I am 21 years old. About to drop off college. Lives with a depressed mother. Jobless. Everyone i know really doesn’t care except for my mother. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I can imagine my friends doing fine without me. Maybe getting out of their lives is just what they need to see their own lives and silver linings. I feel like disease and i want to shut myself from the world. I lied about everything. Its my 6th year in college trying to finish up a two year course and i hate it so bad that i feel like im wasting my life away. I am unattractive, weak and i have a very low self esteem. Everyone is moving forward. Higher. On their wings. While im still here inside these four walls of nothing but gray. I tried to change myself. Really i did. But its like onestep forward and two steps backward. And its emotionally and physically exhausting. I kept asking myself ‘when did i become so fucking weak?’. I used to have a dream. A goal. And it’s to be a successful musician but i… i always cling to it. I hold on to it so hard that im willing to throw everything away. And if i fall? Well, thats where i am today. Its like that dream you had when you were young has been nothing but lies. Everything ive ever believed in has been tampered with lies, pain and treason. Nobody likes me because i look grim all the time. I always feared of what everyone would say of me. I cant take everyones judging eyes. If i hear someone laughing i assume that they’re laughing at me, behind my back. Im afraid of the world. Im afraid of the world. Im afraid of the world. Im afraid of the world. Pathetic.
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I just wanted to share my thoughts when I read this. Because I totally feel you.
Whenever we say ‘absolute’ things like, “Nobody likes me..” Its usually not true.
Typically when I’m upset and I think things like “everyone” “nobody” “all the time” “never” “always” …typically thats exaggeration and I’m just in a bad mood. I am sure there are people that like you.
I wanted to be a musician for a long time. I’m older now, but when I was about your age and felt like you did about music. ..I realized my problem with being successful was that in order to make it. You just have to make music and then go play shows publicly. Its really that simple. Either covers, or originals or both. Find a way to play live and you will get a following and build off of that. There are lots of places that will book starting musicians. If you are serious just take small steps every day (or nearly every day) to get there, and with that persistence it is totally possible to get there. Passion is all that really matters, but it also has to be grounded in our reality to take the steps to get there.
I wish someone told me that 14 years ago, so I’m telling you why I failed. I hope it helps.
For me, I have new hobbies now other than music, and I am chasing my dreams and being pretty successful at having them be my career. It just takes working at it consistently (outside of your head in the present reality).
The world is scary and hurtful. I am afraid of it too. But it is pretty cool to just look past that and go for what you want. And people do judge you, but I think you’d be surprise how open minded and accepting many many people truly are. Especially when you get up into your 30s and older, life really gets real and shallow stuff starts fading.
I guess I also wanted to say that its ok if you change gears with school and your career. Just pursue what you are passionate about for work and good things will happen. I left college once and completely hit rock bottom. But I went back to another school a few years later and did awesome.
I’m 23 and I think this is my sixth or seventh attempt at finishing my degree. I just wanted to say I am sorry and that you are not alone. We need to take it easier on ourselves. Someone on here once told me that fear is what essentially holds us back. I hope you can find a way to embrace your fear. As one creative person to another, do not wait until you know who you are to get started. We figure those things out in the process of just continuing to try things. The world is a pretty horrible place, it’s not pathetic to feel scared of all the unknown that is out there. I am sorry that you have to deal with the ridicule and I hope things get better for you.