Paralyzed

Hi everyone,

I’m not sure if anyone will read this or care but I’ve accepted that boiling up my demons inside of me is not the answer, so here’s my story.

I’ve only felt this while for a little over the year, and I’m not exactly sure what triggered it. I have a stable family, a stable education, and a stable set of friends. I have a roof over my head and I have a lot to be thankful for. But I had one sad day too many, and one day I just collapsed into this mindset. And I haven’t gotten out.

I wrote a paragraph of reasons why I hated myself last July and that made me realize how despicable I am. I always used to think that I had a beautiful personality and that I’d always find someone to love my personality, even if my looks weren’t all that great. But that paragraph changed everything. I realized how selfish I am, how much I rely on others, how badly I treat my parents, how unintelligent I am, etc. Now I avoid mirrors, I avoid talks of the future, and compliments don’t help. They are empty words that mean nothing to me. I don’t believe that I am a good person. There’s a lot that goes into why.

Anyways, I told my closest friend in August that I felt depressed and for a long time, she helped. My only condition was that she don’t tell my parents because I knew they would react negatively to my mental state. And she listened. Until November, when I told her I wanted to end it that night. I told her I couldn’t, because I can never get myself to try to commit suicide, but she e-mailed my mom and told her I was suicidal. Just. like. that.

My mom told me I was using suicide as blackmail, that I wasn’t actually sad, but I was stupid. She said no to a counselor and said she’d put me in an Islamic school if I ever mentioned it again. So I didn’t have anyone to turn to.

I told another friend, and a few months later, she told HER mom I was suicidal. And my mom acted out and told me I was dumb, and my dad agreed. No meds, nothing for me. Just wallowing in self-hatred and suicidal thoughts.

And I guess a lot of the suicidal thoughts also comes from realizing how stressful life is and how lonely I am. Here is all my teenage angst: I have never been asked out  nor been in a relationship. The last time a guy has liked me was years ago. Guys never think of me like that, never approach me, never notice me. Nobody really understands. And that contributes to the whole, I hate myself thing. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who loves me, and I know I’m still young, but it’s hard to imagine that someone could ever find a way to love my pathetic being.

Then came May when I was suicidal basically everyday. I would stand at the edge of stairs and think about jumping, I would hold a bunch of pills but never find myself strong enough to overdose, I would tie a scarf around my neck and pull and pull but never hard enough to do anything to my neck. I am paralyzed. I want to die but I want to live.

I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s all a mess and nobody gets it. I’m alone.