ran to the bath room. i texted my ex but was my bf at that time i told him that my step dad rapped me. i didn’t hear from him for about 5 min then next thing i know my mom is calling me around 12 pm asking what we are doing and asking me if the things my ex told my mom was true and all this. my ex went to my moms work to tell her. the next 5 min my mom came home and asked me what all he did.and i told her then she went into the house acting normal then she could tell her was lying so she starting yelling and crying. then next thing you know we where at the sheriffs office then they sent me and my mom to the emergency room and we where in the hospital for 5 hours waiting for me to to get the DNA (rape kit) that night there was ice all on the roads and stuff. so almost all the roads where blocked off. so we had to take the fairy every where and to make it back home.
and till this day i can see it like it happened yesterday.
it affects my life in many ways.
its stopped my from being happy. Iv been depressed for a lost a year now. i get called this and that from my rape. but my ex sack helped me from killing my self. i used to act like it never happened. but now i can never live it down. it has messed uo my life and my moms my family can’t even look at me the same anymore. and now iv been holding in my feelings for over 6 years now. it just eats me up worse then ever before. to this rape shit. i feel like it was my fault cuz it was to 2 months after i moved in at my moms. my sister told me that my dad cried when he found out. but my dad lives in south america now on a job for a year. but thats my story..